Well, it is interesting to watch how things develop. This evening after work, once again I started looking around the house for things I could do as soon as I got home. For one thing, the dishwasher needed emptying, and there were a few things on the drain-board. So I emptied the dishwasher and put the stuff away, and grabbed the few dirty dishes from the counter and put them in the dishwasher. W came into the kitchen as I was about halfway through this, and thanked me (verbally). While she was there, I started to say I really think we should go ahead and post the Marriage Vision on the fridge, the bathroom mirror, etc. I'll post it in a separate post below so you can see it - there's nothing there I wouldn't be proud to show my kids and my parents. I made the case to W that in fact I think the kids will be proud of us when they really start to see how we're working on the M, and in fact they're going to start seeing changes very soon, because I, for one, am not going to be watching ANY TV, including the Olympics. I also said I think we should go ahead and tell the kids that we're seeing someone to help us make our M better, and if we present it in an upbeat fashion, I'm sure they won't react badly or get scared or anything - they're adults, after all. They don't at this point have ANY idea how bad things are between me and W, so I think they'll totally buy that W and I are just feeling kind of stale on things, and in a rut, and want to recharge our marriage.
Anyway, W started pushing back on a few things almost right away.
First of all, she doesn't want the Vision statement posted on the bathroom mirror, she said she didn't want to have to take it down every time someone comes over, at which point I countered that I don't see why we'd feel inclined to hide it from anyone. Anyway, she agreed we could post it on the fridge, and in the bedroom, and if I want to look at it while shaving, I can tape it up before and take it down after. Okay, I'll do things that way to start with.
Secondly, she wanted to say that she, for one, doesn't see why we should have to miss the last season of Lost, and she fully intends to watch it, and she also intends to watch at least some events in the Olympics, because that's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, even though it comes back in 4 years, this particular olympics will never happen again. I said I can understand that, and she's free to do what she wants, but I said I feel strongly that if I cheap-out on this task, I'll want to do it again, and before long, the process will certainly break down. I stated that this is really important to me, and I intend to trust the process and do what the C says we should do. I also said I did watch TV that first night, and felt bad about it after. So she's obviously going to not follow the process entirely, and this will undoubtedly come out in our next session, so that'll be interesting. Am I surprised? No. Somewhat disappointed, but not crushed. After all, the next session is only about 3 weeks away, and we'll get a chance to talk about it then, if we don't before, so that gives me the freedom to simply observe this and wait and see. This also tells me that I am changing things in a meaningful way, because it's already starting to bug her - it's touched a nerve. Since this will initially make her uncomfortable, this kind of push-back is to be expected.
After checking my email briefly, I came back to the living room and sat down to read. She was ironing, and she immediately started talking about another thing that happened in the last session - how the C had questioned her about her childhood, and expressed disbelief that it had been as rosy-sweetnes-and-light as she had described in her intake questionnaire (she apparently used the word "Loving" twice in one sentence, and listed nothing even slightly derogatory or upsetting about her parents). Anyway, she started saying how she felt the C was trying to get her to say that her father had been some kind of horrible monster, or looking for some kind of dirt, and that there just wasn't anything of the sort - her entire childhood had just been completely wonderful and perfect. She even used the word Perfect, I think. She was an only child until 14 when they adopted her brother at 4, so she got good and settled in that "princess" position, although she was always afraid of her own shadow, for some reason. Hmmm. Anyway, we talked about this topic for at least 45 min or an hour, and she was vigorously defending her position (to ME, her H of 30.5 years). I'm not a psychologist, but I know enough to suspect that a vigorously-defended position (pro-actively, when there's no attack anywhere) may indicate something one doesn't wish to examine too closely.
Anyway, we had a good long discussion, and I reiterated several times that I really trust this C, I feel he really has something to offer us, and I intend to follow through with what he recommends, and do his exercises fully. I'm also going to keep up with the AOS, to show her I am fully committed to changing things between us. I really do want to connect with her, and I want her to see that in a way she can fully trust.
W and I went to see Avatar a couple weeks ago. One of the phrases the characters used (the natives) was "I see you," which had many deep layers of meaning, but generally was used to mean "I understand you and know you deeply and completely." I want W and I to be able to say that to each other...
