Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

Long day at work today. Super slammed. A billion other things keep coming up at work so I can't get to tax financial prep and am completely behind. Blah. But enough about work. H texts me tonight to say that he got Sunday off. Yay! I asked him if he had any particular plans for it. He said he wanted to go back to the place we went on New Years. I'm excited for a second chance with this b/c I was so sick on New Years and S was so sick, that I just want to do this better this time. I had saw a deal on that place and asked if his "connections" could get a better deal than that. He said no so had me book the room. I am really excited. I have not slept in (6:00 with S everyday!) since S was born (I even got called home early on my one chance on New Years). I'll miss S but the chance for sleep sounds soooooo wonderful! So that's all good and I'll take it for what it is. Unfortunately, it still feels all really fake (like even our "date" on Monday). I'm constantly having to bite my tongue and act loving even when I think he's being such an idiot. For example, last night when I went to pick up S, H was still there to see me (Yay!). I invited him over to have dinner/watch TV with us. He said that no, he didn't feel like sitting around watching tv and instead was going to go out with his friend. I just said ok and let it go, but inside I'm fuming b/c I know it's going to be another drunk night! Ug, doesn't he understand he's killing himself.

So one last thing to update on. H saw the pyschiatrist yesterday. From what H told me, he said he's now at a 7 out a 10 on the ADD skill (severe) but is not going to prescribe meds at this point b/c he believes by getting the sleep apnea surgery that will bring him down to a 3 or 4. As H said, the sleep apnea keeps depriving his brain of oxygen and is slowly killing him. Crazy! But has he made the appointment yet? NO! Ug, so frustrating. Just do it already and save your life and hopefully ours too! His ADD causes him to say very hurtful things to me (causing conflict fulfils their constant need for adreneline) and I don't know how much longer I can continue to let it all 'roll off my back'.

Overall I am very happy with the progress we are making but I am still very cautious. I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It still all seems impossible. I still don't see how H can ever become the husband and father I need him to be. I don't see how it can happen without me being the only one to compromise (with things that are unacceptable with compromising on - drinking/boundaries with OW's) as H seems pretty dead set in his ways. But trying to just continue to take one day at a time though and see what happens. If I can enjoy the ride along the way somewhat (like with V-day), no matter how fake it is, I'll take that small joy. Still alot going on in my head...