Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you everyone for your responses. Was really feeling down yesterday and hadn't slept very well. Sometimes H occupies too much headspace.
Snodderly- I so appreciate your wisdom on this subject. Just wanted you to know that I realized no one here was telling me to give up on my H, it was something I was feeling within myself. I do fight it most of the time, but my emotions ride the rollercoaster sometimes. You are so right when you said nothing could please them. As soon as changes were made in an area complained about it either wasn't good enough or shifted to something else. I could not win, and after a long time I stopped trying. That's when H decided that I took him for granted. I admit, I did.
OP- I am scared of the LS and D. Can you elaborate on how to turn the fear into a shield?
C-Bart - That was an amazing post. Definitely words to heed. I have been pulled down into my H's depressive states before trying to 'fix him'. Had to learn the hard way that I couldn't fix him and had to stop myself from being sucked down with him. Maybe that was in preparation for this?
Cat04 - Thank you for that phrase. It intrigues me and I will definitely look it up. I understand that the only person I can control is me and sometimes my control slips. Yes, the old M is dead and I'm not interested in having that one back, anyway. I would like the chance to build a new one with H. With the changes I've made and am continuing to make it couldn't go back to like it was. H is definitely a different man, that's for sure.
Libby- Thank you for giving me a new way to think about this. I'm glad to hear that your H has found a way to try and deal with his past.
Grace - You're so right in that the avoidant personality is its own brand of weird. H didn't deal with anything unless he was forced to. He figured if he didn't think about it, it would just go away. As for me, since I didn't nag at him I either tried to take care of things on my own or repress those things which I couldn't do anything about. I did have some resentment at times for H because he didn't want to face things. All those things that H didn't want to face came bubbling over and he ran, he couldn't deal with them. What I thought I had was the strong silent type of man, what I now know I had is a scared little boy running for cover and looking for someone to take care of him. Hindsight is 20/20. I am trying to forgive myself that I didn't recognize these things sooner. Sometimes you have to step back from a situation and detach before you can see things more clearly.
Thank you all again, you are all blessings in my life!
We all slip. We all have had those days. The key is realizing that they are just days and finding ways to move past them.
While the odds do not always look great, they are just that, odds. One thing you will realize too is that many of the situations that do not reconcile, is not because the MLCer doesn't wake up, but because depending on circumstances, changes in a person, etc... The LBS may not want them back.
Because it does become a whole new R, or potentially a whole new R, because of our own changes, when the awakening happens, it is possible to look at it and say, this just isn't someone I want to be with anymore.
The biggest difference with in that, is that the LBS has, hopefully, taken the time, grown, healed, learned, and can look back on the old R for what it really was, can look at the S for who they really are and make a rational decision.
Something I always ask myself when evaluating a R with someone, especially if there are some rocky times, is "if I met this person right now on the street, would I chose them for a friend?"
If I can answer yes to that question, then, to me, it is worth seeing if things can be ironed out or continue. If the answer is no, well then I know that the R is no longer good for me or my life. In many ways, it is really about removing your emotions from the equation, good and bad emotions, in order to evaluate it properly.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
OP- I am scared of the LS and D. Can you elaborate on how to turn the fear into a shield?
It is through detachment. Go back to the detach link and study it. NC does help with detachment. Also I found that IC helps, along with AD's. I have been on lexapro and it has really helped me with the "stress". None of these things make the situation go away but it makes you able to deal with them.
You can not fear the LS or the D. It is only a piece of paper. A piece of paper can not physically harm you. Your H will try to use your fear against you. That is why you can not let him control you that way. When you do not fear it then it is less likely to happen.
All of the advice that you are getting is good. Reread it and try to put it all together as a package.
We have all been where you are and our advice is to try to help you get out of the place that you are in. The sooner you can get out of that place (in your head). The sooner you can move on with your life and start living again.
C-Bart said: You have got to be very careful here. The only analogy I can give you is of someone sinking in quick sand. If you panic and try and pull him out you will get sucked down with him. Your are no good to anyone standing in the same hole. Go look for some sticks and ropes(self improvements) but for God's sakes stay away from the hole.
With H living with the ow can anyone one tell me why he still tries to control things in our lives (mine and adult children)or even thinks he has the right to?
I'm in the process of setting boundries with this, but am curious as to why he would even care when his intention is to give up ownership and responsibility to the property?
I am on FB. Don't do much with it and am pretty ignorant about it. Can someone explain alt and how to get there? Also know that H has a FB account, too. (I'm not on his friends list.) H is pretty computer savvy, wouldn't want him finding me there???
What I noticed with my H was that even though he wanted me to know nothing about him and what he was doing, he still wanted to know everything that I was doing. He even tried right after the bomb to get me to open a business.
If you read others threads, you will see that we know they snoop, do things to create discord, check cell phone records, etc…
Things that will make you ask the very question of why is he doing this if he doesn’t want to be in my life anymore. It is very common.
I believe it serves two purposes. It gives them a sense that they are still in control of something (because they definitely do not feel that way) and I think the snooping is a way to add keep adding fuel to their fire of anger at us. They seem to want to know but also figure (many of them) that we are doing something we should not be, just like they are. It is projection.
FB, see if you can create an account with your screen name here if you don’t want your H to find it. Use an alternate email address, join the DB fanpage, and people will find you. Then after you have some friends, you can set your security settings high if you need to.
The alt is just another word for FB. Means alternate universe. But you will find it very worth joining. Let us know and people will start looking.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
