Am I Ready for This?

[ddstartingover]

Yeah, most days I only dream of answers to all of my questions. I have moments of clarity. Last night I actually had thoughts running through my head (crazy) that centered around the idea that maybe I was worth being loved for who I am, and why have I been wasting all of this time begging and pleading for another chance from someone who says he doesn't love me, that he's "Lost that and doesn't want to find it." Then I realize that V-day is two days away and I remember all of the things H did for me when he did love me, and I wonder how do you just lose that???? Ughhhh............not productive, so I'm going to try to stop that.

Despite all of my time here I think it's taken me all of this time to "get it." I have recognized my faults and what fueled the MLC but despite my efforts to GAL and make changes, I think my hope that H would eventually come around has stopped me from truly living my life for me and making ME a person H would want to work for. I couldn't get past the idea that what we HAD should be enough to want to come back to. I do think I've lost that battle with him, and now I just have to make the changes for me and my kids, and MY future. If I succeed, and can pick up the pieces of what I have left, I will always wonder if I just hadn't been so slow..............but then that too is unproductive.