"forcing my way back into our apt brings the biggest risk of sending her over the edge and straight to filing for the divorce."
Your perspective is all wrong. You are not "forcing" your way back into the apt. You are just going back to a place that is YOURS.
So let's see. You acting like a doormat allowing her to wipe her dog-crapped shoes on you is working so well right now. You can't even get YOUR mail. Like it says in DB. If something doesn't work, do something different.
The only conflict you are creating is in your head. YES she will get angry. YES she will throw a tantrum. YES she will hate your guts. How is that any different than now? The only difference is that she feels that way and you have nothing!
Why on earth would you CHOOSE continue to be abused? I know you don't want to rock the boat, but we've all been there. My W is only 5 feet tall, yet I was terrified of her mood swings. Now when she starts up, I simply put my hand up and tell her that she has to deal with the consequences of what she's done and walk away. She's wayyyy nicer afterwards. She learned how to respect me again. You need to do the same.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
She has drug her feet following through with it. So I guess what I am saying is: besides the fear I have of her (as you say)and besides the risk of coming out of this without a place to live - forcing my way back into our apt brings the biggest risk of sending her over the edge and straight to filing for the divorce. From previous vibes I have received from her that seems very likely.
So I guess you need to decide if you want to remain married to a woman who would be "sent over the edge" and would "go straight to filing for divorce" if you calmly exercised your right to live in your own home.
I know what I would do.
Puppy
P.S. Some people tend to be very compliant and "nice" when they have you under their thumb, and you're doing everything you need them to do, even if it's at your own expense. Something to consider, perhaps.
Why on earth would you CHOOSE continue to be abused? I know you don't want to rock the boat, but we've all been there. My W is only 5 feet tall, yet I was terrified of her mood swings. Now when she starts up, I simply put my hand up and tell her that she has to deal with the consequences of what she's done and walk away. She's wayyyy nicer afterwards. She learned how to respect me again. You need to do the same.
5'3 here, and about 115 pounds. I'm almost 6'1 and 200lbs, and she had me shaking in my shoes. When she goes off, (seen it about 8 or 9 times in out 20 year history) it is duck and cover! lol
Get this I'm 6'3" and I was about 225lbs now I'm about 190lbs. She Italian too about 5'9" 130lbs. I have only seen her wrath once or twice maybe - we have never really argued much.
It is becoming more clear for me. I'm getting tired of being her doormat. I have been in limbo land with her for over a month now and it is time for a major change.
I found out she is going out of town this weekend with the girls (she says). It would be pretty sweet if she came home and I was there - "hey glad your back, surprise so am I!"
I feel like I need to see an attorney JIC before I move myself back in there. I probly should hold on the the apt I'm in now too. I've got to work on a plan.
I just received my copy of Divorce Remedy today so I have some reading to do. I honestly didn't expect to receive advice like this from you guys - thanks again!
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
Move back in NOW!!!! no attorney asking, it is just the right thing to do, "I have decided that moving back in to my home is theh right thing for me." If the reaction is bad (and it will be) tell her, "I'm sorry you feel that way, would you like me to help you find a place?"
Thank you stuck808. Yes looking back now I wish the thread name was different (though that is really how I have felt). I tried to figure out how to change it but it says that once a replay has been made that's it. I tried to PM a moderator but the PM's are disabled.
She only hugged me because of her own guilt huh? That stinks. She cried a couple of times too when we met because she said people ask about me at her work and it upsets her when they ask. I guess that is guilt too. I was hoping that it was because she actually gives a damn about me.
You say that if she had second thoughts then she would not have mentioned moving. If she is not having second thoughts about any of this then does it make sense to DB?
I also still don't understand how I am just supposed to move back in. If tell her that I'm moving back in at this point she is gonna tell me to go _ myself. If I bring the cops with me - holy smokes that would be crazy.
FYI--if you need a moderator, click 'notify'.
:)--SG
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I moved out before I knew about the EA/OM. Had I of know about him I would have never moved out. I realize my moving out was pandering to her, but at the time I didn't know it would not help the situation.
Wayward, adulterous wives are extremely scheming, conniving, manipulative and calculating - both with OM and even more so with their betrayed husbands.
Your wife's behaviour is absolutely textbook, following the affair script to the letter.
Now, Q9 - move back into your own home. She's only being "nice" to you because you yourself are behaving "as per her calculations". She will go ballistic when you move home but it will be very short lived. This will be followed by her respecting you, even though she hates it that she respects you - did last bit make sense?
As Puppy says, have a plan before you do it (that's not an excuse to delay doing it) then execute it.
Good luck mate.
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
