The tough thing tonight was that I had had a beer (I'm the world's cheapest drunk) and when I came home my inhibitions were lower than usual and I came so close to just sitting down beside him and giving him a huge kiss. I wonder what would have happened. I know I shouldn't take the risk, but OTOH, I wish I had taken more risks before the S when it came to loving H up.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
While it didn't last (yet?), physical touch led me to getting emotionally closer to my W. If the kiss ends off happening one day, maybe consider it a good risk. Isn't getting close just as much of a risk as getting apart?
The circumstances of my getting together with H 17 years ago were really messy. I had to extricate myself from a live-in R, and H, my BF at the time, was entangled as well. About a month before we consummated, H's brother died an accidental death and that hurtled H into a time of confusion and indirectly expressed grief. H and I had a real connection and we lived in cities separated by 1000s of km.
Soon after our R started, H got involved with the wife of a close friend of his, a R which was very messy, dramatic, and resulted in the end of their M. It was an open R, so the OW and I knew about one another, but never met. H and I would have torrid visits together, then we'd be back to emailing and phoning. I had some casual affairs but nothing serious. It was a painful time. I was very jealous of the OW.
Anyway, after almost 2 years, I moved to H's city and things came to a head. He had to pick between the OW and me (an ultimatum that the OW gave him), and he picked me and agreed to be monogamous.
Throughout that whole time, I had this deep gut feeling that H and I were meant to be together and that it was worth the heartache that I was going through. I guess to some it would appear that I was lacking in self-respect during that time. But I didn't see it that way. I knew what I wanted and I gave him to space to do what he had to do so that he could come to me of his own free will. I didn't follow all of the DB rules, but I followed some of them.
It scares me a bit, thinking of how long I was willing to wait for him before we were even married or had children or any kind of shared life. OTOH, it's not like I spent all my time pining. My life was rich with studies, friends, flirtations, etc.
That all seems like a million years ago, yet my feelings now seem to parallel how I felt then. I was torn between wanting to share my life with him sooo much, but also having to accept his process and accept that the only possibility of being together required me to be very patient. I had to accept that I had no control over his choices. The grass was definitely greener with the OW, but the drama got old and I think he saw the mother of his children in me. No guarantees that he'd pick me again though, given all the baggage that we are now saddled with.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Do you think having him live apart from you has helped him value, respect, or need you more?
I doubt it. But his thoughts are completely opaque to me.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm now reading "Imperfect Harmony: How to say married for the sake of your children and still be happy".
One thing it deals with is the idea that our responses to our S can be a part of who we've become (ie affairs, etc).
It makes me wonder why he sees you as a good mother, but wants to get into so many affairs. Is it possible that he thinks it is normal or expected of him? It does NOT excuse that kind of behaviour, but I'm just thinking 'out loud' by typing~
OTMT, as far as I know, H has never been in an affair during our 10 year M.
Interesting about that book...H ordered it on the same day that he dropped the bomb on me about how hopeless he felt about our M (dec 22, 2009). At that point I really don't think that he had a plan to separate from me. I think I accelerated that happening by my desperation/pursuing .
Last edited by flowmom; 02/12/1006:39 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I mentioned to my IC that one key initial concept was that you need to grieve over the 'hoped for marriage'
There have been concepts like that I pick and choose from. The whole concept of only staying for kids doesn't jive with me. Still, I found the book to have many points about why a D isn't the best solution to many issues.
My W said I can have space, but never lock the door. To me, space is freedom to restrict one's self, not restrictions imposed by others. Maybe he left thinking that space couldn't happen while still living at home. I REALLY want to move out - but I just can't imagine it will help me do anything but move further apart from my W. If only we could get our spouses DB!
S6 wondered aloud to me if H would sleep in our home on S6's birthday (in October). A couple of days ago, he said "I feel sad every day...like there's something missing in my life". He rarely verbally expresses his feelings.
D3 just hasn't been herself since the S. There are a lot more meltdown and sulks. When she is upset, she doesn't let anyone comfort her.
It's horrifying to not be able to protect them from this pain, this rending apart of the fabric of their family life.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
He's planning all this with his family because he's lonely and maybe because all the getting on with your life divorce books amnd articles suggest surrounding yourself with friends and family to distract yourself from pain during separation.
He will likely not notice your GAL until there's more of it and for at least a month. He is very caught up in his own GAL right now.
I know what you mean about the phase where they start to talk to you like it's some big concession or favor. Quite irritating. Later I found out from H that some of that was extreme pain behavior (anger, sadness, guilt).
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