Marriage Downgraded to Good Friends on 2/5/10

[Mike in Jax]

Not the most manly way to state it but it is a step in the right direction.

Thanks for the, um, affirmation?

lol!

We both established 3/19 as our put up or shut up date as that is the Friday where my son's standardized testing ends.

She mentioned that she needs counseling before she can make a decision. She did mention that she is going to take a job ASAP. She told me that she thinks I am feeling like she is a mooch.

To that I shared - no, the problem is not that you are a mooch (because you are not), the problem is you get to eat your cake without the responsibilities of the world beating down upon you. You are making your decision in a vacuum - and unless your last name is Rockerfeller or someother big money man, no one gets to live in a vacuum.

[Bworl]

no, the problem is not that you are a mooch (because you are not), the problem is you get to eat your cake without the responsibilities of the world beating down upon you. You are making your decision in a vacuum

I absolutely agree.


There is definitely a dynamic between the two of you that is quite odd for me. Can't put my finger on it, but there seems to be a significant emotional distance between the two of you.

Has it always been so?

Someone earlier mentioned that you were "Spock-like" in your apparent emotional detachment from this. I would say that same sounds true of your wife.

Guess I just expect more sparks and fire, given the circumstances.


Bill

[Mike in Jax]

I think the lack of emotion comes from the fact that:

1) I was told in early January that she wanted a "hall pass" to seek a night of sex outside of our relationship.
2) A few days later, I found out that this night of sex was going to be with someone that she knew from her past and they were in the process of rekindling their relationship.
3) We went through a tough stretch between 1/25 and 2/5 where we talked, fought, discussed, used logic, used emotion - all leading to the point on 2/5 where she was able to redefine our relationship in her mind as friends.
4) Last weekend were decent days with me focused on, "if I do what I need to do, this will all work out fine"

I began posting here on 2/8.

5) Tuesday we saw the MC and was told to go work on ourselves for ourselves with the hope that next month when we meet with the marriage counselor, the marriage would have more to add to the discussion.
6) Wednesday was a great day - but I still woke up this morning wondering why she is able to have her cake and eat it to and I get no quarter in return.

I think the reason why I am emotionally detached right now is because I see a woman who has already moved on with her life. I could get emotional about it, I could rant, I could write how she is so unfair - but in the end, my tasks remain the same.

The biggest help I received in this whole process was the understanding that I will be unable to detach if I continue to pursue her in a co-dependent light.

This morning I realized that is exactly what I was doing and owed better for myself and my son.

I think you would have seen a lot more emotion had I began writing 2-3 weeks ago but now my future is more clear than it was ever before.

My wife lost the emotional fire because she came to the realization on 2/5 that this is about her, not me, not us.

I guess on 2/11, I came to the same realization.

[MrBond]

"We both established 3/19 as our put up or shut up date as that is the Friday where my son's standardized testing ends."

The deadline isn't going to work. When you establish a deadline on something like this, it exerts pressure to both people. Pressure creates stress. Stress creates conflict. And besides. The deadline is based on your child who isn't even involved in the conflict.

Both you and your W need to establish boundaries as to what can or cannot be done (such as contacting the OM) and then commit to do the work. Then let time and togetherness work itself out.

You can't relate your smoking to your W's EA with the OM. Iin the case of your smoking, you are willing to stop and are putting in an effort. She, however, has not.

"She did mention that she is going to take a job ASAP. She told me that she thinks I am feeling like she is a mooch."

She could be lining a job to prepare for her departure. Make it clear that it is not what she is doing it for.

"I found out that this night of sex was going to be with someone that she knew from her past and they were in the process of rekindling their relationship."

Is she still in contact with this person?

[Mike in Jax]

I said my peace and then spent the next 7 hours hashing it out with her.

In the end, I am back in limboland with no end in site.

Same as the posts on the previous page - work on self, she continues with her cyber-EA, we both go to individual counselling and see sometime in the near future what our love for each other holds.

Good night all, I am going dark for a while.

[Mike in Jax]

I woke up this morning and new this was the day - the day I begin living my life for me and my son only.

At 8:15, I asked W to leave the house. By 10:00 we were separating our bank accounts and at 3:00, we will share the news with our son.

As much as I feel emotionally charged by this, I view it as the only way to move forward with both of our needs as the centerpiece of this arrangement.

Yes, it presents challenges, but in the end, if you cannot commit to each other, then what really do you have?

Its cold and rainy outside. Quite fitting actually.

Individual therapy begins Wednesday at 1:00.

My new life starts today.

[imLIN]

Just a general observation...WAW's tend to move quickly to D...and I wonder if it is because men want a quick fix and when they don't see the changes they want soon enough they are ready to move on...thus subliminally signaling the WAW to make a hasty decision (while in the midst of her fog it is almost a given what the choice will be)...then after the dust settles do men give the appearance that it is set in stone...no turning back?

Where a WAH tends to drag his feet on divorce...cake walks a lot more, usually...and will go back and forth on his decision while the LBW vacilates back and forth like seaweed in the tide...and usually (because of financial reasons, children, emotions)takes longer to give up thus giving the WAH time to come out of the fog...

Mike...sorry things are moving so fast...I really think given your wifes state of mind if she was given more time, less pressure, and was able to see your changes over time (it takes time to believe they are real, especially after years of practicing habits that let do the downgrade)...actually from a female standpoint I saw a lot of promise...but I think pushing it insisting on your place might have premature seeing as she lived with your "habit" for quite sometime...don't get me wrong, I am not saying she has the right to do what she is doing...but I think we can all agree that it is understandable...leave a cookie jar unattended too long and someone will take a cookie.
What you had in your favor is it had not moved on the a PA...while for women EA can be equally fulfilling, in time the OM will usually pressure for more and that is when she might start really thinking of the consequences...and his being married, even if HE says it is an unhappy one his wife might have a totally different view...I know I did when my H walked out to his online mistress!
Also in time OM might show his true colors as to what a jerk he is but casting her out will just drive her to his arms because she will have no other place to go but into the arms of the man who wants her(so she thinks)...my sister-in-law was treated this way and ended up marrying a man even though she knew it was a mistake (leaving her X was not a mistake in my opinion)...and now is on the road to another D.

I don't know how you can slow down...and catch your breath...and give her the time to see her situation as it is along with your "wonderful" changes...but it seems that you were quick to move the timeline up...quick to get it done...

If I am wrong in my interpretation just know it is a woman's perspective...quite possibly one your wife might be having...

[g450]

inLIN I see what your saying and was thinking the same thing in regard to my own sitch. Wish I could get through to her.

I was divorced yesterday and my xw stated how it made her feel much better to be free of me.

What she doesnt know is that I will continue to db and that my heart and my home are always open to her. I just hope she comes out of the fog one day and realizes this.

But I cant put my life on hold either. Im not getting any younger. Only deal breaker is if she moves towards an OM. We will see.

Sorry for the hijack.

[Lostforwords]

Mike-

I read your posts a few previously and I am just catching up with the latest happenings. Very interesting read and a lot of advice. The thing I find most disturbing though is what appears to be your desire to head towards divorce so fast. From what I have read...you have been on the board for approximately a week and in your situation for no more than 45 days. So in other words...you are very new, very unstable, and in my opinion making a bad situation much worse by attacking judgmentally and without much understanding.

While I don't support your wife's actions, you appear to blame her for basically everything that is bad in the current situation (obviously caused by her email EA) and giving minimal lip service to your own actions. You have addictions (bravo for starting to end them) that have gone on for years despite your wife's plea's to end them. Just by stopping for a day or week WILL NOT undo 16 years of this behavior. Just like she will not respond to these changes in one day. YOU have set a precedent of being self-centered and narcissistic...and eventually people will behave as they have been treated.


You have been giving a lot of "man up" advice and it is good advice at the right time. The truth being you are not at the right time. You are just a few weeks into this and kicking her to the curb is going to do nothing for you, her, or your son. She has no reason to stop...how many times has she asked you to stop before? And have her request fallen on deaf ears? Her response has nothing to do with respect for you as a man...it has to do with being fed up and responding in a manner similar to which she is familiar. By her telling you what is going on...in woman speak that is saying "start to straighten your crap up!" and this time she isn't going to wait like she did in the past....she has said her word and expects you to fail....now not failing will be "manning up".

Gucci's advice is sound (same with Puppy) but at the right time. Read their stories...they didn't lay down boundaries and ultimatums in your time frame. They worked on themselves first and that takes time. I would immediately call the OM's wife, let her know what is going on because that is the right thing to do.

Then I would work on skeletons in my closet first before I judge on some one else's issues. In a month or two once you have dealt with your issues...if the EA continues, then it is time to set the boundaries that have been mentioned. DB'ing is all about you and just berating somebody for their issues while not addressing your sufficiently will get you no where other than a hateful co-parenting hell.

I know that you probably won't heed my advice sine you are "manning up"....but someday you will see what I am talking about. I would also suggest reading the "thinking about leaving" board. I know there is a female on there complaining about her husband's (or boyfriend) porn and masturbation addiction. If you want to judge your wife's actions maybe it is best to understand how she feels from a woman's perspective.

My H and I have been married 1.5 years. 9 months into the marriage I discovered he was addicted to porn, he was viewing porn for 3-4 hours at work. Our marriage is still unconsummated - he has low testosterone and refused to seek help in the early few months, and after seeing the gross kinds of porn he viewed I didn't want to try to have sex any more. He also lied about previous relationships, money, etc. - he lies about almost everything. He is supposedly in "recovery" (claims to attend 12 step groups and therapy) but he has broken promise after promise and demonstrated his continued untrustworthiness. He won't show me his credit card bills or cellphone records or give me his email passwords which I need to feel safe. We have been living in in-house separation for 9 months now and are planning to separate. We have just been together 3 years and have no kids. I have been depressed for a total of 9 months after discovering the betrayals and lies - I have never ever had a depressive episode before getting married. I am pretty sure separation and divorce is the correct approach but still I seem to need validation that it is the correct decision. Anyone else been in a similar state?

How is that for an eye opener to your behavior and her possible view of it. This woman has only been married for 1.5 years...not 16.

Good luck and watch out for snow!

[Bworl]

Well put Lost...

This is what I was trying to convey, clearly unsuccessfully earlier. There is a time for the tough boundary, shape up or leave philosophy and I think it's typically not the first thing that needs done.

That being said, Mike faces a difficult issue if his wife intends to continue carrying on her improper relationship while in the house.

It's a tough call.


Bill