nsw, I can relate you how you're feeling about coparenting. I love my children, but I don't relish that (like you) I have 15 years of coparenting R ahead of me to negotiate with H. I wish that I could really feel that I could GAL with total freedom from having to deal with H.
But this is a turning point for you nsw. You failed to commit to the mother of your child, but if you fail to commit to your D, it will be a mistake that you will almost certainly regret for the rest of your life. And you, like all of us, will have to live with the consequences of your actions. All we can do is try to evolve and make the best of a life that is not a clean slate. Because you get to the point in life where you can't escape your past choices. That's part of maturity and the life stage that we're in or entering.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
hmmm...I found out OM's full nmae, address, and email address.
I really dont feel any better knowing any of that, as it isnt as if it does me any good. In fact I'm tons angrier...it seems like he might have some money. It floors me to think my ex might have left me for someone with money.
Going over there would be worse than going over to my ex's dad's house...and what can I say in an email that I didnt say to him over the phone that Friday night.
Now that I know who he is, I also now know that my ex and him are kicking around a getaway to my ex's dad's girlfriend's condo down in Myrtle Beach. This was back in January when I found evidence of this.
If she thinks she's gonna take D3 on the vaction that should have been a family vacation with the three of us...she's got another thing coming. I'm not gonna let my D go with them and them have sex while D3 is asleep. Then again if she doesnt go they can do it all the time...but still D3 doesnt need to be around that.
This whole situation is getting more rediculous by the moment. I just hope I can keep quiet and maintain composure when the ex comes to get D3 tomorrow morning.
Maybe it eats at your W she has to co-parent with you. Ever think of that?
at least theres a bright side then.
You know, I really think you need to re-think why you are even on this site. I hope you understand that I'm not being facetious or rude, I'm serious.
Take a look at the stuff you come up with EVEN NOW, and ask yourself what the heck you want and what the heck you're doing.
Me - I just realised I got a lot of work to do on myself too. Have not fixed that tendency to have a look at car crashes when I pass by yet ...
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Take a look at the stuff you come up with EVEN NOW, and ask yourself what the heck you want and what the heck you're doing.
I know...it's mean and spiteful.
I can and have owned up to things I did or didnt do that made her unhappy in the R, but it's not my fault that she didnt/doesnt want to work things out, nor is it my fault she has no family values and is only interested in making herself happy (even saying "so what, I'm supposed to stay and be miserable for D3?").
But after all that's been said and done, if this situation isnt going to work out the way I originally intended, I will not wish my ex well and hope she enjoys her new life and freedom with the OM.
To me that would be disrespecting myself and my feelings...as if I was saying "oh its ok that you lied to me, cheated on me, and broke up our family. All I care about is your happiness...go have a good life...I'll be ok."
I cant forgive her any easier than she can forgive me apparently...assuming she actually cares about any of the things I need "forgiven" for in her eyes.
Your reading and learning here and elsewhere should have told you this by now: You forgive her for YOU, not for her.
You can have foolish, excessive, useless pride, or you can have peace as a better person. Forgiveness is not excusing nor condoning by the way; it's not even about forgeting.
going on the way you are is like whining about the sharpness of the knife your W plunged into your heart, and not seeing that wringing your hands as you hold the handle is only twisting it deeper.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Your reading and learning here and elsewhere should have told you this by now: You forgive her for YOU, not for her.
You can have foolish, excessive, useless pride, or you can have peace as a better person. Forgiveness is not excusing nor condoning by the way; it's not even about forgeting.
Forgiving might indeed give some peace and make me a better person...but I dont feel like I'm ready to forgive yet. The wound is still too fresh so to speak and every day or so it seems like something else comes along to open it up more.
After my message last night my ex texted me twice and called me twice. I didnt respond to any of it...but she must have been really affected by it to not just ignore it like she has messages in the past when she's been working.
Assuming she comes to get D3 in about 45 mins...I'm interested to see what kind of state she's going to be in...and how I'm going to deal with her questions if she has any.
When the ex came to pick up D3, she walked in the door and told D3 to go upstairs because she and I needed to talk.
She asked me what my message was about last night and I told her that with Lent coming up and her having D3 on Fridays it made me think about how we arent going to be going to get fish at places together and how she'd be doing that with other people. She told me if I wanted to take D3 to get fish one friday I could.
Of course she knew that wasnt what it was all about. I told her that wasnt what I meant...that all the holidays that are coming up and other special days and we wouldnt be doing them as a family (as in the three of us) but instead she and other people (as in OM) would be doing stuff with D3. I said that with all that's happened it really makes me appreciate what I had.
She respondede back saying "thats right...what you 'had'". She said that she had to drag me to all those things and I hated her family and stuff because they liked to smoke and drink. While she did have to drag me to some of those places and I wasnt pleased with how her family did things...I cant say I hated them.
I told her that people change and why is that so hard for her to believe? She came back saying that it takes a lot longer than two months for people to change. (Scientifically speaking, it takes 21 days for habits to be formed and broken...so change can happen in 2 months if not sooner).
And she still has the idea in her head that all I want is for her to instantaneously forgive and forget everything as if nothing ever happened and just come back home. Why cant she see that to reconcile can be a long process...and not like flipping a light switch? Why cant she see that to reconcile takes baby steps?
I honestly believe that she wants me to keep being the guy she left, because if I'm that guy then her leaving and staying gone is justified, whereas if I'm a good guy that has changed all the issues she had with me and then some, she looks like the bad one for leaving.
She said she was going to try and get D3 to take a nap today...and revealed the plans about the basketball game, though she said it is her dad, her dad's g/f, her and D3 that are going (which I dont believe...I think its gonna be her, OM, and D3). The game starts at 9PM and my daughter is 3...I'm sure she's going to get a lot out of it (sarcasm intended). Why would you take a 3 year old to a basketball game that didnt start until 9 at night when her bedtime since she was born has been 8PM or earlier?
At any rate, she threw the fact that I say she cheated on me with OM in my face along with her saying that I called her a name that I dont recall saying. She said she didnt cheat on me but I can think what I want. I told her cheating didnt have to be physical...and she said "we were just friends". She said she cant just forgive me for accusing her of that and calling her that name. I found that to be a little absurd...to think that someone who cheated could think the person they cheated on needs forgiveness for calling them out on it.
Then she asked me if I thought she cheated on me and I think she is the word she thinks I called her, "why in the hell would you want me back?"
And I told her that it was because I know that the sweet and caring girl I fell in love with is still inside her and I have seen her come out from time to time. That's when she called to D3 and told her to get ready to go. She said "I'm not gonna sit here and listen to your mushy BS".
She asked me a question and I gave her an honest answer...yet she calls it "mushy BS". What else could I have said? I was honest and that is why I said it. If I didnt think the old her was in there...I wouldnt wanna be with her ever again...because I despise who she's become.
At any rate her and D3 headed out the door as did I in a very angry mood. I came back to her car to tell D3 bye and that I'd see her tomorrow and I turned to my ex and said that things didnt have to be like this. She just got in her car and we all left.
I went to the gym and the ex called while I was there. I let it go. She then texted me and said "you said it doesnt have to be this way but what other way do you want it to be?".
I havent responded...because I dont know how to even respond to that. She knows what I want and telling her again isnt going to change things, it will only keep the back and forth going.
I mean really...if you wanted to work things out but you know it will take time...and she doesnt get that it doesnt have to be overnight...how would you respond?
She's just so closed minded and wishy-washy. She wants to be left alone but then says its ok to call and text...she says she cant forgive me for stuff that I dont need forgiven for anyway but then asks me how I want things to be...and she already knows my answer anyway.
I wouldn't take the bait and get sucked in...keep doing what you're doing and do not pursue- obv. the mushy BS doesn't take, even if it's the honest truth.
I told her that people change and why is that so hard for her to believe? She came back saying that it takes a lot longer than two months for people to change. (Scientifically speaking, it takes 21 days for habits to be formed and broken...so change can happen in 2 months if not sooner).
So tell us, nsw: when are your 21 days going to start?
Because even though I've no longer been posting to you, I've been following along, and I don't see yet where you've even BEGUN to change. You're still making all of the same mistakes you made when you first got here, day, after day, after day, after day.
