Everything else is going really well...so well it is almost scary. I have a job I love, and it pays well so I don't really have to stress about money so much anymore. D14 is doing so much better in school. She is loving it here, and has so many friends. In the grand scheme of things, moving home was the best decision I have made through all of this, and there is no chance I will ever move back. I have learned that I cannot control D24 and D23, and so our respective relationships continue to grow immensely.
But I am so damned lonely. I really have tried to get out there, to try to think of dating, and I just don't want to. And yet I hate being by myself. But I also don't want to date for the sake of dating.
Everything else is perfect. And I know that I will heal from this. I don't know that the finalization of the divorce will do it, but I think that at least once I know that is done, it is one more thing I can grieve and put behind me. I just really miss the SG. And I am not even sure why.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I had a long conversation with a good friend of mine last night. She is the only person other than people here who has really listened to me, and helped me through alot.
I have to credit her...she knows her subject material. She has been married for a long time, but she made a comment to me, one that I have heard before, but somehow last night she really got through my fog.
I love SG, but I have to love myself more to let him go, to make this pain stop.
Somehow, I am still trying to "save" him. I can't. I need to let him go for my own sanity. It was strange, like a light going off in my head. I have lived in denial for so long, trying to save a M that is not saveable anymore. Yes, I love SG. But now, I realize, that I am worthy of being loved back in the way that will make me feel good, and I am worthy of giving love back that will make someone else feel good.
I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am not sure how this happened, or how it happend so quickly. I am still not ready to get out there, but rather to focus on really loving myself, and now that I am steady and stable, being the kind of mother I want to be, being the kind of woman I want to be, I can relax. I can breathe, finally.
I am sure that there will still be times when I miss him, and times when I wish things were different. But finally, FINALLY, I have begun to put this behind me, and really look at moving forward.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
LOL, You know by know that the words that I read from you speak to me as if they were coming out of my own mouth. I know exactly what you mean.
Somehow, I am still trying to "save" him. I can't. I need to let him go for my own sanity. I have lived in denial for so long, trying to save a M that is not saveable anymore. Yes, I love SG. But now, I realize, that I am worthy of being loved back in the way that will make me feel good, and I am worthy of giving love back that will make someone else feel good.
WOW, these words hit the nail right on the head for me. A friend of mine told me yesterday he left the marriage a long time ago and he was right. Didn't realize it but those words stuck with me. Facing the reality of things is a daunting task and can be very scary. For 2 years I lived in a "foggy" version on reality. No matter what was thrown my way I thought we'll get through it, we have to, no matter what, maybe ignoring that there are some things that no matter how hard we try we can't get past or will always be present or maybe change the relationship that taints it forever. For me it was him sleeping with my best friend of over a decade. I grieved sooo hard and for months about that and I thought I can trust him again in time he can earn it back. I think in some cases yes that can happen but for me that was such an intimate level of trust that was violated it would have always been with me and in the back of my mind. Not to mention he was so sorry he did it two more times with two different women after her. This isn't love. I deserve more. I have gave sooo much to this man and our marriage. I know now that I deserve to have someone put into me and our relationship what I do as well. Equal partnership not an unbalanced dysfunctional child-parent, me constantly trying to fix relationship. That is healthy. I'm workiing on this. It's a daily thing I must do. Tell myself we (son and I) deserve this.
It's hard to let go it is. What's weird is through the years I thought I was happy and at times I was but since we've been separated I'm seeing what happy should look and feel like. The last 2 years especially everything revolved around him, everything. Getting him through treatment twice, taking care of everyting. Somewhere along the line I was lost to myself. Forgoet what it felt like to have someone hug me, hold my hand, tell me I looked nice. My self esteem has taken a large beating especially with the cheating too. I wasn't enough for you?
But funny things have happened....in the last month or so I've been given compliments from men like "you're stunning, you look amazing" things my husband in 12+ years never said to me. It's nice to hear these things....if your anyone, but especially if you've never heard them sure helps to re-build my self esteem. So little by little I'm realizing things can improve, the sun will shine again, and the future can be what I make it. I too long to be with someone but know that I need this time right now for me. To continue the work on me, so when the time does come and I pray that it does and I meet someone I will be in a wonderful place.
Absolutely Nik. I think this path we chose to walk is a good experience, because we have learned unconditional love. It is an important emotion to know...intimately. But the fact is that each person has to know when to say when. When is enough...enough?
I realize that I do love myself. I am proud of the fact that I stood for my marriage and my husband for 2.5 years. I did everything I possibly could to hear him, to learn from the experience, and to take away knowledge that I did not have before. It is not my fault that SG refuses to see that. And you know what? Now I can truly say...it is his loss. He let go of a wonderful wife who would have loved him, and forgiven him. He won't find that again.
I feel the same about your H. We are exceptional, because most men and women going through this would have just chalked it up and walked away. But all of us have, you and me included, stood. We tried. We fought. And in the end, we won, just maybe not in the way we expected. I say that because we all gained something...sense of self. Self awareness, self respect, love for self. And only with that can you begin to love someone else.
The husbands and wives who have walked away from us don't have that. They will continue to search for someone else to make them happy, and not realize that in order for someone else to make you happy, you first have to be happy with yourself.
I am ready. I am sure I will shed tears on the day the D is final, and that is okay. But the tears I shed won't be for the loss of the man who couldn't accept and give love, but for the loss of the dream I had of loving this man 'til death do us part.
But ultimately, it is his loss. There is someone out there who will be able to look at me, love me, and let me love him back.
Someday...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I have always loved this writing, but today, I appreciate it even more.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Seems as though you and I are very much in the same predicament only you're one step ahead of me in the process. So nice to know that these feeling are normal but sucks that we both have to be experiencing such agony. But lessons learned and move ahead better than we were yesterday right?
I agree with that! I read that ... i dont know if it is a poem ... several years ago when my XB broke up with me. I found it and it made sense then, but I dont know that I truly understood it until today. I actually got the decree finalized, and it will go in the mail tomorrow.
At this point, I honestly don't mind if I don't ever hear from him again. I am sure at some point I will, but somehow there was an awakening for me, an understanding that it was okay to love myself more. I don't feel as if I have wasted any time because I really needed this time to heal. But somehow I think that once this divorce is final, it will allow me to really put it all behind me and move on.
I think you are right, Nik, we are on the same path. It is probably a little easier for me because SG and I did not have children, so once this is over, there really is no reason for us to keep in contact. Of course, I still have to deal with him over the next four years because of the bankruptcy, but otherwise I cannot foresee any reason for us to speak.
Only this time, I am letting go with love, with a sense of accomplishment, as strange as that sounds. I am not angry at him anymore, and I wish him the best.
It feels good. Every time today that I felt myself start to slide, I just remembered the words my friend said to me last night and it really helped. Maybe that is the key. I know DR says you need to take care of yourself, and we have all said the words to each other. But I don't know that we truly know how to do that until we can really separate ourselves from our spouses. Now that I have begun to do that, in the blink of an eye life is enjoyable again, even if he is not in it.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Ahhhhh I did. It was wonderfully relaxing, and I did a lot of sleeping. sigh...we should always have three day weekends.
Surprisingly, I thought of the SG very little. That felt really good.
Got my hair cut (nice cut, but the jury is still out on how I want to fix it), and eyebrows waxed.
Friday should be D day...but I am not holding my breath. Papers went in the mail today, so the SG should get them, but we all know how this goes. Who knows, maybe he will surprise me and I will finally be done with the legal part of this BS journey...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
