Question

[awest1217]

Thanks K, but I don't want him to come home with her still being in the picture. To me that is not an option. I understand the phrase and maybe I am just being stupid, but I am so sick and tired of taking the high road while he goes out and does whatever he wants with her. Then he expects me to sit around and just wait on him. I am really not ok with that anymore. I know I am still young, but I am not going to waste another year waiting on him to decide to stop seeing OW, or having OW. This has been 10 years of this, not just one. I just feel like we are back to exactly where we were before the separation. We will be a loving couple and family, but underneath it all H is cheating on me and not completely committed. I don't want that life anymore.

I know I need to calm down, but I get more and more emotional thinking about it because I am so tired of it all. I am so sick of sharing my husband with some girl for whatever reason. It killed my self-esteem and I don't ever want that to happen to me again. I lost who I was because all I did was try to be the girl he wanted, which still doesn't make him happy. If we are going to live separate lives, then why not be separate. I just don't know right now which is why I need advice and probably a smack on the hand. I just want to not see him. Today I was thinking, I just don't want to see him at all, talk to him, or anything, but if I do that he will ask why and then it will just put a damper on everything, but I am tired of being lied to and tired of living a lie.

Let's see. H text me after work and said something about going to see a movie he wants to see sometime. I really don't want to go because for some reason I get a headache almost migraine whenever I go, but if I don't go with him, he will take OW so I am going to go. He started to talk about the weekend and spending saturday together, which could mean all day or just dinner (I still don't know). I asked if he had plans Sunday. He said he didn't have plans. He then went on to say some other things and I said to clarify "are we going to do anything together Sunday or Monday?" I wanted to make sure he understood I was not meaning in general but specific, and he said he "forgot" he had off Monday and Sunday is valentine's day so we could do something if I wanted to be his valentine. I said I would love to be his valentine (honestly a flat out lie) and then he asked if he should just make dinner on Sunday since everything would be packed. I responded we don't need to do anything special. He said ok and we went on with our conversation.

I also got on H's AIM and there was a message from OW saying hi...I know I need to stop doing that, but I am need to know the truth. I am just so tired of lies, OW, pretty much H in general. He rarely does anything to surprise me. I just feel like if he wants to move back into my house in a month and be a family, then he needs to shape up or ship out. Maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe I am just frustrated. I hate the way he makes me feel. Over Christmas, I actually felt loved and really enjoyed myself. I started to fall romantically back in love with him, but the blow up killed that part. I don't know if I am just protecting myself, hurt so bad that I can't feel, super angry...I don't know, but lately I honestly do not at all look forward to seeing H or texting him. He never calls or answers the phone so that is not a problem. I feel like everything from him is so fake. He is trying, but all that he is doing right now he did while we were married, engaged, dating, and he still had OW. I need transparency. I need to know I can begin to trust him. With his ranting yesterday, and today me feeling like I ruined his plans. I just don't know. It may also be the fact that last year on V-day H and I spent no time together, partially my fault and partially his. My sister-in-law wanted her baby shower then and I planned it. It was in the morning and done by noon. I called H to pick-up S from the party (a lot of family was there so had H with me so they could see him). He said he couldn't be there for a little bit. We live 2 minutes from where the party was. I asked why and he wouldn't tell me. Later during our fight, he said he was at OW's house "dropping off the dinner he made for her and her H". Yeah Right! He didn't make me anything. He planned nothing, but he made her dinner. As you can tell, that still cuts deep, and I just feel like nothing has changed at all. I have church until 1 so he could still see OW and then see me later, but won't do anything. I would like for him to, and I know I should tell him that because he can't read minds, but I am so tired.

I am trying to be strong and patient, but with this 1 month deadline looming, I just am scared I will be the one to have to compromise because he won't be transparent with me. I don't know why I am being so insecure today. I read back and see what he says, but we still only see him twice a week, and we talk after work. Just like before. He can do whatever he wants after work and I would never know. He can talk to OW as much as he wants and I will never know and if I try to find out, he gets a text saying I got on. I know I should live my life, and him his, which I was doing, but now I can't. H is coming home in a month....and he hasn't changed one bit. Those of you who have kept at this for years, I applaud you, but I am not one of them. I have been dealing with this all through dating, engagement, and now marriage. It is time for him to grow up.

A lot of ranting...I know, but as Lucky said, it is better to rant here then to him. To him, I am trying to let my best me shine as K said so maybe I can keep attracting him to just me. I am just scared it was never enough before when we first started dating before I lost my self-respect, why will now be different?

Thanks to anyone who comments or actually reads this because I am at a loss right now and probably need some 2x4's from those who have been here and advice so I can make it farther.