Well, I VERY calmly confronted her and told her that I am tired of the lies and that I can no longer live like this. I told her that we both have decisions to make about this R because I don't plan to sit around while she continues to see OM. She is upset and crying now and left to go to bed. She tried to bring up the fact that I went to one MC session and didn't invite her. I told her to stop, that she had not shown one once of interest on her part for working on MC since the bomb. She said she doesn't know how we could ever have a good relationship again after this and I told her by working together on it but that as long she is seeing OM, that won't be possible. I told het that I may be willing to continue working but only after she shows an effort on her part.
She said she doesn't know why I still love her. I told her that that was the vow I took and that I took it seriously.
She came back down and wanted to talk more. We had a long, calm discussion about how we got to where we are. In some ways, it was weird to have this talk because she has never been so open about the tough issues with me. She usually shuts down when it comes to the tough stuff. I called her on a few things she unfairly attributed to me. I even for the first time let her know that I have reached a point where I now know that it was not just my fault that we are where we are at. She agreed. I stood my ground but was very calm, cool and collected. I did reiterate my point that while I think things could work out between us, that I was tired of the lies and that I can no longer tolerate it. I told her that we both have decisions to make about where this us going.
You are doing ok, but your boundaries need some work. It seems like she is waffling, but you need to work on yourself. She is confused, conflicted, hurt, scared, etc, realize that and go dark. From everything I have read, there can be no chance of reconciliation until the A is over. I feel for you man, it is tough to deal with the constant lying. To me that is the biggest deal breaker, lack of trust.
I have definitely had trouble with the boundaries and I think that is the Nice Guy coming out in me. It is fear plain and simple. Last night was the first time that I was able to gather the courage to say that this isn't working for ME. Based on what went down, I know I am going to need a lot more courage moving forward.
Yeah, the trust is going to be much harder now. After I originally confronted, she said that "you don't have to worry about me and I think we are moving in the right direction". Since then, things have felt like they were improving but then this. I am at a loss as to what my next steps are.
I agree that there can be no R until he is gone. When she brought up MC last night, I told her as much. I have made myself available to her because I was trying to show positivity and keep the path back somewhat smooth. She brought up last night that she still feels hurt over what she thought was a lack of physical interest on my part so i think you are right that she is hurt and confused.
She still wants to do the fun things we had planned for this weekend and I don't quite know what I should do. Should I pull back and just say that I need sone space to think right now? I don't want to push her away (fear talking) but I don't want toencourage cake eating either.
You have to evaluate your own situation, and what works. If it works keep doing it, if it doesn't do something different.
I am in the camp of tough love, but i am no expert. So, that would be setting firm boundaries for YOU, not her. And busting the affair.
I know all about the fear, I have been there. It will come and go. I think about the future, not the past. However, remember how you were before you met your W. I bet you were fine, independent, confident, take on the world. Get that attitude again.
As a former AWAW, I can tell you that fear of losing her will show on you and it will be a turn-off to her. I believe that regardless of what WAW say to their LBH, they truly want to see him show strength and leadership. I think it is something that's just built inside of the very basic part of a female to look for a mate that is strong enough to take care of her and her off-springs. Whenever a male allows the female to bully him in any way, then she stops respecting him. When you allow this sort of behavior, that tells her that you are not as strong as she is....and therefore she doesn't respond to you in a positive way. She is disrespecting you with this A and you need to call it what it is......an affair and stop allowing her to talk all around it about other things in the R. You two can talk to the cows come home but it will not help one bit as long as OM is still in the picture and you need to just stop talking about the R, period, and put the monkey on her back. Nothing will work until she gets rid of OM. Say the words to her and don't say, "until you show effort", tell her until she dumps the OM and can be a faithful wife, then you don't have any desire to be with her.
I tell you men that if you would stop being afraid and act as if you don't want her......you would see a big change, but you won't as long as you act like a whimp who is scared of her leaving you. She can't love a man who would put up with a W having an A!!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the 2 x 4 sandi. I am stronger than I was 6 months ago but I still need to have this stuff beaten into me...
Originally Posted By: sandi2
She is disrespecting you with this A and you need to call it what it is......an affair and stop allowing her to talk all around it about other things in the R.
Believe me, I must have used the word Affair at least 10 times the other night. I am no longer mincing words on this one. After talking to my therapist the other night, we agreed that my W has this A compartmentalized to a very high degree. It was interesting that when I first confronted the other night, my W said, "we aren't together anymore". I immediately reminded her that we are in fact still married and that what she is doing is having an affair. She is deeply entrenched in her justifications right now.
I feel in my heart that the time for tough love is here. I hear it from you, my friend who is in the loop and my therapist. I just get so confused about her actions. In our talk the other night, I mentioned some things I had read in the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The next night at dinner, the first thing she mentioned was that she wanted to make sure she had the name of the book right so she could buy it. I saw tonight that she did buy it. I can see two scenarios here, the first being that she is placating me and wants to bring me back in line my making a token effort and the other being some real desire to work towards an understanding and a solution.
This morning, I was distant from her. Honestly, I was having trouble looking her in the eye. She was on her way to her car and came back and said that she "hated that I was not able to even look at her and that it made her feel like I was pushing her 100 miles away" I know that I may be being manipulated but when she did what she did this morning, it makes me feel like she is trying to find a way back but is scared and doesn't know how. It makes me feel that she is worried that she could lose both of us by trying. My therapist thinks I am crazy for trying to empathize with her at this point, maybe I am. I know that still love my wife but I also know that I am not willing to continue to be walked over.
A lot of my fear now is based on not wanting to mess things up by reacting too strongly at the wrong time. At the same time, last week was pushing the limits of my patience and self-respect and I know that if she can't leave OM, she is effectively making her decision and I have to remove myself from the equation.
Well on a positive note, the diet is still going well. I lost another 3 pounds last week so I think that makes 7 pounds so far! I am starting to get my bike geared up for cycling season which feels nice too since it will offer me MUCH more GAL opportunity and stress relief.
I am fighting hard to stay strong because on top of this, work is also really unfun and stressful right now. I sometimes feel that once I make it through this nightmarish time in my life, I will be able to withstand just about anything life throws my way!
I came home this afternoon and saw in the computer history that W has been googling for local marriage counselors, a google search on "how to save a marriage" and reading some relationship articles. I really hope that she is reaching a point where she can start to work on herself and eventually work with me on understanding how to move forward. Forunately, yet unfortunately in some ways, she spent a lot of time on the DB website reading articles and she read some of MWD's blogs and twitter feeds.
I came home today with a resolve in mind to lay it on the line tonight and tell her that if she can't cut off contact with him that I can no longer be with her. I passed OM in a stairwell at work today on the way up to talk to my boss. I was so agitated that I could hardly carry the conversation with my boss and it made me upset to think of how unhealthy this whole thing has been for me. Yet now, I see that she is actually reading up on relationships. I know that this is only a very small step for her and may not mean much right now but I am at least hopeful that a little of the A fog blew out the other night!
I will probably change my screen name now since "Junco" will catch my W's attention if she somehow makes it to these forums. If we ever reconcile solidly, I wouldn't mind her reading my thread but would prefer for her to not see it for now.
