Well, MC by myself was not that enlightening except that the MC said that I needed to find my purpose if I was going to move towards being happy. He did say that based on what I told him about my situation, this could go on for a while unless I decided that I was done. I think he didn't tell me much more than I had already obtained from my therapist.
I am embarrassed to admit that I think I really messed up the other night. I have been feeling really uptight about things and asked my W point blank as we were going to bed if she was still seeing OM. She said that "he doesn't matter". I asked, what happened to make him not matter any more. As things escalated, I actually told her that she should just go move in with him. She said "that's not going to happen". She was very emotional after I told her to go be with him (crying very hard). The next day, she wrote me a note saying that she felt like I really wanted her to leave and that she didn't see how we could ever work things out now. This is where I got even more stupid. I remember thinking when I said it, I was deadly serious, I just felt spent...done with all of this after nearly 6 months of trying to bottle things up. The next day, I softened my stance a bit which I know was not a good thing to do once I had let the go move out bomb drop. We are back at our equilibrium position as of yesterday and all of that seems to have blown over so maybe I have not blown things completely by becoming emotional. I was definitely not cool, calm and collected!
I did go to the Doctor yesterday and started to explore options in terms of ADs. She wrote me a script for a certain AD and my W saw it this AM. She called me at work extremely concerned about the ADs and said that one of her friends had nearly committed suicide because of the one that I had been prescribed. She seemed really concerned about me and upset and started making suggestions of things she could do to help me. I told her not to worry and that I was just exploring options for my depression and that I could handle it. I have not seen my W so concerned about me since this while thing began.
On a more positive note, I am leaving town to hang out with a friend this weekend so will have some much needed GAL! Still a bit worried she is going to spend time with OM while I am gone but trying to purge that care from my mind right now....
The good thing is that she showed a lot of concerned for you when she saw your prescription. Some WAW's would have shrugged it off and not bothered to say anything.
I believe your W loves you. She is not showing you respect by having an A. I think she is messed up just like the other WAW's and it's going to take time for her to find her way back. What concerns me is that I don't know that you will be able to handle that kind of time & pressure unless you have a prescription that really works well for you. I hope you will be very aware of your feelings as in regard to this AD b/c some don't work in a positive way. It took me several tries before I finally found one that worked. Know what was sad? The first AD I took was for several years and I didn't know it wasn't working like it should. I was so used to being unhappy that it had become the norm for me. But, it's not the norm, and I don't want you to end up having a break down. Whatever you do, don't take them and suddenly stop b/c that is what's so dangerous. There are several that warn about suicide if you don't taper off.
Please, be careful and take good care of yourself, okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What a difference a week makes! Last week, I was so low I didn't think I could continue this process but I have felt better and more positive this week than I have since the bomb dropped.
I had a great GAL weekend out of town hanging out with a buddy and came to realize that whether D or R, I will be OK with myself. Holy cow, these walkaway situations really do work your self confidence and self image over with a sledgehammer. I am 6 months post bomb and this week, I finally started to feel like myself again. I feel confident this week, looking people in the eyes, smiling big and not obsessing about my W (at least not too much!)
I realized based on some interest shown from women this week that I wont wither and die if W leaves and that there are others out there that might find me fun loving, intelligent and interesting...just like my wife once did. I am noticing results from the gym which makes me happy. My work motivation after the bomb became non-existent but this week, I got the fire back at work and kicked butt! My brain has defogged considerably this week and I have spent less time on this website at work (God I hope my work didn't track my internet usage over the past 6 months!).
I think that after 6 months, I have finally come to terms with the fact that whether, D or R, this is going to be a loooong ride and I have to just settle in and concentrate on my growth. I have improved and I have learned more these past 6 months about what it takes to be a good man and a good husband than I have learned during my entire life. If my W leaves, she is going to lose a good man and that will be her loss. I like where I am heading right now!
As for an update on our sitch, it was my B-day recently and my W actually bought me some nice gifts. She did get me a card and it said "Happy Birthday, You are a wonderful person. Love, W". Sounds somewhat neutral to me but still surprised to even see the "Love" word there since it wasn't there on my anniversary card pre-bomb.
During our back and forth R-talk email session last week before my weekend away, my W told me that she was upset that I didn't tell her that I had started MC solo but that it was my business why I didn't include her (this from the person I told that I was planning to do this and she expressed no interest or desire to go to MC!) In my response, I finally sent my W info on Retrouvaille and a couple of links to personal stories from people who had been. I also told her I would let her know about the next appointment I schedule for MC. I have heard nothing back from her ever since. When I got back from my trip, I did check the internet history and saw that she had actually read up on Retrouvaille (good maybe?). However, in one of the articles, they talked about the financial devastation of divorce. I saw in the internet history right after this article that she googled "financial impact of divorce" (bad maybe?). At any rate, she only searched one website about this and then it was back to 3,000 searches for jewelry, clothes, etc. which has been her obsession since her A started. Maybe I am wrong but this made me think that after an A and all of this talk of S, that she had not once considered what D would mean. I mean if she had to google that at this point, she really has not been thinking clearly about where this is going.
I am not sure at this point if she is still seeing OM. She has not come home late since early December and seems to be relaxed around me right now but still no intimacy since November. When I got back from my trip, I did not ask her what she did while I was away and she volunteered that she had gone to a movie with a female friend of hers. Also, since this sitch started, she cant stand to see me at work because she says she feels like she never gets a break from me. However, twice this week, she has showed up at my office with a chocolate bar and latte for me. Both times, she hung out for a while to chat.
I have learned to not get excited over baby steps so I am just staying focused on being positive and confident and seeing where this is leading. At least I am starting to see that either way, I feel like I am heading in a good direction.
Had another good week this week with what I felt like were a couple of minor victories for me. I started a diet on Sunday and really stuck to it all week. I weigh in tomorrow so hopefully lost some weight. The best part is, I realized that I am doing this for me! For the first time since the bomb, I am doing something for me without the underlying goal to try to improve my R. I also have done a good job of not being tied to her moods. I came home one night this week in a great mood but W was in a foul mood. Now normally, my mood would shift to match hers and I would work myself up worrying about what is bothering her. Not this time, I stayed in my good mood, cooked a great dinner that I had been wanting to cook, and she ended up changing to match my good mood.
Starting to rediscover my love of cooking. Going to make griilled salmon with a shallot/red wine compound butter this weekend. That should be good after shoveling all the snow that is supposed to fall tonight...
I know, dieting is the worst. I love chocolate and a whole assortment of weight unfriendly foods! I did lose 4 pounds last week and hope to continue towards my goal of losing 40 pounds by June.
My W did go to another day of cooking classes this weekend but at least she came directly home afterward. She used to "lose" a few hours between her classes and getting home which was her primary time together with OM. Maybe her coming straight home is a good sign. She seems down, going to bed early and having trouble getting up in the morning. I am thinking that she is depressed and wonder if she is grieving OM. I have seen very little lately to make me suspect that she is still seeing him but I know not to get excited yet because we are nowhere near a R. She still has not expressed any remorse and has not apologized about her A. I consider us to be at an equilibrium state and this is allowing me some space to spend some energy worrying about me for a change!
We still go day to day, having fun and acting like nothing is wrong except that there is no physical intimacy. No R discussions now for the past couple of weeks, but we talk a lot more these days than we did in the months leading up to the bomb. Good conversations that just flow and aren't tense or forced which is nice.
Of course, V-day is coming up and I plan to get a blank card with only "Happy Valentines Day, Love Junco" written in it and a small box of chocolates. I will hold on to these and give one or both based on what she gives me. If she gives me nothing, I will hold off on it too.
I guess I am just waiting to see where this goes for now. She is not doing anything blatantly suspicious right now and I am kinda enjoying the space to focus on me so I hope I am not just being an Ostrich! Time will tell I guess...
I need some advice, bad night tonight. I have been thinking things have been getting better with W and maybe they have. However, W left her email open and I found that she has been lying and is still seeing OM. This weekend, she told me that she was taking two cooking classes in NYC, however, I have email confirmation that she only took the one and then met up with OM. Oh, and by the way, a few posts up, she had told me that she saw a movie with a female work friend while I was out of town. Wrong again, saw it with OM. Found many other instances of her lying about where she was while she was really with him.
My first instinct was to react and confront but thought I would post here for advice. I don't see a lot of ILY stuff but it is still lies, lies, lies. Should I confront, if so, how should I do it being that I confronted before and said all of the "I won't be in a M with a third person".
I am really stressed right now but calmer than the first time I found out. Any advice is appreciated
I am at a point wondering if I should ask her to leave. I know I have less chance of turning this around without her in the house but I have developed a little bit of self respect over the past 6 months too. This sucks...
