I am both flattered and comforted by the posts and your comments on my situation.
I will respond to some individually too.
Bottom line, this string represents what is going on in my head pretty much.
Well, quick update though H is not back from vacation.
I met with our couples counselor today (H would not be opposed) because of this situation. She did not know of the extend of the OW involvement in his life (such as tucking my son in etc.). Probably DBing too well there. The counselor was very confused because she thought we had both committed to working on the relationship (even left counseling because we were doing so well) and H has been so wonderful about time together and our "Date Nights" etc.. (H not dedicating any time to be together was a huge problem before, so again, this is fantastic progress.)
She agreed that there is no way you can rebuild a marriage with 3 people involved, and agreed that YES she is involved even if "just a friend". (She mentioned Shirly Glass and yes I have read the book.)
I told her I feel very confused and like I have hit a wall because I find it impossible to "get closer" in terms of rebuilding a marriage with H with this OW in the situation. This seems different than just doing hard stuff. It has been hard to ignore her involvement with my H for 3 years - but I did it. It has been hard to forgive my husband but I did it. It has been difficult to fully embrace my weaknesses and mistakes - but I did it.
This just does not feel like a challenge anymore, I feel exhausted. I feel this is impossible and it is very sad but feel at peace too. I am so sick of looking like a fool, feeling like she kisses my ass and H hiding her from me. I do feel less like a mistress now (H telling me not to text him because "people" might see it etc.) Her previous episodes of jealosy if H brought me a tea or something OW: "he didn't bring me anything??"....Everything just feels so wrong. I just feel disrespected and walked on now and don't want to tolerate it anymore. Not putting my foot down goes very much against my nature but I know I needed to do it for a while in order to get on better ground first.
The funny thing is whenever I take these really bold moves with H he seems to respond well. Respects me more? - Can anyone lend an opinion on that one???
Here is kinda the timeline of the past 3 weeks. 3 weeks ago - H wants things to work out between us if things keep going as they have, I bring up the fact that people are asking me if H is living with OW, he acknowledges that he needs to put distance there for us to work but he doesn't want to hurt her, says I can date other people. 2 weeks ago - H talks about moving and future houses to live in together (I did not bring it up) 1 week ago - H leaves on vacation with my son and OW (not sure if actually traveling together but v. possible) to visit his family. OW has conveniently becomes best friends with his sister (mutual friends and interests there, dance, shoes, handbags etc).
What I am doing is working in terms of shutting up and just having a great time with H (not dating but having a great time in life) - It is just a glacial pace. The fact that he acknowldged that space needs to be there for us to work is great. (Of course then going on vacation together is NOT great.)
I want to continue to be intimate wtih him but it so hard because I know OW has a promiscous history. I have a friend who lost their mother due to contracted disease from a spouse's infidelity so this hits a big nerve with me. While I was always okay to date more than one guy at a time, I only had sex in a monogamus relationship. I am told that sex is a powerful relationship building tool and believe me I LOVE sex but I am starting to feel weird about my own morals here because of this OW.
Okay, I am heading to bed because I barely make sense of all this when I am fully awake.
Does it come down to stating the options 1. Work on relationship = no OW 2. NO work on relationship = Divorce?
...or do I fidn the power from somewhere to give it more time??
Thank you all. I look forward to re-reading your posts.
so this hits a big nerve with me. While I was always okay to date more than one guy at a time, I only had sex in a monogamus relationship. I am told that sex is a powerful relationship building tool and believe me I LOVE sex but I am starting to feel weird about my own morals here because of this OW. 