I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[pearlharbr]

Don't make any assumptions. You want to be married to the person H was, not the person he is now. He has not indicated that he is working on himself or is willing to do the necessary work. Unless and until he shows this you have to make decisions based on what you know now. Don't waste time thinking about how things could be. There's no point in all the what-ifs.

The fact is that he is gone. The fact is that he is engaged in an adulterous affair. The fact is that you deserve to be with a man who respects and loves you as a person. Make decisions that serve your best interests.

If you think you can pull of meeting with him without falling apart or backsliding in some way it could definitely work in your favor. Simply have the bill paying stuff typed out to leave with him. Follow Dudess's plan about meeting up: say you only have a minute because you have other plans, say here's the guideline for financial matters then breeze out with a smile and wave.

If you don't want to see him in person (which I totally understand--I refused to see BF after I kicked him out until he professed his love and willingness to do whatever it takes to earn another chance) then don't. I still think there's way too much in your email.

I would like to advise you of some decisions I have made. I see no reason to meet at this time. As I see it, we have nothing to discuss in person. Its clear this divorce does need to move forward and as things are now it would be the best thing for me.

I have decided that there is no longer an open invitation for you to come home. We will not be filing jointly for divorce. I am willing to continue to work together on bills with you and keep doing what we are already doing with our joint acct.

If you start out saying you have nothing to discuss why would you then go on for several paragraphs rehashing things? He already knows where you stand on the R. He knows you're working on yourself. He knows you do not approve of his affair. It's not going to be any clearer or make any more impact if you say it again and again. You only need to give him new information at this point.

Read some more of gucci and robx's posts. They point out that the best way to get a WAS's attention is to become a WAS yourself. Not only that, it's the best way to become the best person for you.