@awoken Thanks! Agree that it's fear and you are right. Even though it will be perceived as "revenge" by them, it will be good to protect any others from future harm.
@ruined Good point on not wanting to harm a relationship with H that really isn't in existence right now! And with my friends, similar things, except two were recently married and now I am kind of a "disease" they may catch. It's been interesting to watch. For the most part though, some D family and friends are the ones pushing me hardest- they all happily remarried, had kids, and are telling me waiting is not worth it, there is something better around the corner waiting.. Hmmm...Guess I just have to set a deadline for me and then make the decision.
Question.. I'm not ready to file papers just yet but has anyone brought their h to court to try and get him to pay at least his fair share of the bill? I am torn between just sucking it up and continuing to have to just barely make ends meet.... or to actually force him to pay his share or at least part of the mortgage. I guess I just still can't wrap my head around how someone can just walk out and away from all their responsibilities!
Question.. I'm not ready to file papers just yet but has anyone brought their h to court to try and get him to pay at least his fair share of the bill? I am torn between just sucking it up and continuing to have to just barely make ends meet.... or to actually force him to pay his share or at least part of the mortgage. I guess I just still can't wrap my head around how someone can just walk out and away from all their responsibilities!
I am not filing papers - I am not ready and this is not what I want. I will not file papers or will have anymore discussions of filing papers at this point.
Do you have children? I am lucky that my H has agreed to pay child support for our 2 minor children without filing papers yet. He has to remember or you may have to tell him that he is responsible for the bills as well - after all you are still M. Him not paying his part of the bills and you not being able to pay all will hurt both of your credit scores. I had entertained the idea of letting our family home go - but then I woke up - this would distroy both of us financially!
Depending on the state you live in and if you have children you can file for child support - temp seperation papers. Check out the laws in your state.
LNG Me - 37 H - 42 S - 19 D - 16 D - 14 M - 20 years S - 1/11/2010 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942142&page=1
Sadly, no kids. I think trying and it not happening right away is what ignited some of this. But I think that is part of my impatient state too. If I do want to have kids, I can't just wait and hope he comes around..
Also tried explaining he owes at least his share of the mortgage and his answer is "but I don't live there" and "you can cover it". Frustrated at feeling like I am being taken advantage of. I am maintaing the house so we don't lose it and destroy our credit.. he is taking vacations and has an apartment. Grrr..
you really need to check your state laws - there are many factors and differs from state to state. if he is absolutly refusing to help with the at least the mortgage you may need to file some sort of papers to protect yourself - if you are really worried do not wait until you are underwater. Cut what you can from your other bills - cell phones/cable etc...
you can typically get few advise from lawyers. Find a good one
LNG Me - 37 H - 42 S - 19 D - 16 D - 14 M - 20 years S - 1/11/2010 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942142&page=1
Rhody, Thanks for stopping by my "home" yesterday! Your post made me smile and feel like the last couple days roller coaster was worth it - I'm glad it helped you! I am no longer stressing about how to handle this next phase... this board makes all the difference - you will see!!!
You may not have the choice NOT to file. At least my H has been ok with covering other bills - just not the mortgage... you saw how I'm handling that. If you don't have any leverage with him - mine is threatening bankruptcy - you probably can't FORCE him to help you. Can you afford to make the house pmt alone? Do you have other bills?
Just remember - there is a reason many couples have to file for bankruptcy AND divorce ... one of the parties just quits helping! I'm not suggesting that for you - I don't think anyone wants to consider that option - but according to my L its SUPER common. That's why D is always mentioned when some stupid commercial comes on about needing financing when you have credit challenges... blah blah blah... Add up all the bills - and do what I did - here's what your "half" is and you need to pay it. DEMAND that he help. If he refuses then you might have to file.
Whether or not you file doesn't dictate whether or not he will come home. You have to protect YOU! He's getting the best end of the deal right now - NO responsibilities and ALL of his $. He has an obligation to you and you may have to enforce it - as HARD as that is... Trust me... I know
I got to the point where I decided that it was time for me to start demanding what I want from him. Pussy footing around waiting for him to change his mind is not working for me. I'm busting my butt to pay bills and he's livin large. We BOTH got ourselves into this situation and we BOTH need to live with the consequences. Just know... if you start demanding things you need to be ready to enforce the consequences if he refuses... INCLUDING filing for D yourself.
It took me 5 months of busting my butt to make ends meet while he lived it up before I was READY to enforce the consequences. I know its not easy to get there. The other posters are right - don't let your FEAR that he won't want to reconcile get in your way of making decisions that would be best for you. The hardest lesson to learn in all this is to make decisions without considering your H - heck - you've been considering him for years!!
Stand up for you and your rights - IF he dosen't respect you, everyone you know will respect you and more importantly, YOU will respect yourself. Just don't be vindictive - don't stoop to his level - you are better than that!!
You can do this - and you are already doing AMAZING!!! Keep it up!
OH - and I know how you feel about kids!! I REALLY wanted to be having them right now and instead - my H turned into a terrible 2 year old... WTF?
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
OH - and I know how you feel about kids!! I REALLY wanted to be having them right now and instead - my H turned into a terrible 2 year old... WTF?
All I can say is: better to find that out before you have kids!! I have friends who divorced before having children then remarried and had kids. Believe me, they do not take their marriages for granted! They don't let issues slide, they are totally motivated to work on things. Until you experience it, it's hard to imagine how much stress children can put on marriages. If a M isn't on a solid foundation before children, it is likely that children will make things much, much worse.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
So Valentine's Day wasn't as bad as I expected. Made it a "me" day and did stuff to cheer myself up. Halfway through today though you get that "UGHH!! How much longer do I just wait?" It's driving me crazy and I'm soooo tired of just waiting for something that may never occur!"
Have to make it a point to distract myself and not think about it but definitely need a deadline on the calendar to shoot for. If I don't hear by then, off to the lawyers to at least file some paper of some sort. Can't do this indefinitely and I can feel my thoughts changing from I miss him.. to just sign over the house (since I have been paying all the bills myself since July) and get out of my life.
I agree--Valentine's Day wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I played in my makeup for a few hours, wore a sexy new cashmere sweater, and danced around the house with my iPod playing party jams. Two other men in my life--my father and my brother--took me out for a really nice dinner, and we had a good time. My father is VERY unhappy with my H and keeps asking me "what is wrong with him." I wish I knew!! I am afraid that if or when H and I reconcile, my father will never be able to move past it. My father isn't a man of many words, but I'm sure he'd have some choice ones for my H. I guess I'll just cross that bridge if I ever come to it.
There is one thing about Valentine's Day that I wish I hadn't done--I wish I hadn't thought that he MIGHT call or text. I didn't hear a word from him, and I guess deep down I really knew I wouldn't. Still, there was this little part of me that thought I might hear from him. I hate that I thought that! However, I did hear from him at 8:45 the next morning. He sent a series of inane texts about the weather: Do you have a snow day today? How many snow days does your school district have left? What do the streets look like there? Is it still snowing? I wonder if this day-after trivial communication was meant to show me that he hadn't totally forgotten about me. Of course, I need to learn that I actually have NO IDEA what he's thinking!!!
I understand your stress over the waiting as well as the financial situation. Can you keep paying for things on your own if you don't file something in court? How do you think your H would react to this? Do you think it would drive him further away? Do you care if it does?
