I am resentful, and Coach's description is pretty accurate. The thing is that I have addressed the things that I am resentful over. At the time W's hurtful, disrespectful, inconsiderate, downright, mean actions seemed justified to her.
As part of my efforts to "stop doing what isn't working" I have made a point to not tell her what a headcase she has been and how much she has hurt me. It hasn't gone well when I have tried to address these things in the past. Either way, at this point she knows what she has done and I think is starting to get the ramifications of it. She still doesn't seem to think she has any control over herself or our situation though. By listening to her, you may think she is a real victim for "not feeling the way she should feel" about her husband.
She seems to have pulled back a little after coming over the other night.
S8 had a snowday from school yesterday. I had him the nifty before so I took a vacation day from work and we had a great day together. I spoke with W at one point in the afternoon and she was so bored and lonely. She never asked to hang out with us though. It's almost like she wants to suffer.
She still seems to have the "it's just not meant to be, why fight it" attitude.
Sometimes I am so ready to just be done and let her go. I still have times that I miss her. What kind of a massochist am I?
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I understand and have been working through some anger and resentment the last week or two. A couple of days ago, after a pretty deep emotional bloodletting, I realized I had to get control of my emotions. As usual, Coach has great advice.
I would add what I did, and it has worked for me. I made myself stop focusing on W and our past and why W refuses to work on the M. Instead, I have devoted my mental and emotional energy to the positive things that lie ahead for me: -being independent again -deciding where I want to live and what type of housing I want - condo? House? -realizing things I want to do but haven't -realizing there is a world of women out there who will be interested in me and, at some point, one of them will be the right one for me. -thinking of all the things (trips/activities) I will decide to do with my kids.
All of these things help me realize the world will go on no matter what happens in my M.
And if you can focus on those future positives, you will not be dragged down by your current situation or the past. In a sense (and I'm guilty of this too), your W controls the present and tries to control the past with her version of the past. But, YOU control your future at this point.
If W wants back in, she knows where to find you and, more importantly, she knows what to do to win you back (or try). From the things she is saying and her actions, it doesn't sound to me that she's ready to try to win you back or truly realized what she's lost. Until then, my suggestion is to continue on with your life while leaving a door open for her to walk through, if only in your mind.
Quite simply, you decide whether you want to be tethered to the current or past situation. Unburden yourself of those by focusing on your future.
I heard resentment described as feeling anger/frustration with someone for hurting you and you let it continue without addressing it. We get mad at our own inaction. Exactly!
If something is bothering you then it is your responsibility to bring it up. This is the flip side of transparency.
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Could it be that whenever we resent anyone, we are really resenting ourselves, our own failure to address that which produced the resentment: our own inaction?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Gardener, i really appreciate the thought, but I dont know if it's the best fit here. I have never had a problem addressing the things that needed to be addressed. If W did something that was hurtful to me, I was quick to talk about it. I always kept it calm, told her how it made me feel, and tried very hard to be considerate of her and her feelings and asked that she do the same in return.
What I got in return was her accusing me of trying to "control" her actions. Well...I guess I was. I was hoping that she would adjust her behavior away from things that were hurtful to me.
Addressing any of these things now would just be doing more of what doesn't work. If the time ever seems right we can address it then. If not, I think I just need to vent and let it go.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
communication is a biatch- I've recently learned about distractions, filters, and various obstacles to doing it correctly.
When I think of it, W did attempt to communicate her needs, but all of those factors were at play and I naturally became defensive- similar to your W. There's always a better way, don't get discouraged.
Working on communication in MC right now with H. Man is it tough. It took 40 min. for H to calm down and hear the MC saying EXACTLY what I said to him in the beginning. IT was amazing to me. What were those blocks that got him to not hear me at all?
I found that she had been talking to a guy that she knew from high school. My cell phone bill showed dozens of calls in a month, the longest for 4 hours ending at 3 am.
I called her on it. She said they were old friends catching up. That was a couple of days ago. Feeling like I was being played, I snooped today. It was more than that. They hadn't met and she seems to have ended it.
I called her and told her I thought there was more than just catchimg up. She denied it.
I told her that I promised to hold on and wait for as long as I could, and this was as it. It was time. She was tough and agreed. As the conversation progressed, she broke into tears, but kept with the D talk. She never asked that we try. I think she has seen D as the ultimate goal for over a year and was just waiting for me to make this move.
She wins. We all lose.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
