Thought I was done

[LookingFrAnswers]

You've got it! Lots of good wishes for your meeting, and hoping for the best outcome possible. You're prepared mentally so you can control your emotions. You'll do great.((((hugs))))

[MarkG]

OK so I wish you luck. Long time no see, I had some "issues" I will post on my thread, link in my sig. Anyways it's good to see you're still around, sorry to hear things have taken a turn closer to the D but then again you've made a lot of DBing progress. Anyways I'm going to keep this short tonight, I'll keep in touch more now. The good news for you is that detaching like you just did is what makes a WAS come around faster.

[NoLongerHere]

Ahhhhh hey guys. Not really sure what to type, kind of deflated.

Called up W after work yesterday to see what the plan was, and she didn't even want to meet and talk anymore.

She said, "It hurts just talking to you."

Well we did, and it wasn't very far that she really didn't want to negotiate. At one point she started to cry a little, I put my hand on her back and she said "don't touch me" - later she said, "you can't be that person for me anymore."

Anyway, I texted her today to agree to a support amount. I think it's much too much, she thinks it's much too little, but it's in the range in the scenarios that the mediator worked out for us. I really hope I don't regret this later, but looks like we can avoid court.

I've had moments today where I just feel like I hate her. And I know she's feeling the same thing. I've been wishing that I'd never gotten married (except for the boys, of course). She's unstable and self-absorbed. It's easy to think right now that it was the biggest mistake of my life.

Well, I have the boys with me tonight. When I picked them up, I wanted to say something like "I am so disappointed in you. We were supposed to be a team." But I really didn't say anything at all to her. I'm not sure if I said more than three words. Yeah, I was cold. Sorry.

And she emailed me tonight with a song suggestion to learn for my little acoustic band. WTF?

We actually have therapy tomorrow. Son of a &*@($. Wonder how that will go.

Well, the truth is - I'm going to need to co-parent with her. We're going to need to be partners.

She said to me last night, that she still thought we could be friends later, "even now..." Even now?? She's got this idea that somehow I'm the bad guy. Unbelievable.

Well, she'll keep the house, I'll keep most of the investments. Will be able to put together a downpayment on a place. Will have to stop contributing to the 401 to have enought takehome.

Side note - one of the reasons I didn't deliver my little speach was it sounded too much like something from Episode III... "You were supposed to be the chosen one! You were supposed to bring harmony to the Force, not leave it in darkness..." Sorry, geek alert, but have to find something to chuckle at I guess.

Well - perpective time. I have a friend that tells me - this is not the worst thing that will ever happen to you. I've got two great kids, I've got a job (even though my career is currently in need of repair). And for wide perspective, I live in a part of the world where things are pretty good - generally don't have to worry about disease, infrustructe problems, government instability, crime... this little drama of mine is survivable.

So tomorrow is another day.

And damned if I don't want to call her up and have a pleasant conversation. I won't.

Couple's therapy tomorrow. God. What to say? What's relevent to say? What's productive to say? I'm tired of her BS about being so hurt about having to negotiate.

Maybe I'm being a little self-absorbed too. In the end, if she keeps the house, the boys keep their home.

Anyway. If anyone has some helpful comments, I'm all ears.

[MarkG]

I consider myself lucky - W can't afford the D so as long as I don't file I'm fine haha ya.... Again, good luck, keep DBing doing it for you so you're in a better place.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well, the truth is - I'm going to need to co-parent with her. We're going to need to be partners.

She said to me last night, that she still thought we could be friends later, "even now..." Even now?? She's got this idea that somehow I'm the bad guy. Unbelievable.

Partners, yes. Co-parents -- absolutely. But friends???

That's your call. It's SO much a part of the "normalization" that people in affairs try to accomplish in the relationships around them, but I had to tell my wife that, if she chose to end our marriage this way (by cheating on me, lying about it to me and our family, and then CUTTING AND RUNNING and not even TRYING to work on the marriage), that I had absolutely ZERO INTENTION of remaining her friend, much less her BEST friend (which is what she wanted).

Friends simply don't do that to each other, and I'm not really sure why people would think it's any different if the person is their ex-wife/husband.

Well, this shook her up pretty badly, and she told me later that it was one of the biggest reasons she reconciled with me: she missed our friendship. Those that continue to offer this key marital benefit, even while their spouses are cheating on them, I believe miss out on a VERY powerful tool.

Sorry for the rant, Bill, and sorry to see you still in so much pain.

Puppy

[NoLongerHere]

That was kind of my response - how dare you...
Almost like she's expecting me to accomodate her for the sake of the friendship. No.

Dropped the kids off this morning. Again, didn't say much to her other than "I'll see you at 12:30".

[nsw1222]

That's your call. It's SO much a part of the "normalization" that people in affairs try to accomplish in the relationships around them, but I had to tell my wife that, if she chose to end our marriage this way (by cheating on me, lying about it to me and our family, and then CUTTING AND RUNNING and not even TRYING to work on the marriage), that I had absolutely ZERO INTENTION of remaining her friend, much less her BEST friend (which is what she wanted).

Friends simply don't do that to each other, and I'm not really sure why people would think it's any different if the person is their ex-wife/husband.

Well, this shook her up pretty badly, and she told me later that it was one of the biggest reasons she reconciled with me: she missed our friendship. Those that continue to offer this key marital benefit, even while their spouses are cheating on them, I believe miss out on a VERY powerful tool.

I wish you had offered this tidbit in my thread when I first got here...I think it might have been good incentive.

So was it just you saying it that shook her up, or did you go dark on her w/no contact as well? How long was it between when you stated that to her and when she finally came around...and what did you do in between the two that you felt made yourself a better person?

[NoLongerHere]

Well -

Had our therapy session today - was a little hurried, as the therapist wrote in an earlier time than she gave us, so some scheduling problems. Anyway, talked a little bit about what's been going on, the process we're going though, etc. C asked me a couple of times what was on my mind.

I said that I had become bitter about the whole marriage. That it would be easy to believe that W married me just for security.
That we were supposed to be partners. I said that I was so disappointed in her, and I thought her actions were despicable. And then she has the gall to say that she wants to be friends. I said that she filed for D without trying to work on it, after 6 months where I was stressed out, but so was she - she was really hard to deal with at that time.

It was kind of intense, but I got it out. All very calmly. Not that it makes a whole lot of difference.

C kept asking me things like - so you still have hope to reconcile? So you'd want to stay in a marriage where W thought something was missing? stuff like that. And she finally said something like, "so, you're feeling really angry." Yes, now you're getting it.

We actually went to lunch afterwards. We didn't talk a whole lot, but enough. First thing she said was that she doesn't hate me (I actually said that in the session). She said that she gets out of control emotionally now and doesn't know what to do, without me around - was my role to calm her down.

She said she didn't marry just for security - I asked her why she did it. And she said she had loved me, lock stock & barrel. And she started to cry when she said it. And she said, you know my heart, just like I know yours.

I said I won't be friends with her, I can't do it. And she said, I know, that's why I'm not leaning on you anymore.

As we were walking to the cars, she said "I still care" - I just said "stop." Last thing I said before getting in the car.

Anyway. Session next week.

[Dane]

Sounds like you did pretty good Bill.
You do have to take all advice with a grain of salt, and there is no exact match for every sitch.
But there are some very obvious trends and very predictable patterns in sitchs.
Especially in this day of unlimited technology and connectivity.
I have to agree with Gucci, i saw it with my own eyes.
And the essay that Puppy wrote is dead on.

[NoLongerHere]

Well - therapy isn't DBing, is it... yeah, I aired my feelings, but she responded with the "so my needs weren't important" argument. I'm not sure it was productive, but sure was a "safe place to express my feelings." Another opportunity to look emotional, and not acknowledge her feelings. Yippee.

But there are some very obvious trends and very predictable patterns in sitchs.
Especially in this day of unlimited technology and connectivity.
I have to agree with Gucci, i saw it with my own eyes.

Yeah, I have too.
It's a weird scenario, they both talk about how much their lives suck. It's not a matter of him encouraging her - she just vents about how horrible everything is, how awful I am.

Still have the urge to call her, say something like, I'm sorry if that was harsh today. But I won't. Going to get something to eat and go play music with my buddy. I've got the boys for the weekend, I won't see her actually until Monday, she's leaving tomorrow afternoon to go on a trip with her mother, I pick them up at the neighbors.

I'm trying to believe that I'm not self-absorbed, I did the best I could. Yeah, I worked a lot. But like I said previously - we were supposed to be partners. I was bringing in the income.

You know what it is, I guess I'm just bitter right now that none of that changes. I still have to work to bring in the income, but she gets to walk away, she gets the house, she gets the greater percentage of time with the boys, its like I just get ejected from the family.

Without sounding like I'm going into a little-boy pouty self-righteous rant here... Yes, her needs were important. But - 6 months of stress that we were both going through - yeah, I want to be able to count on my partner to be resilient. We went to Hawaii in May, we had a great anniversary celebration in June - and yes, there were times where I was sick (yeah, last year's Valentine's day), I was tired, I needed to rest from work, etc. But for God's sake, say something like "I think we should go to counseling." Suddenly, you lose everything. I don't know, C pointing out that she's lost that loving feeling - I mean - really? How about the kids? How about the commitments? How about riding out the ups and downs? How about love is a decision?

Yeah, I'm ranting. I don't know what else to say, because honestly, it doesn't make any difference. I've thought these thoughts and talked this talk since late July.

I really meant what I said to her - that I'm so disappointed in her. But what the heck, I guess she'd say the same thing.

Crap, it's late. Gotta go. Sorry for the ranting guys, I guess just letting it lose. I feel pretty level, so that's OK.