Question

[awest1217]

So I have a 2 hour delay...and H has off. He text me to say he has off, but not once did he offer to take S for the day so S doesn't have to go to daycare. He has an awesome opportunity to hangout with S all day, but he would rather stay at home, sleep in, and probably hang out with OW. I am not going to do well with this, especially given the new circumstances. He isn't going to decide to come home at the last minute and spend the next month with her.

Now I know right now I am assuming, but he is so selfish and hasn't changed one bit in a year.

[awest1217]

Ok so the last post I was ranting. I had to call my mom because she also works in the same school district as H and has off. S is really fussy and not feeling well. He has had a raspy voice since Saturday, and now has a nasty cough with drainage. I was going to take him to daycare, but with him being so fussy and not really wanting to eat much, I figured it would be better to be with grandma who will spoil him and give him the attention he needs today. Going to take him to the doctor after work. H said he wants to come with us so that is nice, and I am figuring S will need some type of medicine so while we are waiting for that, we will go grocery shopping because I have minimal in the house.

I know I need to watch my anger, but some things are starting to boil up. I feel like H wants my sympathy with his situation and I am tired of giving it. I understand he has to say good bye to his "best friend", but I have been without mine for a year. I am the one he cheated on. I am the one who will get hurt when he chooses to slip up. I have been reading a few other sitches on here, and if he really wants to make us work, he should be the one saying he will give up OW. He should be offering, not making excuses as to why he might slip up and scared to come home. IT is a thing of will power. He didn't talk to me for three weeks straight. NO CONTACT AT ALL! Why can't he do the same with her. I am the one who has been through everything with him, not her. I have our S not her. Why can't he just give her up and really focus on us. I understand the being sad about losing a friend, but if this is what is best for us and he has kept saying since October "I don't want a divorce", then why not do everything possible to make us work. I love the i love yous and him actually kissing me (only one time, who knows if that will continue), but what about the real issue here. I am so tired of being the only one in this R. I am tired of having to support him, when I am the one who got hurt. I am tired of holding this relationship together when he isn't willing to change and let go of the only thing I have asked this whole time. I know I need to calm down, but with there now being a deadline, I feel like we have to work a lot fo this out now. As I said above, I don't want him to think he is going to come home and just magically stop talking to her and us be ok. He needs to stop now so when he comes home I am not going crazy. And another thing...since he is the one who has lied and cheated, why am I the one sacrificing and giving him more privacy. Why can't he actually be open with everything with me?

I know that all sounded harsh, and very selfish. I just need to get that out because I don't want to hold a grudge. Things I have changed about myself that I don't want to have come back with H coming back are...controlling my emotions, being more loving, leaving housework adn other chores for later when being with H or S is more important, not being controlling to H, not nagging, being more thankful and grateful, and LISTENING (which H has complimented me on the most).

I know this doesn't sound at all like I have the last few weeks. I think I am just overwhelmed because H doesn't seem excited to come home, and the way he sounded when he told me is like man that is soon. It is, but was he at all thinking "I want to be home before our 1 year mark" which is one week later? I mean did he have any plan for leaving or just going by his feelings. Was he just planning on playing us both for forever? Who knows know...all I know is that in a month or sooner a lot has to happen. Scary, but exciting.

[Lucky11too]

The S issue to definitely going to be tricky. My S is only 17 months and we are already having the issue of him being protective of me. He'll hit at H everytime he touches me. But it's just really too bad H didn't take advantage of his day off to spend some time with S today. He needs to get reaquainted with S and needs to take the time to do that.

You know there's really no comforting words I can give on this, because, yes, it does totally suck. I get so mad too b/c of all H has put me thru and then for me to still work my butt off to save our M. But the truth is that it's not fair. We have to do way more then our share and give, give, give, all the while hanging on the the HOPE that things will change for the better. But it goes back to the fact that we are the kind, loving, good people that we are, and at the end of the day, we will know we did everything we could to save are M's. I can live with mywself with that.

That much being said, while we are working on saving our M, doesn't mean we have to be door mats either. You are completely valid in setting boundaries regarding OW. Especially now that you're on a time limit, this is even more important. Maybe just try feeling him out on MC, so you can kind of get an idea of where his heart is at. This is just so difficult b/c you have the fine line of setting appropriate boundaries (which you are completely entitled to) but not coming off as pushy or controlling. Just try to keep the communication going with him and when you feel angry and frustrated, come vent here. Although he may deserve some of your anger for continuing to act like an idiot, it's not helpful and just makes them defensive. Hopefully the dr appt and grocery run goes well with H today. Just try to keep your cool and explore subjects as they come up. Good luck!

[awest1217]

Thanks Lucky. On S, he has strep and a little touch of bronchitis. His 2nd dose of antibiotic tomorrow so hopefully he will feel better tomorrow. Also S asked something about where Daddy went so I said "where you do think he went?" He said "daddy went to his house. Daddy doesn't live with us." I took this opportunity to feel him out. I asked "do you want daddy to live with us all the time?" He said "No". So I asked "where do you want daddy to live?". S said " daddy will live at his house with insert OW name here." Can you believe it? He says he wants daddy to live somewhere else and thinks he always lives with OW. At the beginning of the separation when H was living with OW, is the only time I told him H was there. Crazy what he remembers. Kind of scary if he tells H that.

Next on to our time together. Overall it was ok. H helped a lot and that was nice. It started poorly though and I had to hold my tongue the whole way to the doctor's office. H gets in and I asked how his day was. He started ranting about how it is so unfair that the owners found someone to rent the house when they settled on an amount to rent. He had just told me 2 weeks ago he told the owners to find renters if they needed to. He just kept ranting about how this isn't fair. Not once did he say anything about coming home or any excitement about coming home. Just mad about having to move and rent a truck. How it just all wasn't fair for him. I held my tongue, but the whole night I was quiet and sighed a lot because I just don't know why I bother. Yeah he helps, yeah he offered to stay home with S tomorrow, yeah he said I love you and gave me a kiss when he left, but when it comes down to it...he doesn't want to give up OW and didn't have coming home even in his radar.

I don't know where to go from here. Nothing is happening with us this weekend. He wants to hang out all day Saturday, but that is it. He has off Sunday and Monday, but hasn't said anything about moving stuff back or even hanging out more. Nothing about V-day plans. He left early tonight because "his head was full" and he wanted to go home to feel better. He had asked to take us out to dinner, but we didn't finish the doc and grocery shopping until 6:30, but he did seem really eager to leave. He didn't even help put stuff away which he normally would. I don't know, but I am feeling I am going to have to say no go, which will be hard to do, but that is just the sense I am getting right now.

He can't do nothing and expect to come home. There is still this weekend...maybe he has some plans, but I doubt it. Oh well...at least in one month I will have a direction to what will happen and can move on one way or another.

[awest1217]

S is feeling better, but I didn't sleep much because he kept making noises like he was going to throw up and since he took his medicine, but didn't really eat anything (plus drainage), I thought it was completely possible so I kept waking up to just watch him. He was very happy to be in my bed again. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he has become the little man of the house. This is very similar to a single mom who starts dating. He is going to be protective because he doesn't remember H ever living at home. So Sad His comment last night still makes me hurt for him because all he remembers is H being gone and being with OW, not the H that would wake up and rock him back to sleep or hold him while he was crying and crying the first few weeks. He doesn't remember any of it.

I text H when S was sounding sick and he said if S threw up he would come and help in a heart beat. This morning he text to see how S was doing and said he would come over if I needed help. I am just at such a place where I don't even want to see him. I don't know what to do. I definitely need some advice. I don't know if I just have this hard shell on since the huge blow up right after new year so I am just hiding my feelings for him way down so I don't get hurt, or if those feelings are gone. He is being nice, but the OW thing is just making everything worse. He is so secretive. I think I might start an e-mail to him about how I am feeling. I want to talk to him in person, but he does better when he has time to think so I might let him know after this weekend to expect an e-mail from me. I don't know when he is expecting to move back in or anything, and if he really wants us to work where is the romantice sentimental stuff because it is V-day weekend and we both have at least three days off. He won't even let me stop by his work tomorrow to do lunch together. Any suggestions? I definitely need advice.

[Kalni]

awest,
he is not clear yet in his head. No matter what he says and does, he is still in a fog. It takes time to get the OW out of his system. You have GOT to be patient. You are both so young, you have your life ahead of you, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, please keep your expectations in check right now. I get the feeling he is thinking of coming home but he is not "done done" yet with her in his head, dont push him away now, attract him to you. By being confident, strong, fun, let your best in you shine.
I know you are frustrated, I have been there, I AM there still. I think you have a good chance to reconcile, as we say in Greek, you ate the donkey, dont stop at its tail, meaning, you have come a long way, dont explode, become overly emotional, impatient now. Hang on...
K

[awest1217]

Thanks K, but I don't want him to come home with her still being in the picture. To me that is not an option. I understand the phrase and maybe I am just being stupid, but I am so sick and tired of taking the high road while he goes out and does whatever he wants with her. Then he expects me to sit around and just wait on him. I am really not ok with that anymore. I know I am still young, but I am not going to waste another year waiting on him to decide to stop seeing OW, or having OW. This has been 10 years of this, not just one. I just feel like we are back to exactly where we were before the separation. We will be a loving couple and family, but underneath it all H is cheating on me and not completely committed. I don't want that life anymore.

I know I need to calm down, but I get more and more emotional thinking about it because I am so tired of it all. I am so sick of sharing my husband with some girl for whatever reason. It killed my self-esteem and I don't ever want that to happen to me again. I lost who I was because all I did was try to be the girl he wanted, which still doesn't make him happy. If we are going to live separate lives, then why not be separate. I just don't know right now which is why I need advice and probably a smack on the hand. I just want to not see him. Today I was thinking, I just don't want to see him at all, talk to him, or anything, but if I do that he will ask why and then it will just put a damper on everything, but I am tired of being lied to and tired of living a lie.

Let's see. H text me after work and said something about going to see a movie he wants to see sometime. I really don't want to go because for some reason I get a headache almost migraine whenever I go, but if I don't go with him, he will take OW so I am going to go. He started to talk about the weekend and spending saturday together, which could mean all day or just dinner (I still don't know). I asked if he had plans Sunday. He said he didn't have plans. He then went on to say some other things and I said to clarify "are we going to do anything together Sunday or Monday?" I wanted to make sure he understood I was not meaning in general but specific, and he said he "forgot" he had off Monday and Sunday is valentine's day so we could do something if I wanted to be his valentine. I said I would love to be his valentine (honestly a flat out lie) and then he asked if he should just make dinner on Sunday since everything would be packed. I responded we don't need to do anything special. He said ok and we went on with our conversation.

I also got on H's AIM and there was a message from OW saying hi...I know I need to stop doing that, but I am need to know the truth. I am just so tired of lies, OW, pretty much H in general. He rarely does anything to surprise me. I just feel like if he wants to move back into my house in a month and be a family, then he needs to shape up or ship out. Maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe I am just frustrated. I hate the way he makes me feel. Over Christmas, I actually felt loved and really enjoyed myself. I started to fall romantically back in love with him, but the blow up killed that part. I don't know if I am just protecting myself, hurt so bad that I can't feel, super angry...I don't know, but lately I honestly do not at all look forward to seeing H or texting him. He never calls or answers the phone so that is not a problem. I feel like everything from him is so fake. He is trying, but all that he is doing right now he did while we were married, engaged, dating, and he still had OW. I need transparency. I need to know I can begin to trust him. With his ranting yesterday, and today me feeling like I ruined his plans. I just don't know. It may also be the fact that last year on V-day H and I spent no time together, partially my fault and partially his. My sister-in-law wanted her baby shower then and I planned it. It was in the morning and done by noon. I called H to pick-up S from the party (a lot of family was there so had H with me so they could see him). He said he couldn't be there for a little bit. We live 2 minutes from where the party was. I asked why and he wouldn't tell me. Later during our fight, he said he was at OW's house "dropping off the dinner he made for her and her H". Yeah Right! He didn't make me anything. He planned nothing, but he made her dinner. As you can tell, that still cuts deep, and I just feel like nothing has changed at all. I have church until 1 so he could still see OW and then see me later, but won't do anything. I would like for him to, and I know I should tell him that because he can't read minds, but I am so tired.

I am trying to be strong and patient, but with this 1 month deadline looming, I just am scared I will be the one to have to compromise because he won't be transparent with me. I don't know why I am being so insecure today. I read back and see what he says, but we still only see him twice a week, and we talk after work. Just like before. He can do whatever he wants after work and I would never know. He can talk to OW as much as he wants and I will never know and if I try to find out, he gets a text saying I got on. I know I should live my life, and him his, which I was doing, but now I can't. H is coming home in a month....and he hasn't changed one bit. Those of you who have kept at this for years, I applaud you, but I am not one of them. I have been dealing with this all through dating, engagement, and now marriage. It is time for him to grow up.

A lot of ranting...I know, but as Lucky said, it is better to rant here then to him. To him, I am trying to let my best me shine as K said so maybe I can keep attracting him to just me. I am just scared it was never enough before when we first started dating before I lost my self-respect, why will now be different?

Thanks to anyone who comments or actually reads this because I am at a loss right now and probably need some 2x4's from those who have been here and advice so I can make it farther.

[awest1217]

Well, I figured out tonight what my deal is, which I am sure the rest of you already did. I am scared. I am scared to open up one more time to just get hurt again. It has happened so many times and recently too many times in a row that I just don't know if I can get myself to open up. I know that love can't come without a risk, but when you have been burned sooo many times, you learn not to touch the stove. I have been hurt so many times that I don't know if I can talk myself into opening up to him again. It doesn't help that H said "I want to come home, but I am scared I will hurt you again or still". There is absolutely no reassurance at all in that sentence. Then the ranting. I just don't have it in me to go another round just to get hurt again, especially since he is not doing anything on the OW front. They are still talking, I would be still seeing each other, and he sees absolutely nothing wrong with that.

So the question is...do I risk getting hurt again and let him come home believing he will keep his end of the bargain, or just turn around and say enough is enough? Not sure and not really sure how to go about finding the answer.

[awest1217]

Let me clarify. I don't think scared is the best word. Terrified is.

[ClingingToHope]

Here's a smaaaaallll boost for you. At least if you opened up, there is some hope that he would respond.

I know there's nothing left in my W's cold heart for me. I'm not sure which is worse. I think it all sucks.