The circumstances of my getting together with H 17 years ago were really messy. I had to extricate myself from a live-in R, and H, my BF at the time, was entangled as well. About a month before we consummated, H's brother died an accidental death and that hurtled H into a time of confusion and indirectly expressed grief. H and I had a real connection and we lived in cities separated by 1000s of km.
Soon after our R started, H got involved with the wife of a close friend of his, a R which was very messy, dramatic, and resulted in the end of their M. It was an open R, so the OW and I knew about one another, but never met. H and I would have torrid visits together, then we'd be back to emailing and phoning. I had some casual affairs but nothing serious. It was a painful time. I was very jealous of the OW.
Anyway, after almost 2 years, I moved to H's city and things came to a head. He had to pick between the OW and me (an ultimatum that the OW gave him), and he picked me and agreed to be monogamous.
Throughout that whole time, I had this deep gut feeling that H and I were meant to be together and that it was worth the heartache that I was going through. I guess to some it would appear that I was lacking in self-respect during that time. But I didn't see it that way. I knew what I wanted and I gave him to space to do what he had to do so that he could come to me of his own free will. I didn't follow all of the DB rules, but I followed some of them.
It scares me a bit, thinking of how long I was willing to wait for him before we were even married or had children or any kind of shared life. OTOH, it's not like I spent all my time pining. My life was rich with studies, friends, flirtations, etc.
That all seems like a million years ago, yet my feelings now seem to parallel how I felt then. I was torn between wanting to share my life with him sooo much, but also having to accept his process and accept that the only possibility of being together required me to be very patient. I had to accept that I had no control over his choices. The grass was definitely greener with the OW, but the drama got old and I think he saw the mother of his children in me. No guarantees that he'd pick me again though, given all the baggage that we are now saddled with.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
