I, of course, was hoping for a magic wand. But C said EMDR is best for older traumas; mine was too new for this process.
Fine, talk therapy, some visualizations (put all those bad feelings in this box) (I hate visualizations), some EMDR on positive stuff: think of all the people I have who are supporting me; concentrate on focusing on work, etc.
OK.
Early on, when I found out X had moved just one town over, I was crying over how hard it would be to see them in town, for example at restaurant W.
C says: "tell X he can't go to W! Tell him he can't go there for a year!"
Ummm...me and what army are going to control his movements? Even that early on, I learned from all of YOU that I can't control what someone else does, only how I RESPOND to what they do.
Tuesday: I ask for help with my brain. Working on my thoughts, controlling them, re-directing them, cognitive behavior stuff, right? all this in relation to my upsetness about the house.
I say: how about we work on "I can accept her moving into my house?" C: OK! We'll work on that: I can let them have the house!
Umm...."let" is not the operative word here. ACCEPT is.
C: (seeing that I am upset, also VERY clock-watching) OK--how about we do the visualization of all the people who are on your side?
Me: We've done that! I know I have a great support system! That's not the problem right now! (increasingly cranky and childish)
Talking more about the house...
C: He OUGHT to feel ashamed! He OUGHT to let you have the house!
Ummm... and I OUGHT to win the lottery and be chosen the next American Top Model.
C: What if you wrote him: X, I am in so much pain. This house sitch is horribly distressing. I hope you can understand that I need time, blah blah, pain, sorrow, blah.
Ummm.... I know she's not a DB therapist, and maybe someone who hadn't read DB stuff would think: what a great idea! Throw myself on his mercy! But let's remember this is the guy who hasn't demonstrated any compassion since Bomb Day, right?
This C is also the one who supported my idea of asking friends for an intervention, which all of you and all my friends nay-sayed. Even though they are totally on my side and would go to bat for me, they all thought it would be useless if not counterproductive.
So--a C who says: I can tell X what to do and not do; uses OUGHT for someone else's behavior.
What say you all, wise ones? time to switch it up?
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Ummmm....Donald Trump says it best...you could send her a youtube message that says "YOU'RE FIRED!"
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
OMG, she sounds terrible!!! Do not hesitate, get someone better. Pay more money and feel better because it will cost you the same or less in the end. I'm into a lot of "alternative" stuff, but alternative stuff can attract really flakey ungrounded people who want short-cuts to "helping people", which actually requires a huge amount of skill. IMO you should look for someone who has the referral of someone who you respect. MW-D was good enough for me . I feel really good about being in C right now, after being worried about wasting my time and money. A bad C is worse than none at all -- some don't get that.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
EMDR is a form of therapy that has been shown to be very useful with PTSD. It sounds totally flaky, but the research is there.
I think I will call the first therapist I went to on day one, and see if she has an opening. I really liked her.
I just want help re-orienting my brain. Is that too much to ask?
Wow..."he ought to feel bad." Yeah, and he "ought" not to have had the affair in the first place, and all of you and me could be spared all this ridiculous BS.
Sigh.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
I just found a Buddhist-mindfullness-CBT-and EMDR therapist local. Where was she 4 months ago??
I will meet with her next Tuesday, just as a prelim meeting. Then she is going on vacation until APRIL--aaahh!
But, I can go see C #1 in the meantime. She was very soothing to talk to; didn't watch the clock; took my statements and turned them around for me to look at from a different perspective.
But the bartender trick will work for those after-work therapy sessions!
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Just finished the exercise of writing out my L's advice on big flip chart paper, and sticking them around the bedroom.
Main advice is to take the $ and run.
Had to look thru all the re-fi and appraisal info. Just this time last year we were re-fi'ing to be paid off in 15 years. I don't know about you, but 15 years seems very do-able. A blink of the eye.
And then we would have the house, and our lives, and close to retirement, and love and life.
And as we signed the papers... one month away another woman was going to walk into his life....and change everything.
Just sent him an email about some insurance stuff he had asked about. I included a little question about how a particular work project was going. Just to be friendly.
I am at a strange stage:
suddenly picturing X asking back in. trying to get to the stage of WAW--thought I was there. afraid that an ugly battle for the house equals slamming any possible cracks in doors firmly shut I feel OK in the house Roomie is here for the night for the first time. Thus I am sleeping in the bedroom for the first time in months.
to engage in house battle or not.
L put it clearly in profit/loss/dollar amounts. That's her job.
Yesterday I found the receipt for the lovely, soft, eco-, green, new sheets that he bought on-line. Dated end of April. And sometime in May...she arrived. And everything changed.
Weeping, weeping.
Thank you all for being there.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
. I feel really good about being in C right now, after being worried about wasting my time and money. A bad C is worse than none at all -- some don't get that.