She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

My wife and i have been married for 17 1/2 years. We have two beautiful daughters age 14 and 4. Last April my wife began to become distant towards me. In May she informed me that friends of our had told her they had noticed us treating each other different. We seemed to be more rude to one another and bickered more. She also told me that people were complaining about my sarcasm, and didn't want to be around me. She was very angry at me for this, and blamed me for our friends no longer wanting to come around. At first I was very defensive when she told me this, but I started to think about it and wanted to change my ways. I began working on myself, and even started going to counseling. However, she remained distant and in her shell unable to forgive me.

In June I was asked to deploy to Afghanistan. I asked my wife how she felt about this, and she thought it would be a good idea because it would give us time apart. I agreed to go on the deployment to give her space. Things were ok, but she was still in her shell. In August I left for training and everything seemed ok. I came back for two weeks in September, and she pretty much acted like I wasn't even there. In October I left for three more weeks of training. The previous two weeks weighed heavily on my mind, and we argued on the phone most of that time. Prior to leaving for Afghanistan I went home for a week. This week at home was fantastic. We did things together, wen't to lunch and dinner, movies, talked, and were intimate all week.

Then I left for Afghanistan. As you can imagine being away from your family is difficult. I missed them very much and called and expressed that often. I'm a very insecure person who leans on his wife allot for support. I had the capability to call her anytime I wanted to, but she requested I call Wednesday, and web cam on Sunday. At first this was very difficult to follow. She was still very supportive to me even when I called out of cycle. Eventually she would get angry when I called and would even ignore me if it wasn't on our agreed days.

Sometime in December I questioned the fact that she had stopped saying she loved me anymore. At that time she informed me of some frustrations and changes she wanted me to make, and that she would consider leaving me if I didn't make them. I immediately stared making changes. I began talking to the chaplain regularly, reading self help books, web sites, forums, you name it i did it. My years of negativity turned positive.

things were going really well. I was talking only positive things to her, and i was sticking to her phone arrangement. One Wednesday after our conversation she commented how nice of a conversation it was, so we talked for another hour. Sunday after we did web cam, she told me she had something to tell me, and she dropped the bomb. She acknowledged the positive changes i had made, but she said she was tired of trying for 17+ years.

I was absolutely devastated and blindsided. She also told me that she had gone to see an attorney in June about getting a divorce, and he told her she was undecided and needed to go home. I did everything she asked me to do, and yet she still decided she wants out. However she's agreed to marriage counseling when I return, but she doesn't want me living in the house while we do it because of the tension it may cause for the kids.

We have had a very good marriage, with flaws of course, but she never expressed the majority of the complaints she's coming up with now. She is a woman and has a great memory, so she's going back to the beginning and picking every negative thing I've done. I can't seem to do anything right in her mind right now, and unfortunately I'm 8000 miles away and can't do a thing.

My wife is a wonderful woman. I love her with all my heart. However she's always had the ability to be very nice or very cold. She's stubborn as all get out, and is unable to forgive. She harps on past issues, and will never let you live it down even after you think the issue is dead. she also said she let me go to Afghanistan to give her time to think, and because absence makes the heart grow fonder, but she doesn't miss me and she doesn't look forward to me coming home like she did after my last deployment.

I myself am very insecure and require allot of attention. I can totally understand her being tired. I've never been controlling, but my trust and jealousy issues have kept her from doing some of the things she wanted to do. Things i never knew about because she never told me. we have always been each others best friend and told each other everything. Now she says she's tired of me always using her as my crutch.

I'm trying to hang on to the strand of hope that she's willing to do counseling. I also hope that the reality of me being in Afghanistan in a war zone has helped do this to her. Hopefully once she sees me and can see the changes first hand, we'll be able to begin the marriage repair. Being over here and having to go through this is the absolute most difficult thing I've ever been through.

Sorry this has been such a long topic, but theres allot to share. I have more to add, but this is a good start. I still hope we can repair this. we still converse on Wednesday's and Sunday, but we don't really discuss the situation, except for where I'm going to stay when I get back.