You have to evaluate your own situation, and what works. If it works keep doing it, if it doesn't do something different.
I am in the camp of tough love, but i am no expert. So, that would be setting firm boundaries for YOU, not her. And busting the affair.
I know all about the fear, I have been there. It will come and go. I think about the future, not the past. However, remember how you were before you met your W. I bet you were fine, independent, confident, take on the world. Get that attitude again.
