Is my wife a WAW or is this a MLC? thx2brs

[SoCo]

AYK I would not go to the house anymore. I would cover your butt and have a neutral meeting place. Have set drop offs and pick ups, times, etc.

You be there. If they are there, great. If not, well, you were there. Document it. Seriously. I am afraid that some of this stuff is going to end up backfiring on you and getting you into trouble that you don't need and aren't really looking for.

I would also cut all txts and emails about ANYTHING except direct important things about the kids immediate health or something urgent.

If she is not delivering them for your visitations, document it, keep it for your attny. and move on. Then she will be digging her own hole. You need to be staying above the ground

I agree, do not fight your daughter and her. You cannot control them. You control you and cover your butt.

They have an awesome ability to try to twist and turn EVERYTHING as you know. I would never enter that house again. You are putting yourself in dangerous situations if W and D twist the truth.

As far as her being the meanest, a lot of them are very mean and vengeful. I'm dealing with a hugely vengeful one right now. And I am having to cover my butt and try to build a case. You need to keep yourself squeaky clean...

[are you kidding]

Ahhhhhhh vent.

D and wife are flipping nuts and mean and selfish.

I am great if I get walked over, I'm terrible and punished if I don't allow it.

order yeah right, moment i try that i'm threatened and taken advantage of anyway.

believe me it would be easy just to throw hands up and say you win.

I don't bow my back on too much.

D and I's relationship is much more difficult than typical father daughter relationship.

My wife wasn't a parent she was always d's best friend and always covered for her.

It would be too easy to make a threat or order, but it falls on deaf ears.

happening right now, i say no to a sleepover on a school nite, now i a pos and she's going to the movies cause mom said she could go and not staying with me and mom says its her life she can live it.

so anyway.Order yeah right.

Can tell you this if either of them were a guy, I'd so kick their butts.:)

I got this with D and if she's miserable with me, so be it, be miserable.Somebody in the court system is going to see my side of things.And D is going to start asking vs telling.the heart shots, well she'll always be my D.

She's only hurting herself, I know how many times I've extended my hand and how many times I told her I loved her, etc.

Son isn't like that, he and I bonded, now he throws his fits, like last nite when said no your not watching southpark here, your 11.

But unlike D he isn't selfish.

Oh these kids are spoiled, they are way spoiled.Dang it.

[Lostforwords]

D and wife are flipping nuts and mean and selfish.

People often behave as they are treated. To you treat D with respect and kindness? Do you set boundaries for D with respect in mind or control and suppressed individualism?

I am great if I get walked over, I'm terrible and punished if I don't allow it.

Once again...are your boundaries in place to control or protect?

D and I's relationship is much more difficult than typical father daughter relationship.

Are you so sure? I think most fathers have issues with their children developing a self-identity.

My wife wasn't a parent she was always d's best friend and always covered for her.

Water under the bridge....At this point you are only in control of how you interact with your daughter.

It would be too easy to make a threat or order, but it falls on deaf ears.

Are you a leader or a tyrant? Think of both Hitler and Ghandi. Both were leaders....one by tyranny and one by pacification. Who's style overcame the adversity more successfully? Boundaries are good, but the delivery makes the difference.

happening right now, i say no to a sleepover on a school nite, now i a pos and she's going to the movies cause mom said she could go and not staying with me and mom says its her life she can live it.

Did you explain why she couldn't? Did you give her achievable goals so that she can achieve her end goal. Not saying Mom was right, but was the situation described accurately and without opinion?

Can tell you this if either of them were a guy, I'd so kick their butts.:)

Fighting is good for two things...bruised knuckles and making enemies...nothing else.

I got this with D and if she's miserable with me, so be it, be miserable.Somebody in the court system is going to see my side of things.And D is going to start asking vs telling.the heart shots, well she'll always be my D.

Would rather choose to be with some one or be told to be with some one?

But unlike D he isn't selfish.

Maybe because you have treated him with more respect than your daughter. Look at how you have treated him, set boundaries, etc.....Did you really treat each child the same?

What I am saying overall...step out of your shoes and look at it from your daughters. How would you react?

[are you kidding]

Lost Thanks I've been nothing but nice. Forever to my family.I've been too nice, no if they were guys, I'd kick their butts.Or at least dope slap the heck out of them.Those two created the monster.Before wife went nuts she knew it.When we were together,more people would come to my defense,including the principal 2 wks ago you know who wouldn't.The wife.Maybe D's been wife's mouthpiece all these yrs?Grandparents on both sides and all but wife's favorite neighbor shake their head, but see I wasn't the head of household,I gave in most of the time, to keep the peace and now I'm getting persacuted for the times I didn't keep the peace but spoke my mind. Wife told D the otherday, live your life anyway you want to it's your life and also told D that D and I relationship was half the reason for her divorcing me.Those that have been following this blog, remember kids can see me when they choose. That's how wife was, whatever the kids want, they get. Instead of cracking D's butt, son told me wife got a security system. Now I'm not paranoid, but I'm sure I'm in play there somewhere to as to why she got the security system.

Now I'm asking these questions and no not because I'm focused on my wife,I'm trying to understand, because no I was not perfect. But I sure as heck was not that bad,I was tricked into being felt to be worthless and that's a way to end a 19yr relationship or be remembered.

I'm turning the corner on somethings,not near what I was, but I am mentally feeling better.

What kind of personality type is it that has a MLC and at the beginning of the Anger rationalizes and follows thru on a divorce,bear in mind,this person didn't want one.Now I know stress had a lot to do with it.But from June to August every flipping fault became another "stress."And so quickly.

Never offering "emotional support" came up later."Together,share,why didn't I do more with kids or use certain gifts," that was before June.

An MLC'er sure gets you hopping.

But what else.

Now I know I pushed,pleaded,begged,obsessed,on the emails and texts,hoping somewhere in there i'd find my wife.But the bomb was "I'm numb, no feeling, it's you was June."July the don't want to date,be alone,split assets,holidays. Now that would not have come up if she hadn't talked to someone about divorce in June or July.

Most do not do that, do they?

I did not realize the level of selfishness,rationalization,ANGER FOR SURE,the complete and total destruction of a spouse I was in for.So hell yeah I'm avoiding her, love her, I do not like this new her.

Another question:As if, do you As if pma and smile no matter what, do you As if and ignore them like they do you? And no do not freak out, we'll pull the last ditch effort a wk before the Divorce is to be final, which for now, have 58 days until a hearing, so trying to buy time.

Why don't we do a timeline? There were some in the archives?

I do not offer to do anything for her anymore, I haven't in awhile, but I don't think she wants me to protect or even offer too.

I'm going to keep my word on some stuff, but nice has definately got me no where.

I'd hate to use the word consequence,but a consequence of all this it spun me into such a depression I am barely holding a job, now it will be alright, didn't want to be a mngr anyway, but anyway a consequence of this, is it did affect my income, also for shared custody a reduction in hrs and she was on such a together kick, i resigned the mngr position in July.My point is, I'm not making as much, she's not going to be receiving as much.I was so weak, I mean physically mentally weak guys, plus all the running around now being a DAD,which is what I want to be, I can't get back into old position.

I don't think she'll be able to afford the house. Now I know how to rescue it.

And who knows what her bottom will be if there is one, darn it.

But do I let reality hit alittle bit, that oops I don't have the cash coming in that I was taking for granted?

Not fighting with her for D, I'm just documenting everything.

Don't like my atty, so I'm going to just document for a bit and just try to stay out of the way.

[are you kidding]

I had a list of stuff I was going to do and instead of doing it, I got on here and posted then I read.

I'm starting to figure out the archives.

I do not like one flipping thing that is going on, not one.I know it's not her fault.I'm crushed,devastaed.Still in the wtheck.

I debate btween is she purposely like moving on without me or is she just nuts.

I've been venting too much or looking for someone to do my job for me.

If someone could answer the question about personality great.

D I'll figure that relationship out.

But here it is, dishes aren't put away, etc.

It's almost like an addiction getting on here.

I was going to ask if I say happy bday to her, thought it'd be mean not to, but guess what ayk was reading in the resources vs tweeting and the answer was in there, so no I'm not going to say anything to her on her bday and I was not just going to reach out either without asking. I have 58 days of being dark to do.

What I have been doing for myself, learning as much as I can about mlc, going out occassionally.

I'd be lying if I said I totally accept this.

I've been gritting the heck out of my teeth, don't wanted to talk about what's going on.

I need to work on myself, I really need to turn the corner.

I thought it wouldn't be a fair fight.

Yes while I may be the sane one.

I definately do not control anything.

Think I'll spend some more time in the archives and try to limit the novels.

[Lostforwords]

I break parenting style into three levels. The hard part is staying in the right level. So I feel it breaks down like this;

48% of the time it is controlling and negative...receives like response from child

4% of the time it is affirmative, respectful, and self aware-Great benefits, but very hard to maintain

48% of the time-Being a wouse-Children don't respect this and walk all over the parent.

The hard part is staying in the 4% were we respect the children's individuality, but can also place boundaries in a positive and growth supporting way. The delivery is the key...go to Covey's book and read the 4th Habit again (public victory)....I think it could help deal with your daughter more effectively.

You know that you are MLC carnage. I have been at it for 2.5 years and I will tell you....there is nothing YOU can do that will change that. ZERO...go to retro, go the MC, send her to IC, be nice, be supportive....none of that will stop the MLC roller coaster. That is why it is so important to focus on yourself. The only affect you can have on her MLC is to make it worse....so focusing on you now becomes double important.

I have to thoughts for you;

My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

"No one can depress you. No one can make you anxious. No one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you anything other than what you allow inside."

It is the truth...leaders rise from the ashes, followers play in the ashes until the find an ember to burn themselves on.

[are you kidding]

Lost printed off your post. Good stuff. Knowledge is at the turn of a page, but man putting stuff into action.

But hey, I'm not in the fetal position and praying for death like I was in Oct,Nov.

Tomorrow is going to be 8 months since I was home and yeah that was only for a couple minutes THEN BOOM. So 9 months since the fuse for the bomb was set.

I know everyone's sitch is diff, but I really do feel like I was kicked out.

She was numb back then, I remember being crushed, crying, the Friday before and she went had a blast with friends.

Hell the day after she asked me to leave, shoot she threw a party, so why do I want her???And every action she's done to me since.

I was the one that was asked to leave, "don't want to say something I'll regret, maybe I'll realize what I have..."

That'd be a no.

One month since an email:)

D was terrible to me again today, nothing new.

Saw a sign this morning said even though odds are against you God is with you.

I have seen it where it's been posted we do things that prolong our spouses MLC.

Other than the R talk which got most of nowhere and staying out of the line of fire...

Whatelse?

[Lostforwords]

You have grown over the last few months....that is VERY important. The more important thins to remember is that you will need to continually grow.

Stay out of the line of fire....that is the best path.

The next time she is terrible...ask her what is frustrating her and listen. Don't project your world onto her....First understand, then be understood.

Quote of the day-He who endures conquers!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I have seen it where it's been posted we do things that prolong our spouses MLC.

Other than the R talk which got most of nowhere and staying out of the line of fire...

Whatelse?

You are asking WHAT we do that can prolong their MLC?

You tell us what you think.

I'm not being obtuse on purpose, just trying something new with you. Giving you advice seems like sink to me. Now if you figure it out on your own...maybe it might stick.

[fisherman]

KISS/Don't add to the chaos or add to the justification

You give yourself a small clue each and every time you post AYK.