Sitch update...(old poster returning yet again...)

[Kettricken]

The sad thing is (I'm not saying this is true in her case, obviously) that there can be a massive amount of covert conflict without any honest forthright communication of same, at least "in front of the child". As I'm sure you're aware.

I agree that without serious buy-in from both parties in terms of facing and smacking down their respective demons, real lasting change is unlikely. (Although it's amazing how much movement one person can produce.) My caution is, don't get married to any one theory (especially, out loud to her) about where the nest of her demons might reside ... for one thing, that can be a little bit too up in her mental/emotional business, but also it might blind you to other clues.

Good for both of you for committing to the process .... she might be resisting still, but at least she's not running away screaming. It IS hard, as you know.

I like your list.