Hi di- I am happy to chime in on your thread whenever I can offer anything of value...which may not be that often since I'm on the rollercoaster too.
We met my H for lunch yesterday and he brought his business partner who I have never liked and like him even less after he cheated on his W and is now getting a D. I thought it was strange that my H would invite him. Anyway, lunch was fine, I did my best to be friendly but I am sure that my H could tell I wasn't completely comfortable. When we were leaving my H told me he would call me later and I said okay. Well, of course, I never heard from him. I am sooooo tired of this. I'm trying not to have any expectations but there is a part of me that can't stop from thinking that my H is figuring this out and it going to tell me he wants to be with me. It is hard for me not to push for that. I hate this. I cannot be his friend except from a distance. I wonder what is going through his head when I don't see him and it is even worse when I do. This morning I came so close to picking up the phone to call him and tell him that we need to proceed with the D. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I have a C appointment this morning.
Why does my H try to be my friend when he knows it isn't okay with me? I don't want his crumbs.
Yeah, most days I only dream of answers to all of my questions. I have moments of clarity. Last night I actually had thoughts running through my head (crazy) that centered around the idea that maybe I was worth being loved for who I am, and why have I been wasting all of this time begging and pleading for another chance from someone who says he doesn't love me, that he's "Lost that and doesn't want to find it." Then I realize that V-day is two days away and I remember all of the things H did for me when he did love me, and I wonder how do you just lose that???? Ughhhh............not productive, so I'm going to try to stop that.
Despite all of my time here I think it's taken me all of this time to "get it." I have recognized my faults and what fueled the MLC but despite my efforts to GAL and make changes, I think my hope that H would eventually come around has stopped me from truly living my life for me and making ME a person H would want to work for. I couldn't get past the idea that what we HAD should be enough to want to come back to. I do think I've lost that battle with him, and now I just have to make the changes for me and my kids, and MY future. If I succeed, and can pick up the pieces of what I have left, I will always wonder if I just hadn't been so slow..............but then that too is unproductive.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
It is great that you are able to realize that your thought patterns are unproductive and and change them. I need to try that.
What you HAD should be enough for him to want to come back if he were in a normal, rational state of mind. Don't worry about what you did or didn't do. Your H will either figure it out someday or he won't...all you did was show him that you cared and you were fighting for your M and family. Could that have prolonged this? Maybe, maybe not...as you say that is unproductive to even think about and if we need to move forward and better ourselves, we need to be productive, happy people...right?
Thank you Up.................I have moments of clarity/sanity.....followed by moments of panic.....L office just called to set up first appt................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
