First of all, yes you have to stop with the married man. Really. Stop it. Altogether, and NOW. You are finally realizing that you need true intimacy, and you can't get that from him, even if he's unhappy, even if he's about to leave her, even if you two "click" so well.
I've been in your shoes, more than once actually. Especially at the point of just a sort of "sexual friendship" that keeps me hooked and thinking all the time. Most of my "affairs" were exactly what you are describing and most didn't actually include physical intimacy. It was really how it made my mind feel moreso than having actual physical contact that created the draw for me.
Like you, at some point I had to realize that for some reason, I was the one who was choosing situations that would guarantee me a lack of intimacy, even though the mental/sexual aspect was so alluring. Yet, I really lacked intimacy, not sex. Its hard to get this into your mind in a way that will cause you to stop seeking the wrong things, but you can do it if you stay focused.
For me, I was very lucky that when my husband met me and began actively pursuing me, he turned out to be the love of my life. He was/is much wiser than I am, and had already figured this stuff out for himself. He could really "see" me, and knew that his efforts to pursue me wouldn't be a waste of time. So I did a lot of personal work, but I never really had to "look" for a man to meet my highest expectations, because he found me first.
But...lets say I hadn't met him but somehow I still had the knowledge of what I know now about what I really need in my life...how would I go about finding the man of my dreams?
I would have just continued to put myself out there in arenas where I felt I could meet appropriate men who want the same thing as I do, and I know (now) that I would have eventually found "him". See, one of the things my husband had learned, is that the only way to get what you really want is to AVOID what you don't want and to actively run the other direction when it comes toward you. Through many talks with him, I know that there came a time in his life where he realized that sex is easy, sex partners are plentiful, but that sex partners are rarely full-on intimacy partners. He had had enough sex in his life at that point, and deliberately decided to only pursue what looked to him like a good overall match in personality, life style, income levels, maturity, AND sexual needs. Women throw themselves at him, so it was sort of hard at first. But he had to AVOID any woman who only seemed to fit a few of his wish-list items. That meant he ended up single for several years before he met me...by the time he met me, he knew what he was looking for, knew he hadn't seen it in anyone up to that point, and knew he wasn't going to settle for less than all he was looking for.
So from this, I have learned a great lessson as well. That if I was in your shoes, I would have to actively AVOID all men who were not EVERYTHING I was looking for.
And even then, when you find one and start dating, it will take a year or so before you know for sure if they fit the bill or not.
But the first step dear, is getting rid of the married man. He will only distract you from finding what you are really looking for...
Even if you have to wait for a few years to find the right man, it will be worth it as long as you do NOT settle for less than all you want.
I hope this helps at all, and don't feel I'm scolding you, because as I said, I've done things I'm not proud of and I wish I could have a do-over for all of it...and yet at the same time, I know how easy it is to "fall" for someone on that level when you are intimacy starved so no judgement from me! :0)
