WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

I have been real busy lately traveling from work and consumed with other activities. I have been gone every night of the week either out of town or busy with other activites. I find that I don't like being home around W. I have felt this way in the past but it is now kind of a permanent thing.

Early on in this journey I couldn't stand to be away from her. I always wanted to know what she was doing and was making the typical mistakes.

Distance relieves a lot of pressure.

In her mind it is over and she has had that opinion for a long time. I thought that she was going through a temporary phase where she was drugged up on her OM chemicals and it would all pass if I played my cards right.

I didn't always play the cards right - I tried to the the 'better option' but I think I just came off looking weak. I gave her boundaries and did my best to enforce them but it pushed her further away as she didn't comply. Most of the friction between us has been related to OM - I wouldn't let it go, but at the same time letting go feels like letting her walk all over me. It is a real tough line to walk for me it seems.

This woman flat-out doesn't respect me. I think she values me as a provider but she has been giving me the finger, so to speak, for the past year since OM entered her life. She can barely have a conversation with me these days. It seems like things went to a new level after the holidays and she started pushing for separation.

My path seems like it is clearly headed towards D, even though W would probably want a legal S indefinitely instead of a D. I see a lot of people on these boards who are separated. I just feel like I already have tried that but living in the same house.

At the end of the day, I know OM has a lot to do with this situation. She says she wants to leave because she 'lost her connection with me'. That is BS - it is true but it is something you can get back if both parties are willing. I read a recent post from Gucci that said that OM is always fueling this situation because if OM wasn't a factor teh WAW wouldn't have anything to lose by trying, especially in our case where we have a nice home and 4 kids and not too many problems.

I have this strange feeling that if W finally does move out, OM will be gone. It would be too much pressure for him. He is a complete loser and my W's family would reject him outright (they have all told me this without prompting). He lives with the mother of his kid and I think he would be 'afraid' of having a committed R with my W. He is probably comfortable where he is and is just playing a game for sex and to see if he can pry my W away from the marriage (already has basically, except we still live together).