Had our therapy session today - was a little hurried, as the therapist wrote in an earlier time than she gave us, so some scheduling problems. Anyway, talked a little bit about what's been going on, the process we're going though, etc. C asked me a couple of times what was on my mind.
I said that I had become bitter about the whole marriage. That it would be easy to believe that W married me just for security. That we were supposed to be partners. I said that I was so disappointed in her, and I thought her actions were despicable. And then she has the gall to say that she wants to be friends. I said that she filed for D without trying to work on it, after 6 months where I was stressed out, but so was she - she was really hard to deal with at that time.
It was kind of intense, but I got it out. All very calmly. Not that it makes a whole lot of difference.
C kept asking me things like - so you still have hope to reconcile? So you'd want to stay in a marriage where W thought something was missing? stuff like that. And she finally said something like, "so, you're feeling really angry." Yes, now you're getting it.
We actually went to lunch afterwards. We didn't talk a whole lot, but enough. First thing she said was that she doesn't hate me (I actually said that in the session). She said that she gets out of control emotionally now and doesn't know what to do, without me around - was my role to calm her down.
She said she didn't marry just for security - I asked her why she did it. And she said she had loved me, lock stock & barrel. And she started to cry when she said it. And she said, you know my heart, just like I know yours.
I said I won't be friends with her, I can't do it. And she said, I know, that's why I'm not leaning on you anymore.
As we were walking to the cars, she said "I still care" - I just said "stop." Last thing I said before getting in the car.
