Vacillating husband

[Vulcanized]

Hi Flowmom,

My comp. has been on lock down for months. There is absolutely NO WAY he will ever figure out the pass. I've also kept my cell glued to me, so no way for him to look at that either, other than online to see who I'm calling/texting, or while I'm asleep.

As for him reading my journal, there is nothing in there. I started it on 1.1. My resolution was that this was MY year. I am going to be happy, GD it! Thusly, I've been doing just that. Write about the positive changes that are occurring, despite the negative events leading to them.

I think you are right about me moving. I did go 100% dark between Thanksgiving & NY [no contact of any sort at all]. I have absolutely no intention of seeing/speaking/interacting w/H after 3.1. I've already told H that. Told him that I will see/speak to him when it's time to sell house & when D is finalized.

This week I started to pull way, way back again. There are times when it seems like he wants me to console him. Instead, I hug, kiss & cuddle the animals. He can get his EN met by his GF, since he's choosing her over our M.

Thank you for your input. Gets a little frustrating at times, not getting much feedback.

[Vulcanized]

Hi Rob,

Thank you for your feedback & the 2 x 4. I definitely need a few more of those!

Something more accurate and more effective is to push them towards the other person.

Thats how I feel now. Or maybe more accurately, that is what I've decided right now. H. clearly wants OW more than me. So, he should go pursue that possibility b/c I am done being second choice, or the fall back if R w/ OW doesn't work out.

Move on.

Move in the opposite direction.

If they're involved with another person,
you begin social interaction with other people, ie. dating. You show them that you agree with their actions and that you want to do the same thing because in the end it's the best thing for you as well to be with other people who would value you and the relationship they have with you.

Again, agree 100%. I fully plan on dating [casual, no sex] as soon as I'm moved out. I'm clearly not ready to be in a R w/anyone, but think going out and having fun will a. pick up my spirits b. help me remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea. c. help me actually move on.

Don't follow your feelings, don't pursue them, don't try to be "best" spouse possible so that they can make the decision between the other person and you: you take the bull by the horns, you make the decision for them, you remove yourself as an option to them, you move, "I've decided this is what's best for me", and you move in the opposite direction.

Absolutely. I had a tough time deciding whether or not I should be the one to move. In the long run, my moving is the best decision for ME, despite it making life much easier for H.

You are pursuing someone who rejects you.

Ab-so-f'in-lutely. And that behavior has come to a grinding halt once again.

Remove yourself as an option, let them have the other person, because now they can't have you and you're happy (yes you're happy, read that part, fricken ecstatic, glue that smile on if you have to) because you get to move on and experience everything life has to offer you.

You stop pursuing them, you stop chasing them, you stop being nicey nicey, you stop buying gifts, doing chores, running errands, you stop being their spouse. You can be civil and friendly but you don't owe them anything.

That is exactly where I am again. I was doing all the above from Nov [before NC] up until 2 weeks ago. I knew I was going down the wrong track, but the clock ticking made me somehow entertain the notion that kissing his a$$ was going to work. I've been packing, getting rid of junk, organizing all week. H. comes down, and I'm smiling, laughing, stopping to play w/dog. Dog has been my shadow through all this.

So now we do what works.

We follow reality.
We observe reality.
We don't do what our "feelings" tell us to do because technically your "feelings" are responsible for all of your actions during his affair and your actions have been fighting his feelings. You stop fighting his feelings and he has nothing left to fight against.

You stop pursuing and he has nothing left to reject.

You move in the opposite direction and "move on" with your life and you've created space & distance between the two of you. You stop pursuing and you removed yourself as an option and all of a sudden his affair will become less exciting.

You move on with your life and appear to prepare yourself for a great new exciting "single" life and he will turn around and take notice and that's when the dynamic in this relationship will change.

These are the things I'm looking forward to. Setting up my new home, dating, living life on my terms, without the stress of living with a petulant, lovesick teenager - err, H. It seems like there is only a positive outcome for me at the end of all this - happy, single Ruined or happy, M Ruined.

[Ready2Change]

It is very important to project a new attitude:

Happy (Smile-Just think of the happiest moment in you life),Cool(Be very aware of your body language ;open,relaxed),Calm(Slow deep tone)Confident(Maintain strong eye contact),Mysterious(Do not explain any of your actions),sincere,interesting,engaging, Top this off with good grooming, dressing with style)

And if you are interacting with other woman:

humorous(Make her laugh),seductive(ozz sex that is more tempting than the daily variety)

remember: 93% of what you communicate is non-verbal

So, is this the same tack to take w/WAH? I'm kinda on this path, but uncertain. Is it to 'macho' too interact this way w/ H?

I would like to suggest that you do a little research on sex appeal.

I think the list above has some overlap. If I met a woman with those traits, I would pursue her.

[Vulcanized]

Hi R2C,

for the most part, I am these things. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

My problem is I'm sorta unsure if I should be a little bit more feminine in my approach or not. Normally, I'm kinda macho / dude-y, however ya wanna phrase it.

It's an odd dichotomy, as I look ultra-femme, but act / think more like a dude. H. is definitely the woman in this M. He's gotten quite p.o.'ed when I've said that to him. So that just brings me back around to the question of: do I treat him more as a WAW or a WAH?

[Rhody5]

Congratulations on taking the step in moving out and can't wait to read all about the new exciting steps and adventures that await. I agree with what you are saying about the dogs- they are totally keeping me sane at this point. That's one of the reasons I first balked at getting rid of them. Even when I don't want to, they force me to get up and out.. those nightly walks around the neighborhood have totally straightened out my thoughts so many times.

[Vulcanized]

Journal/Update:

H. has been hanging out in common house area. I'm holed up in my office. Having a really tough day; been snowing for 24 hours here, and I'm just so overwhelmed / sad / hopeless.

Just want to curl up into a little ball & cry.

Sorry, just needed to vent, so as to not break down & start sobbing.

[Vulcanized]

Journal/Update:

H sure has DB my a$$ the last few days. Hangs out in the living room, won't/doesn't speak, acts like I'm not even here.

Meanwhile, I pack, pack, get rid of massive amounts of stuff and try not to cry. Geez, this is so stinking hard. Try to maintain PMA, laugh and smile w/ pets.

I want to go out and continue GAL, but we've gotten 43" snow in the last 5 days.

Just venting, don't want to be all boo-hooey in front of H. Want to portray calm, happy, glad to be moving out & on in front of H.

[Vulcanized]

Tonight H heads off to his BF's house (or so I think). I have been friends w/BF for 12 years, although since the bomb, haven't spoken to him. Suspected that he is no longer my friend anymore.

Hear loud ruckus out front and go investigate. Cab is pretty much stuck in the snow, in the middle of the street and has done major damage to H's car.

Call H, phone off. Call H 2nd time, phone still off. Call H's bff, who boots call into voice-mail. Call 2nd time, H answers. Tell H what happened and to come home and deal w/it.

Take insurance info & pictures of damage, from many angles. H. says nothing. No thanks, nothing.

I'm floored.

Also very disheartened that my friend of 12+ years is unwilling to speak to me or be my friend anymore.

[flowmom]

It seems that most friends and family feel that they have to "take sides". I hurts though, I know how it feels.

[Vulcanized]

Journal/Update:

12 hours after H's parked car got hit, another car hit it. H. is staring out the window, looking at car and as I'm leaving for work, say "Hmm, looks like you'll be getting a free new car this winter". H. makes small talk about night before. If not for that exchange, wouldn't have spoken one word w/one another.

Wind up spending Friday night on my married BF's couch. H. doesn't ask where I was and I don't offer. Stay upstairs or locked in my office. Take very long nap, due to lack of sleep & BF's S5. I am fully aware of the conclusion that H. is probably coming to. H. is back to hanging out in the living room almost full time. He had been locked in his office for the last 5 months.

Saturday night, had a bit of a catastrophe at the bar that required hours of clean-up, and the place still looked like a disaster. Got home at 5:30 a.m., 1.5 - 2 hours later than usual, about the same time as if I went to the after-hours club. H. had major issues w/the 3 or 4 times a year I'd go to after-hours.

My BF works the early shift at the bar, so I called to explain why the mess. H. was in his office and able to hear the entire convo. I assume that he figured I came home late b/c I went to after-hours. He didn't ask, I didn't say anything.

H. spends afternoon in his office, w/door wide open. Usually, door is shut or just opened a crack so the cats can push it open to visit. Door is ALWAYS shut when texting/calling OW. I sat on couch watching 'Cheaters' marathon w/dog. H. comes down, sees what I'm watching, fusses over dog, goes back upstairs. Silently laugh to myself, as I'm sure 'Cheaters' wasn't exactly making him comfortable. Found it oddly telling / puzzling / befuddling that he was NC w/OW on VD for the hours we were both home together. Usually it's all day long on the weekends even though I'm home.

Later on, H. comes down to get ready for band practice. Dog is completely snuggled up against me, with her face in my face. H. kneels down, gets in dog's face and mine by default. Asks me to take her out b/4 I leave for work and to crate her. Tell him I do that every Sunday. The odd part is, every Sunday, H. just leaves and doesn't say a word. Every time H. leaves, he doesn't say a word. Just expects that I will take care of dog, which I do.

Last night, forgot to take my phone to bed w/me. Left it on my desk. Get up this morning, and notice that I have a new text and new VM. My phone has 2 screens that you have to touch to get rid of the notices or are able do anything else. So clearly, he touched my phone, I guess to see who called me or see who/what I'm texting. I've made it a point of deleting everything. Some days, phone will beep in front of H, I'll respond and erase on the spot. He sees me doing this. And again, I can imagine the conclusions that he may jump to.

I feel kind of bad that I'm encouraging him to think that I'm dating, but it does seem to be having an effect on him.

Maybe the reality of his decision is starting to fully dawn on him. There are packed boxes everywhere, and I haven't come home twice in 8 days. For all intensive purposes, it would be easy for him to conclude that there is OM.

Edit, extra info: I realize that encouraging him to think the worst is essentially playing games. I think he may be receptive to the OM idea due to his own A. There are things he says / does that betray his guilt over A. I don't think I'm hitting the guilt button, but definitely the jealousy button. Think it's a good thing for H. to realize that just b/c he doesn't want me doesn't mean nobody else will either.