Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

Something new tonight. H texts me to see if I'm busy tomorrow. I say no & he responds that he might have tomorrow night off. So I was like oh good, does that mean u wanna hang out then. He replies that if he has it off then maybe. Ok, wouldn't mind a little more enthusiasm, but at least his first thought was of me this time. I know he is exhausted today from the big game day though. So we'll see what happens tomorrow...

[awest1217]

He is making progress. Remember texts don't necessarily do the best at showing emotion so don't read into it too much. More progress.

[Lucky11too]

So interesting night last night. It started kind of rocky though but was good overall. First of all, there was some big miscommunication. I said I had next Monday off (president's day) and for some reason H thought I had said yesterday, which is why he took the day off (but on Sunday, he just said that he had it off and asked if I had plans, so I don't know what's going on there). I felt bad that he took the day off for me so I got out of work an hour early so that we could meet up for dinner before we had to pick up S. I get to the place and H says he is just leaving! Ok, it's not like I just got off work early for nothing! Then he's like, where we meeting? I was so frustrated! Don't you listen to anything I say. We had this whole thing planned out and he agreed with the plan. So, instead of getting mad (which gets him mad), which I used to always do, I kind of just joked it off with a, "better late than never. haha.". So when H got there, he was so apologetic about being late and how his ADD had been really getting to him these last two weeks and he just can't concentrate on anything. Apology accepted and we moved on (I'll lhave to keep this in mind - interesting tactic on my part).

The rest of the night went smoothly, kind of. We had been talking about seeing the movie "From Paris With Love" so H decides that we should see it last night. I am just so anxious to go out to see a movie with him, so I agree. H asked his mom to watch S for us and then wanted my parents to pick him up after their church meeting. I felt bad for my MIL b/c she's had him all day, but H assured me she was ok with it. The problem with my parents picking him up though was that they don't get home until 9 and S goes to bed at 8. So, we have dinner and are discussing what to do and H keeps pushing the movie, so finally I'm like, look, we need to do what's best for S and that's getting him home so he can go to bed. And if we can make the movie still, great. H is just so selffish and just kept making it all about him and what he wanted (I liked that it included going on a date with me, but still, S comes first in this case!) In the end, it all ended up working out - we picked up S, put him to bed, my mom got home at 9, and we got to our 9:10 movie. But still, I was really surprised how selffish H was being!

So I guess that was a lot of the negative, but there was some definite good throughout there too. First of all, he followed thru with his plans. Second, he really wanted to hang out with me. And third, we had some good discussions. It's too long to go into all the detail, but it was encouraging to me that he seems open to change again. Two comments that stood out though, one about how he doesn't know if it's his ADD or depression that cause him to drink so much (good that he realizes there's a problem and that it can be fixed). The second about church, in how he's not going to go soul searching to find some church to go to, but if we happen to come across one that works, then great (definitely a change to the definite no, I will never go to church ever again!). He also said that he must get his sleep surgery down soon b/c he feels it is getting worse. Yeah, com'on, just go do it! So, it was all kind of encouraging. Long long long road ahead, but it looks like there are things I/the therapist can work. =)

[awest1217]

You handled everything very well! I am glad you had a good night. Keep hanging in there!

[Lucky11too]

Not too much to report...yet. Just talked to H and he is on his way to his appointment with the pyschiatrist! Hoping and praying for good things to come out of it! =)

[Lucky11too]

OMG, I was looking at Valentine's day cards today and I realized how almost spiteful I've become. I would read a card and just scowl at it b/c it was so ridiculus giving the situation ("my loving H that", "wonderdul H that"). Blah. Just can't find the right card yet that speaks how I feel, so I guess I'll have to keep looking...

[awest1217]

AMEN! Anniversary cards were so hard. I finally found one that simply stated how I felt without being too mushy or too "in a troubled relationship". I haven't looked yet for V-day cards because I need to know how I feel before then. I will look either tomorrow or Friday. Not looking forward to it either. Maybe a card with a cute pic and blank inside? Then you can write what you want inside?

Good Luck!

[Lucky11too]

Long day at work today. Super slammed. A billion other things keep coming up at work so I can't get to tax financial prep and am completely behind. Blah. But enough about work. H texts me tonight to say that he got Sunday off. Yay! I asked him if he had any particular plans for it. He said he wanted to go back to the place we went on New Years. I'm excited for a second chance with this b/c I was so sick on New Years and S was so sick, that I just want to do this better this time. I had saw a deal on that place and asked if his "connections" could get a better deal than that. He said no so had me book the room. I am really excited. I have not slept in (6:00 with S everyday!) since S was born (I even got called home early on my one chance on New Years). I'll miss S but the chance for sleep sounds soooooo wonderful! So that's all good and I'll take it for what it is. Unfortunately, it still feels all really fake (like even our "date" on Monday). I'm constantly having to bite my tongue and act loving even when I think he's being such an idiot. For example, last night when I went to pick up S, H was still there to see me (Yay!). I invited him over to have dinner/watch TV with us. He said that no, he didn't feel like sitting around watching tv and instead was going to go out with his friend. I just said ok and let it go, but inside I'm fuming b/c I know it's going to be another drunk night! Ug, doesn't he understand he's killing himself.

So one last thing to update on. H saw the pyschiatrist yesterday. From what H told me, he said he's now at a 7 out a 10 on the ADD skill (severe) but is not going to prescribe meds at this point b/c he believes by getting the sleep apnea surgery that will bring him down to a 3 or 4. As H said, the sleep apnea keeps depriving his brain of oxygen and is slowly killing him. Crazy! But has he made the appointment yet? NO! Ug, so frustrating. Just do it already and save your life and hopefully ours too! His ADD causes him to say very hurtful things to me (causing conflict fulfils their constant need for adreneline) and I don't know how much longer I can continue to let it all 'roll off my back'.

Overall I am very happy with the progress we are making but I am still very cautious. I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It still all seems impossible. I still don't see how H can ever become the husband and father I need him to be. I don't see how it can happen without me being the only one to compromise (with things that are unacceptable with compromising on - drinking/boundaries with OW's) as H seems pretty dead set in his ways. But trying to just continue to take one day at a time though and see what happens. If I can enjoy the ride along the way somewhat (like with V-day), no matter how fake it is, I'll take that small joy. Still alot going on in my head...

[awest1217]

Some good progress. You are really staying positive, and at least you know why H acts the way he does; sleep apnea, drinking, ADD. Not great excuses, but those are huge reasons to not be able to control your actions well. I know it is frustrating that he won't get help, but remember a few months ago going to a psychiatrist would have been a long shot. Now he is at least in counseling. It just seems to take him a while to go through with the next step, but he does get there. He at least says he needs to go get the surgery...now to do it. Plus be may be scared about the procedure or how he will change. With more oxygen goign to his brain, he will start to change personality wise and that may scare him as well.

You are so strong and doing so well. Just keep it up! As long as he keeps making progress, and there isn't any talk of OW (the drinking will take longer to stop) just keep working. Have a good day!

[Lucky11too]

He is definitely scared of becoming a different person. When we were talking about ADD meds, he said, "What if I turn into this preppy boy and start wearing sweaters" and other silly things like that. haha. I reminded him that he still is the person he is (unfortunately) so the basic him won't change. My hope is that any change causes him to be less hurtful and to make better decisions!

I invited him over for dinner and movie tonight and he joked that he "would see if he could pencil me in". Oh please! So we'll see if he ends up coming over and how that goes. I want to try to avoid any R or OW talk tonight. It comes up everytime we hang out and frankly, my emotions just need a break from it. I just want to have a good time and have a chance to enjoy each other this weekend. (and hopefully OW's will stay out of it. OW2 has a way to keep intruding with texts. Get over him, OW2! You're across the country now!)