I sat here for an hour or so after the discussion and the bank account separation and asked myself - what's next for us, divorce? I realized I am rushing to a speedy resolution to this - its my nature, its what I do. I get paid a lot of money to solve problems on a daily basis.
So what do I do when I am trying to solve my own relationship issues?
Of course, I start working on the problem and I don't stop until someone says "its dead" or "its solved".
But therein lies my problem - the biggest problem, that is - that I have and my wife has taken the brunt of hurt and disappointment for so many years -
Why does it all have to be about what I want?
I am a single child brought into the world by two people from opposite sides of the tracks. My Father always thought of his relationship with my Mother as never being attainable - there was always something standing in the way of my Father's love/Mother's happiness. It was an ugly divorce with multiple times my father being thrown out in the middle of the night, shouting, name calling, failed visitations where Dad wouldn't show, child support was never there - the traditional "ugly divorce" story.
From 11 on, I had no Father in my life - we moved from RI to South FL 4 years after the divorce and to this day I am still trying to piece together a semblance of a relationship with my Father.
It dawned on me throughout the past few weeks, that I do not know how to be a man. I see & react to things from my Mother's eyes while my my personality is my Father's through and through.
It is at the center of this where there is such volatility - when my emotions get enabled through my personality that I am most effective/dangerous, depending upon what/how I am trying to solve the problem.
I realize this is not the board for resolving childhood issues - but why is it always about me?
Another thing I realized these past few weeks....
My perception of "being there for family" and "being a good provider" all crystalized when I was lucky/smart enough to engineer a high paying support job which I work from my house 12 years ago.
As my customer site visits diminished, my hygeine, extrovertedness, lack of motivation, and my vices (marijuana, nicotine, self-pleasure) caused a slow decay of my "wants" to the point where, once I had reached some recent financial goals, I had felt it important to begin the self-inventory process as I was not fulfilled. That occurred in January of this year - I knew I was in a bad place - which coincidentally, was where my W was at as she had just crossed the line with sexual conversation in her online affair.
Which put our two ships on a collision course.
Where I stand today, after rattling the cage this morning and again in the early afternoon, and its not manly, but its what I have....
We are housemates raising a child together. She is moving into the guest room. She is getting a job and will pay as much as she can toward half of the expenses.
I am going away for the weekend to buy some clothes and spend time with my Mom.
Over the past 2 weeks I have continually lost ground in this and its because of my own selfish want to fix this and try to make it work better.
I am going to the therapist next week.
My road to health begins today with the words, "keep your mouth shut" while in front of my wife.
For someone who kept going on about how selfish he was in the R, etc. Aren't you still doing it?
I mean, you said YOU decided on things, told her to leave the house, separating bank accounts, etc.
If you saw it from your W's POV, you came off as being an @$$. I mean, did you give her a chance to cut it off with the OM? Did you ask her? No. In fact, it sounded like you were condoning it because it was satisfying her needs.
Then the next day you start splitting things up. IMO, you need to step back, take a deep breath and get some patience.
From the way you come off, you claim to understand how selfish you were, etc. But you're doing the same thing. It sounds like you already want a D.
If you want that, that's fine. If not, you've got to slow down and stop jumping to the first idea that pops into your head. It's not good for you son.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I don't think it's the "manning up" advice that's speeding him along. He's thought about things very methodically and logically. However his own conclusions jump from thought to thought. Patience.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Women Do Not Want A Man Who: 1. Wants to be mothered 2. Is needy and dependent 3. Has no back bone and can be walked all over 4. Is not positive 5. Cannot handle tension 6. Is aggressive and abrasive 7. Doesn’t know how to listen 8. Can’t understand women 9. Is not proactive 10. Has no life outside of the women he is with
Women Want A Man Who Is: 1. Self Assured 2. Calm 3. Collected 4. Comfortable 5. Direct
A man may come in different packages and versions BUT the foundation is always the same. You need to understand why each of these traits is important to women.
Self Assured This is man who is confident and believes he is worthy of great things. He is not worried about rejection, never focuses on the “right thing” to say (worried about the reactions of others) and always goes after what the wants. Not in an aggressive, jerky way. But in a confident way.
Self Assured This is man who is confident and believes he is worthy of great things. He is not worried about rejection, never focuses on the “right thing” to say (worried about the reactions of others) and always goes after what the wants. Not in an aggressive, jerky way. But in a confident way.
Calm A calm man is one that can handle tension. This means that if a girl does not call him back he doesn't freak out. He doesn't replay the interaction with the woman over and over and over again to realize where he made mistakes. A calm man does not fall to pieces when confronted with a difficult situation. For example, when a woman throws out a “batshitcrazy test”. A man who panics and gets emotional when faced with this test is not properly handling tension. Therefore he is failing as a man in a woman’s eyes. (women test men all the time)
Collected Collected means, having your act together. You are not overly needy. You don't write 5 paragraph long intro emails (those men who feel writing long a$$ notes, letters & emails to your wives to get your point across, stop! they don't work, women get tired of reading them, don't write them at all, it's a waste of time and you jus set yourself up for writing even more intense notes,letters,and emails because the previous one were apparently not acknowledged, let go of the NEED to do this) and you do not feel the need to instantly respond to texts. You have a life. You have boundaries and you know what you want. Once you have this belief in place and stick to it that energy will come across to women.
Comfortable Have you ever been around someone that you know is comfortable in his or her own skin? It's intimidating right? It makes you more uncomfortable and it makes you want do things for that person or with that person. You feel this way because you want to become this way. Everyone wants to be comfortable. Especially women. If women are with a man who exudes comfort, then they will feel secure, safe and attracted.
Direct Arguablly this is the most important one - it conveys confidence and a man with confidence is an attractive man, a man without confidence is weak, insecure, needy, wussy and downright ugly & smelly. Say you want to ask a woman out (when you get ready for social interaction, ie. dating). Have you ever asked a woman "what are you doing this weekend?"
The question is indirect, open ended, leaves too much room for multiple answers and scenarios, in a nutshell, this isn't direct. That woman could respond with several different answers, one could be: "I am going out with 5 other men who are not you." LOL!
Instead of being indirect, BE DIRECT by saying “I want to take you out this weekend.” This statement is clear, honest and leaves no room for interpretation. Women sense the confidence in a man who is direct this way.
Even if a man gets rejected after being direct, it makes no difference, his world is still intact, his attitude is "her loss, not mine" and on to bigger better things.
Not continuing to ask, beg, plead - that's horribly unattractive.
Men, you can continue to spout logic & reasoning and ask "what about marriage vows, commitment, our children, our family, everything we've done over the years, etc." and the women in your lives will be "that was yesterday, what have you done lately?"
You can't rely on history to bail you out of your problems, you have to rely on getting back to basics, finding yourselves again and becoming MEN again, all very tall order for most of you but definitely not impossible.
Regain your self-esteem and self-respect, I believe you can do it but my belief won't be enough, your actions will decide what happens to you.
