Scared and need advice

[LookingFrAnswers]

I subscribe to the DB newsletter & got this today in my inbox. Advice from MWD as we begin the bombardment of VD advertising!

Valentine's Day For the Broken Hearted

Romantic dinners at candlelit restaurants, Godiva chocolates, two dozen long-stem roses, sentimental Hallmark cards- the stuff Valentine's Day is made of.

But what if your relationship is on the rocks and Valentine's Day is just another painful reminder that your life isn't what you hoped it would be? Then what do you do? I know, this isn't exactly an uplifting topic, but the truth is, the vast majority of people in my practice are not exactly big Valentine's Day enthusiasts. My practice generally consists of one spouse who desperately wants out of the marriage and the other who wants nothing more than to live happily ever after. So, February 14th often means hurt, confusion and loneliness. And I would venture a guess that there are many, many non-clinical couples who, though not on the brink of divorce, feel an emotional distance that has them wishing Valentine's Day would just pass without fanfare.

So, what can you do if a romantic dinner and words of affirmation are not on the agenda for you this year? First, have a plan regarding how you will approach the day. Get some feedback from friends, family or a therapist regarding questions like, "Should I buy my wife a card or get her a gift when I know she is pulling away?" "Would it be a good idea to simply ignore the day or would my spouse take offence?" "I would love to plan a romantic dinner but I don't know if my husband would feel too pressured." "We're separated. Should I even email or text my wife?"

Next, if you're not going to be with the one you love, plan something nice for yourself.

When I asked people on my Facebook page about what they could do to avoid throwing a pity party on Valentine's Day, here's what some had to say:

"On my own without kids, I would have a nice hot bubble bath with a good book. Perhaps go for a walk and maybe call my mom or dad and say I love you."

"With kids, make it about them. Bake cookies and decorate them and if there is snow outside go sliding or have a snow ball fight."

"I'll get a pedicure, massage, fashion magazine and a bubble bath, single girls day out, good book and hot tea."

"Even in a relationship, I get myself something nice for V-day. That reminds me to love myself. A gym membership, a manicure/pedicure, a cashmere sweater. Just something nice for me."

And I like this one the most-

"How about doing something loving for someone else who may not have anyone with whom to share the day? Bring lotion to a nursing home and give hand massages? Take a widow to lunch? Sometimes shifting my focus helps when I'm poised to throw myself a pity party."

So, while those of us who are fortunate enough to be with spouses who share our desire to celebrate our connection, years together, children, and history, we should be mindful of those who, for this year, at least, have missed Cupid's arrow.

If you are someone who isn't quite enamored with Valentine's Day this year, you might get some help to improve things when you speak to a Divorce Busting coach. Even if you are unmarried but your relationship is rocky, your coach can give you very specific suggestions to turn things around. In the mean time, know that when February 14th comes rolling around, MY heart will go out to you!
Call 800-664-2435 for information or click here to schedule an appointment with your coach

Also, if you and your reluctant spouse want to meet with me for a life-changing experience - a one or two-day intensive in beautiful Boulder, Colorado, call 800-664-2435 for information. This could be the stone you have yet to unturn!!

Michele

[pearlharbr]

LFA,

Glad to hear you had a nice weekend full of GAL!

Remember taking care of business is loving yourself--you respect yourself enough to be responsible. It may be painful but lots of things good for us are painful (see Kara's recent posts about the gym!).

So what do you have planned for V-day? Make it good and fun!

[avermont]

Valentine's shmalintine's

Yeah, it's going to hurt. But can it hurt any more than anniversary; Halloween, both of our birthdays, Xmas, NYE, Groundhog's day (sorry, we tend towards the pagan!) that I--and all of us--have already survived through?

I'll buy my own self some roses, and I don't like chocolate anyhow!

I have a ski date lined up for the day, and a potluck with friends in the evening. Yes, it is the friends who are all couples, so it will be hard, but I am the half of the X couple who is invited--not X.

Get through V-day, and hopefully it is smooth sailing for a few months---what else does Hallmark have in store for us?

[pearlharbr]

And that ^^^ is the way it's done LFA!

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Pearl, Aver,
Love it! Yes, I was never big into VD, & it can't be worse than all those annoying holidays we've already been through!! I thought it might be helpful but Aver I like your advice better! Hey, I don't like chocolate either! That's a real rarity. Parallel universe??

Aver, you go! At least your couple friends are smart enough to know which 1/2 to invite.

Pearl, I dont' have any plans for VD but intend to ignore the holiday. Being on a Sunday that shouldn't be hard to do. I like what you said about taking care of business is taking care of me. And thanks for your input this week. It's always a great help.

I have not heard back from H. He's gone dark on me. This has been the pattern, NC on my end seems to cause less C from him. I can't worry about that though. I have an appt. w L next week to go over all my issues with the S agrmt. Could be a long meeting! H will probably not be happy to get those edits! Also, I am sending him the following email, input welcome:

"Hi,
For the taxes, I can send you my 1099 for work in the mail & school form electronically. I would like to see the return before you file it. Also, can you please send me a copy of the 2008 return?

Have you stopped the AT&T automatic payment or any other payments on the credit card? We need to freeze that.

I am going to start having 1/2 of my paycheck deposited into the USAA joint checking by X date, and the other 1/2 into my own checking. We should only use that account for paying the mortgage, utilities, and insurance. There are some utility bills that need to be paid soon, the gas and electric bill. Each is around $200."

Do you mind giving me feedback? Sound to the point enough?

Also, I made an appt. to look at a 1/2 house last Sunday. It wasn't bad but reeked of cig smoke - a deal-breaker. Also hearing the TV of the upstairs tenant gave me bad flashbacks of my single apt. living days. Oh well, it was my first one. Lots more houses for rent in the city where I want to be. Baby steps. Just like Aver, getting her boxes. I'll keep on looking.

Thanks again to you both for your support! ((((hugs)))) PH & Aver! You're the best!

[avermont]

Hi LFA-

Sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner. Maybe over-GAL'ing it a bit?

Weird--you don't like chocolate either??

I think your email about the finances is just fine. It is straight and to the point. But you have probably already gotten good advice and moved on with it already.

Sorry the first house you looked at brings out all that UG! I have to go thru this again!

I hope you have better luck with the next ones.

Unfortunately for me, there really weren't any houses that fit my cost/fixer-upper criteria in the town I was looking at.

Options, options.

Hope you are doing well--trying to catch up on posts and threads, but may not be able to until tomorrow night!

[LookingFrAnswers]

Aver,
Over GALing? Impossible!! Keep on doing that, don't worry about me.

Thanks for your input. Yes, I need to look at more houses. It's weird being the tenant, after being the landlord. I was surprised that couple didnt' do something about the smell before showing it. Anyhoo, am also considering asking my brother if I can move in w him for a few mos. while I pay down the credit card debt. I see L next week, and she thinks I should try to live somewhere rent free if possible since of I owe 1/2 the mortgage til H buys me out.

I'll stop over to your thread & get the latest on Aver's world. Hope you are doing OK this week! ((((hugs))))

[kara]

(((LFA))))

Hiya

I think living rent free is a great idea if you and your brother can get along in close proximity to each other

It makes sense to get the cc debt off your back.

[avermont]

Yes, housing and renting--gack.

I just totally brought myself down looking at real estate listings in my town.

Houses I can afford need so much work! and I'm sorry, Pearl and Talia, I don't want to rip up carpet, sand floors, replace drop tile ceilings, etc. A) I did all that already B) it doesn't interest me that much C) so much of my work work is already doing things sorta like that!

I guess that's a whine, whine though. LFA is going thru the apt. hunting, which is just as bad.

If you can live with your bro for awhile to save $, that's great.

It will also give you a intermediate step between moves, which might be good. Time to find the right house for you.

[avermont]

I think LFA should come live with me.

I'm afraid it would incur rental costs, but the cost "includes all!" plus a really great roomie.