how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

i should be the one to initiate any separation agreement.

Do you remember how you felt when you thought the separation agreement was in the works? Do you think it will help you meet your goals by doing that to him? He might deserve it, but will it help?

I began D mediation in Nov., but we only met the mediator once. After that, we both decided to cool things down until we were more sure. I thought it would help her see that I was serious about moving together or moving on. It did. It didn't help much, but it did help.

Your H has already moved away, but then come back through the blizzard to profess his care for you. That isn't a promise, but it is hope. What would a separation agreement, or even talking about meeting a lawyer, mean to him? What would it mean to you? It never hurts to get advice, but some actions can't be undone. Reading your posts, but not being in your shoes, I feel that he is beginning to see a future with you again. Do you think that is correct? If so, and you want that future with him, perhaps set boundaries where needed - a lawyer isn't needed for that.

I'm starting to realize how my own past has added to my ADHD insecurities. When my W began talking about 'please move away for a month, but I might not want you when you return', I noticed real resentment. Does she want me or not? Is she helping me understand myself and giving me space to figure out my confusions or not? Do you think your H is insecure? If so, was he always this way?

Remember, you believed your mom is part of the problem - you might want to ignore her advice. She doesn't seem to like your H, maybe you shouldn't either (I don't know), but you seem to love him deeply.

Regardless of what you decide, make sure you make this decision to better your understanding of yourself and toward meeting your goals.