Question

[awest1217]

Checked H's AIM. IMs from OW say "ily" (i love you) and "thanks for dinner tonight". He saw her tonight! What to do? Ignore him all weekend, tell him I know and see what happens, or just pretend it didn't happen and act as if.

Suggestions?

[Lucky11too]

First of all, regarding opening yourself up - there is one consolation that you really only have to go thru one more month of this. Give it your all, open yourself up, and go forward with or without H with absolutely no regets!

Regarding OW, I think you are absolutely right in setting that boundary about him not coming home with OW still. Yes, he may have slip ups, but you can work with that. He is still a work in progress. But for him to think he can somehow continue to have you is definitely a problem. It sounds like a big blow up is about to happen (your above post) but don't let it get to that proportion. Yes, this all needs to be discussed and it needs to be discussed soon, but you have to find a way to talk about it in a loving firm manner. Fighting about the issue will just cause him to get defensive and will be completely unproductive. Show him that confident, strong, loving woman that you are and keep working on trying to get thru to him. If you want to wait until after V-day to see if he comes thru that would be an option, but just don't let it fester all weekend so that you explode on him. Honesty is always best and H's can't read your mind, so let him know that you would like (or would have liked?) to have a special V day with him. Remind him that you two need to start doing more things together to give you guys the opportunity to explore where you want this R to go. If he can't give you his time to at least have that chance, then you know his heart is not in the R. Definitely a lot to think about and it's not an easy thing. If it was me though, I think I would try to have a talk with him tomorrow in hopes that we could come to terms now and at least try to salvage the holiday weekend. If you have to stretch the truth a bit go for it and act as if you still love him. Maybe avoid the OW talk first to see how responsive he is and go with the whole I want to give our R a chance to see where it can go and that means I want us to spend more time together (starting with a nice V-day?) It sounds like that would be positive for you too b/c you need a chance to discover that loving feeling again too. Maybe with OW, start by playing naive with it and feel H out on where he thinks he is with it (still refusing to cut her off? "Trying" to cut her off? Or truely ending it? - in his words where he thinks he is) Unfortunately, although I know it's not the best to snoop, I'm with you on it b/c you need to be able to protect yourself, otherwise you could be put back into that bad situation again. You don't deserve a life like that but I don't believe your H is hopeless. He knows he has an issue-he just needs to follow thru on getting the help he needs. So I don't know, think about your options. There are definitely issues that need to be discussed but how and when is the tough part. Stay strong girl! One way or another, this will be over soon. Let's just continue to hope, pray, and plan for the best.

[awest1217]

Thanks. I guess I should think of this as the sprint before the end of the race. Who is going to win?

I did text H after I had church last night because I wanted to let him know that I did want to do something on V-day. I said I hoped he had a good night (I am sure he did because OW was there) and that about V-day, I would really like to do something. It doesn't have to be anything big, just something. Then I said I love you and good night. H responded hours later saying, i hope you sleep well. good night. i love you bunches xoxox. That was weird for him and even more loving, but now I know why. The reason I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is up (I didn't really until last night. It was more of me being scared.) is because H is always super sweet when he has done something wrong. Extra loving when he normally isn't so I knew something was up.

I definitely don't want there to be a blow up, but I do need to say something and I would like more information. I might wait until at least Monday (unless the opportunity comes sooner). I really just need to watch my behavior and act as if. Hold my tongue and fake everything. I am not good at that because I am a very real person, but I will do what I gotta do. I think when I do bring up everything it will be under "are you planning on moving back in? and when?" I have plans the next few weekends, but they may have to change because after that, htere is only one weekend and he has to be out. He likes to be spontaneous, but this is going to need planning. We have a lot to talk about before he comes back so hopefully that can bring up other questions. With him, I am going to have to be direct because when i fish and he lies, it burns me up and then I can't hold it in adn tell him I what I know and he gets mad for me "fishing" and setting him up. So when I do say something, I will need to say "I know you had dinner with OW Thursday" and see where it goes.

On a side note, I am also scared about telling my support system everything. They know H has not made any changes when it comes to OW, and I am scared about telling them as well. They don't want me to compromise either. I just need to find the strength to say no in a loving way because honestly that is what it is going to come down to because I don't think he has told OW anything about us, and I know she won't stop and he won't "hurt her". Sad for me because it lets me know where I stand.

[Lucky11too]

That's good that you know what works best with H. Be open and direct with him then. I'm proud of you that despite everything you were feeling, you were still able to reach out to him last night. I hope he now realizes that v-day is important to you and makes an effort to do something with you. Just try to make the most out of your time together this weekend and prepare yourself to hit the heavy stuff next week. For next week, kind of being more business like and setting out the plan for his potential move back should keep things from getting too tense while hopefully still gaining some important insight on where he's at. It's hard to know how it's going to go, so just be prepared with the things you know you would like to address and how, and then be flexible from there. But I think you are right that the time is now to let go of OW and not wait until the last possible second before he has to move back. He needs to get rid himself of her and start focusing on you two and spending time with you. Maybe make the proposal that he has dinner everynight with you (or whatever you feel comfortable with) as a start to reconnecting on a daily basis, which is necessary if he is to move back. Maybe suggest MC too? So just think about some possible short term solutions like these that could show he is serious about a future R with you and not just another "roomate" situation. It's good for your sanity's sake that time limit is coming up, but that also means that you have to get to action now. Have a good Friday!

[awest1217]

Thanks Lucky. I am personally proud of myself for waiting and not blowing up at H. First time in a long time I didn't just let him have it when I found out he renigged on OW. 48 hours...I am learning and growing.

I am going to let it go for this weekend because I do feel better, and I think I might have spoiled his plans by asked about hanging out each day this weekend. Oops! Not really! I feel a lot better and I am going to just see how things go.

I have a four day weekend so I am off today. I feel very accomplished which helps me a lot. I am almost done cleaning the house. I made chocolate chip cookies, and I am aggressively working on potty training. S is in underwear, the best way to go because pull-ups are too much like diapers, and he has been dry all morning. It is hard work putting him on the toilet every 30 minutes, but if that means no more buying diapers...I am for it. The only bad is I am a little house bound, but if I do want to go out, I do have pull-ups for nap and bed time so I could just put them on him and keep the potty schedule.

I am feeling good as you can tell. Proud of my personal accomplishment of not going off, proud of S, and proud of all I have done. Tonight H is coming over right after work so while S takes his nap I am going to shower and look good.

[Lucky11too]

You go girl! That's the spirit! =)

[awest1217]

Tonight was fun. H thought I looked hot so that is always good. Now the bad...he got out his phone to check if his mom had called him (their phone was busy and it was about the time she usually calls), and I could tell by what he was doing that he had received a text. He always deletes his texts now so I can't check them, but I took a chance and saw it was from a co-worker who has encouraged the relationship with OW. It said the movie was at 9:40 and not 9:50. H has her S in class and said something about going to the Lightning Thief (which I agreed to go see with him) with the coworker's S. Here is the thing. We had a great night. A lot of hand holding, kissing, hugging, but the problem is he never told me. Not even to say he is going with the co-worker. Not even to tell me we are not going to go.

Plus, he said something to his mom about how he had to move out but wasn't sure what he was going to do yet....WHAT?!?! Then what in the world is he going to do? Is he looking for apartments with OW like he did in May? I have so many questions, but I am scared to ask and ruin what is going on between us. He has been very affectionate, but I also know deep down that nothing has changed. I mean even the respect to just tell me something as small as I don't know if I am moving home or I am going to the movies just so I know, but he gives me $$ to go and by lingerie. I don't get it?

I have decided to send him a text right when the movie is starting that says good night and have fun at the movie. All night he watched the clock and I knew he wanted to leave, but didn't make a big deal out of it. He knew I was upset and he asked what was wrong, but I am not going to ask at his parents so I said nothing and he just kept being more affectionate. It is nice, but to me that is all a cover up and means nothing. He did say on the way home that he got me a V-day gift so I am thinking about not saying anything, but that would be wrong to me. I feel like this is how he controlled me for so long and put me down by making me feel bad for asking the tough questions because he is being so nice.

AHH! I hate this game, but I do love him and when he looks at me with his big brown eyes, I just think man I do love him.

[awest1217]

So I decided instead to call and ask directly, and he said "I am not going" with the high pitched innotation at the end of the statement. Obviously lying. I said I just wanted you to tell me, and he said "I told you I would". He said ok and I said ok i will see you tomorrow and we hung up.

Just now he text me, and said that the one text i read was his coworker telling him that the time was 9:40 because she is taking her son. I still am wondering why she needs to tell H if he is not going. If just she and her son are going why does she need to clarify the time?

I will never know the answer unless I go out to the movies and search for his car, which I can't do to S. I can't stand all the secrecy and everything in our relationship and now I feel like I just messed up the whole weekend. He will say something or just not come over until around 11 tomorrow. It will all be awkward and he will just be more secretive, which in return drives me away more.

I don't know what is wrong with me. Am I sabatoging everything on purpose or am I doing what is normal? Now I am feeling completely horrible and guilty and that makes me feel worse because why should I feel guilty for needing to know the truth. He makes me feel so bad about myself all the time because he acts like I am always at fault and like why should he come home when I don't respect him or give him his privacy. Why should he trust me when I won't trust him. Why should he even bother when i don't. I can't stand this feeling I get and this is why I don't want to be with him anymore. This is why I want out because he does this to me every time. Just by saying a few key words he kills and destroys everything I try so hard to build.

Deep down I know he is going to the movie and probably with OW, but he also knows I can't check on him so I will never know. There is no transparency and never will be because he wants privacy. I did text him back. I apologized and said this week has been just as hard on me. I said with him coming home in less than a month I need to know that I can really trust him. I said I wouldn't be mad if he went, I am just upset that he doesn't trust me enough to tell me. I said have a good night and sleep well.

I don't know but this always happens. We get really close and I do something to stop everything. Always...I just feel like if I would stop looking at absolutely everything and just let him live his life, we would be fine. I mean everything is always about him. The lingerie is not so we can have sex, but so we can "mess around" and pretty much so he can get off while I get nothing. It is all about him, what he wants, who he wants to see, when he wants to come home, if he wants to come home. What about me? When do I get my turn?

[ClingingToHope]

You didn't do anything wrong. Don't beat yourself up. The problem isn't with you. It's with him.

[Lucky11too]

Yes, exactly. You did nothing wrong. They have a way of turning their own guilt around back on us. He was the one being secretive and you had the right to know. Yes, he got upset but he should really be upset with himself for not doing like he promised you. That much being said, you deserve this weekend. The way I see it, if you have to bite your tongue for two more days, then just let it go for now. You'll have plenty of time over the next week + to discuss all these issues. Have a fun time with H and just try to find some joy. Like you said, you like the hand holding, snuggling, kissing etc...enjoy it! Obviously there are still huge issues behind all this, but it soudns like he is putting you first this V-day, so go for it. Then get your head together and composed for next week and have a straight forward talk about what his plans over the next month are, moving situation, and any other pertinant issues. You don't have to apologize for you actions but maybe just explain to him again that you are working on yourself too and it will take some time to work thru these trust issues, but that you see it being worth the journey. You know, just reaffirm him of your desire to move forward with him but definitely still adress the issues. I hope today goes well for you and that you are able to have a good V-day tomorrow. Good luck! =)