Hi Susan. I am sorry all this has happened. I can't imagine the shock you went through when your computer got investigated.
There are a lot of questions I am seeing here, but your main ones seem to be :
1. What do I tell the children? 2. Could I have made this better?
I think its important to tell the children what AREN'T the reasons for your H's leaving.
The main problem here is, he speaks to them to. Are you aiming for keeping the same story on both your ends, or are you ok with telling them ONE thing while he tells them another?
I would make sure they know he loves them and he wanted the marriage to work. You can tell them it was him wanting to leave, but he will just tell them that you drove him away... I dont' see any gain to be made there.
I would stick to telling them things HE isnt' likley to contradict... if you CAN get to gether and make sure you BOTH tell them the SAME thing, that's best. AVOID ANY BLAME.
If you want your children to have respect for you and your H then you can't blame him for the failure.
LATER on in life if you want to share with them his affair and history that's your choice, but right now they are too young to process this safely.
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Re his history and your marriage. It is really hard to make a marriage work. It's even harder when someone is secretly working to tear it apart. That's what affairs do... they are like an undetected cancer in your home... until its detected and treated, you can't expect to be healthy and should'nt blame yourself if its not.
This is a serious enough case that I think its best if you keep yourself and your chlidren away from him until he gets some treatment.
I have no issues with homosexuality. My issues are with your H engaging in romantic and sexual behaviour with people and NOT informing you. He is putting YOUR health at risk and in effect the safety of his family when he engages in casual sex this way.
Marriage was partly instutionalized to reduce spread of sexual disease.. if everyone is pared off and monogamous, sexual diseases aren't spread nearly as far. When a person does engage in casual sex AND doesnt' tell their spouse... I find this terribly wreckless, to themselves, their spouse, and their family.
You could both end up with a disease and your children would them be orphaned.. is that worth a casual afternoon of sex with someone? Hardly...
Until your H comes to grips with the dishonesty, the wreckless behaviour, and the impulse control probelms that are rooted in his not having control over his fantasizing your H is a serious danger to anyone in my opinion.
My guess is you aren't trained for the kind of extensive treatment he would need to get back to some semblance of normal. You need to decide if you want to be married to someone who will very likley spend the rest of their life in treatment and is at high risk of harming you OR if you think you can handle life independent of him. Its VERY hard being married to someone with serious addictions or disorders. Its impossible to be married to someone with serious addictions or disorders who refuses TREATMENT.
If he doenst want treatment, my opinion is that would sign you off on moving forward.
He may be a kind man, but the danger he is willing to put you through, and your children for such meager gains.. and ALL in SECRET... FORCING you to accept risks that you would NEVER agree to... is that worth it?
I can't imagine so. Whether you can tolerate his illnesses is one thing, but the bigger question is - are you willing to accept the risks to your safety that are necessary to engage him at all?
