My question for the Panel here,,, Her Father, (intelligent, common sense, whom I admire and trust)wants to sit down with both of us to talk.... I am confident about affair between the W and OM.. Would a good approach to take be to say "if W doesn't disclose/acknowledge the affair, there is nothing for me to discuss" and then just leave?
It's a great question, DDogs. I would listen to him quietly, and respectfully. Be "the calmest guy at the table," so to speak. When he is finished, let your wife speak. Be a gentleman. If she says something rude or disrespectful, though, CALL HER ON IT -- calmly. If she LIES, let it go, doing nothing more than shaking your head -- for now, just until it's your turn.
When it's your turn to talk, yes, I think you should say "Dad (or whatever you call him), I have great respect for you, and I still love your daughter. I don't want a divorce. But I can look you in the eye here tonite an tell you that I've been giving this my best effort, and I can't do this if she is going to be involved with someone else, and refuse to tell ANY of us the truth about it. It pains me to say that, but I have never lied to you, and I never will, and I wouldn't be saying such a thing if I didn't have ironclad proof. A marriage takes two, working hard at it, and this simply can't be done as long as there's a third person in the marriage. I have told her that I'm willing to do whatever it takes, including addressing my own issues, but ONLY after she removes this other man from the equation. I won't be disrespected in my own home. I hope you can respect that."
