I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[Dudess]

Part of me would give ANYTHING to have him home. Most of me is just DONE.

Likely he wouldn't become the partner you want, but wouldn't it still be nice for him to want you back and dump OW if you'll consider it? You aren't obligated to stay. Oh, now I'm being vindictive about your husband. He deserves it though, and so does she.

[talia]

Dudess,
I like you - vindictive is OK - Here. She does deserve it. I suppose there is that glimmer chance in hell that he would do the things necessary - but since he's not expressing interest its time for me to move forward. I guess I'll cross that bridge if I ever get the chance. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to be second choice anymore. He has to WANT to be with me and PROVE it.

I'll think more about meeting with him... You make a great point about creating mystery. I suppose I could sort of split this - meet him very briefly - tell him I've been advised not to file jointly. Here is where I stand on the finances and give him the last part of the letter to review. Maybe that's the best of the good and the least of the bad????

I need to read the responses again....



How about this for the first part of the letter?? The financial stuff at the end just is what it is...
I would like to advise you of some decisions I have made. I see no reason to meet at this time. As I see it, we have nothing to discuss in person. Its clear this divorce does need to move forward and as things are now it would be the best thing for me. Here is where I stand.

I know you have some legitimate complaints about my role in the dysfunction of our marriage. I acknowledge that, and as you know, have been dealing with my issues. I believe in time you could have seen that those changes are for real.. I would have been willing to put in some effort to see if this marriage can be saved. I think we both will regret someday that we didn’t do everything we could to be sure it’s unsalvageable. I have decided that there is no longer an open invitation for you to come home. I deserve more than this from my husband. I cannot respect your decision to cut and run and I damn well cannot respect your decision to involve a third person in our marriage.

We will not be filing jointly for divorce. Once you serve me with the required papers I’ll have my lawyer take a look at things from my end. I’ve been advised that it’s in my best interests to keep that separate, as I need to protect myself.

I am willing to continue to work together on bills with you and keep doing what we are already doing with our joint acct. We both have a stake in being able to see that things are paid properly. This way neither of us needs to worry about our credit history being hurt any more by the other person.



In my state a couple who can work out all of their D terms together can file "jointly" or uncontested for D. They enter the petition together and usually don't even see a judge in person - the judge just reviews and signs the order. This is what H wants - my L tells me this would be totally stupid. Thats what I mean by collaborating. Mediation is where we all get together with lawyers - which I assume will be the next step after one of us files.

T

[talia]

TTA,
You are right about having H to thank for pushing you to change. I am SOOOOO grateful for the things I have resolved about myself during this time. I NEVER would have come this far if H hadn't walked out and forced me to take a hard look at myself. I am 10X better as a person than I was. IC has helped me deal with my issues and I'm well on my way to being whole in that sense. I feel like "me" again. I feel like I'm strong enough to do anything or take on anyone. I don't think I would be where I'm at if it weren't for the shock of D and losing H. Sometimes you have to lose the the important things in life to see how important they really were to you. I have a totally different attitude about relationships and what makes them work. I now understand the amount of WORK it takes. I WILL BE a fantastic partner for someone, someday. I just don't know if H will ever get himself to the point of being a fantastic partner. He's running away like a scared little boy. I think I'm losing faith that he can change. But I'll guess I would give him the chance if he asked.... I'm too committed to my MARRIAGE not to.

Thanks for the support!!

(((HUGS)))

T

[Dudess]

This:

I am SOOOOO grateful for the things I have resolved about myself during this time. I NEVER would have come this far if H hadn't walked out and forced me to take a hard look at myself. I am 10X better as a person than I was. I . . . I WILL BE a fantastic partner for someone, someday.

Sounds so much more powerful than this:

I know you have some legitimate complaints about my role in the dysfunction of our marriage. I acknowledge that, and as you know, have been dealing with my issues. I believe in time you could have seen that those changes are for real.. I would have been willing to put in some effort to see if this marriage can be saved.

and conveys essentially the same thing.

[pearlharbr]

Don't make any assumptions. You want to be married to the person H was, not the person he is now. He has not indicated that he is working on himself or is willing to do the necessary work. Unless and until he shows this you have to make decisions based on what you know now. Don't waste time thinking about how things could be. There's no point in all the what-ifs.

The fact is that he is gone. The fact is that he is engaged in an adulterous affair. The fact is that you deserve to be with a man who respects and loves you as a person. Make decisions that serve your best interests.

If you think you can pull of meeting with him without falling apart or backsliding in some way it could definitely work in your favor. Simply have the bill paying stuff typed out to leave with him. Follow Dudess's plan about meeting up: say you only have a minute because you have other plans, say here's the guideline for financial matters then breeze out with a smile and wave.

If you don't want to see him in person (which I totally understand--I refused to see BF after I kicked him out until he professed his love and willingness to do whatever it takes to earn another chance) then don't. I still think there's way too much in your email.

I would like to advise you of some decisions I have made. I see no reason to meet at this time. As I see it, we have nothing to discuss in person. Its clear this divorce does need to move forward and as things are now it would be the best thing for me.

I have decided that there is no longer an open invitation for you to come home. We will not be filing jointly for divorce. I am willing to continue to work together on bills with you and keep doing what we are already doing with our joint acct.

If you start out saying you have nothing to discuss why would you then go on for several paragraphs rehashing things? He already knows where you stand on the R. He knows you're working on yourself. He knows you do not approve of his affair. It's not going to be any clearer or make any more impact if you say it again and again. You only need to give him new information at this point.

Read some more of gucci and robx's posts. They point out that the best way to get a WAS's attention is to become a WAS yourself. Not only that, it's the best way to become the best person for you.

[talia]

Thanks Pearl!!!!! I promise I'm not making any assumptions. The realization the H would probably NEVER do all the things I would need him to do to make this work is why I feel so DONE. The person I married dosen't exsist anymore and I wouldn't give the current bodysnatcher the time of day under normal circumstances - ever!! Its just hard to not miss what we HAD at one point...

Dudess - You are SO right. I'm not including any of that crap about my role - thanks for helping me see!!!!!

I'm not going to let my feelings get in the way of my decisions -I've paid attention to the posts - I know that would be stupid!! Thats why I feel a little guilty that standing up for myself beats the crap out of someone else...

I'll think about the meeting. If I don't meet him now I will always have to meet him later as things progress - so I might just skip this one since I feel so unsure.

I want to become the WAS - I think that would be best for me. Not meeting with him seems like the right thing to do with that plan in mind.

Part of me just doesn't care if he sees the changes... Its almost like I feel they are TOO GOOD for him to be able to enjoy them - like he dosen't deserve it. Wierd...


You are right - new information only! If I don't meet him - I will just send the fact/financial stuff. No need to send the other stuff.

You guys do such a good job of keeping me grounded!!!!

Thanks!!

T

[avermont]

Great job, talia, on processing that thru!

Quite the learning journey in just that one note, right?

I'm so glad to hear how much you know you have grown through all this.

Keep it up.

[Rhody5]

These posts have made my day. Admiring you for staying strong!! My H left and is not paying a cent towards the mortgage or bills and I'm almost to the point of where you are--Stay strong!

[mindfull]

Talia - You are so very wise and courageous for your young age! You will make SOME AWESOME man the most amazing partner someday! I have nothing to add! HUGS

[pearlharbr]

I'm so happy to see you work through that. Thanks to Dudess because she articulated the individual points so well.

Stop thinking that you standing up for yourself is causing your H pain. It's simply not true. He chose this path. He was mistaken in thinking you would just roll over and give him whatever he wanted. That's his problem and his alone. Just keep saying he chose the actions so he chose the consequences. It really is that simple.

Part of me just doesn't care if he sees the changes... Its almost like I feel they are TOO GOOD for him to be able to enjoy them - like he dosen't deserve it.

And that is how you become the WAS. You ask yourself why would you want to chase after someone who doesn't want you? You accept that you deserve better than this. You accept that H has no more to give. That's ok. You will find someone who WILL treat you with respect and love and that person will deserve someone like you too.

Or to paraphrase gucci: "Men are a dime a dozen and I have a pocketful of dimes."