LOL rr22 - LR - I like your five point list, easier said than done though! I think I've gotten to number 2 only - working on the rest and how in the world do you think all those fabulous, heartfelt special handmade things aren't going to cut the mustard? That is amazing! I would fall to the ground and kiss your feet if I were him.
I'm not giving H anything and I'm not saying anything.I'm pretty sure if he does anything for me, and that is a huge IF, it's out of duty, not emotions. I appreciate duty, but I'd prefer heartfelt feelings. Since that's probably out, I'm going to just treat it like another consumer holiday.
H4L, on the subject of talking in marriages, if you haven't read this book I highly recommend it, I think it could have made such a difference if I had read it a year ago:
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
OMG yes I've read it. It's really great. I need to reread it. I get books from the library, so I don't always have the info lying around. Thanks flomom!
OH EB - we have made a lot of strides. I do see the progress. THank you. I must say the MC is what is turning this all around - of course accompanied by all the work I've done here to stay calm and set boundaries.
This week I am concerned with H's anger. I am working hard on my part = things I do, situations, topics, that set him off. STaying calm myself. ODP. Being careful with my words and my tone. But realizing how scary it is for S and I. Sometimes I wish I lived in a state where I could get more custody. I would really have to fight in court to get more than 50% custody.
I'm tired of his constant criticisms and yelling. At both me and S. However, from reading my last thread, I can see that he is gaining more awareness and self control, if slowly. That gives me hope. I just want him to be nice! In the meantime, I worry how S and I are going to be treated - that eggshell walking.
Luckily, even though he technically "has" S 50% per our Legal Separation AGreement, as an at home mother I have S most of the time. H has backed out of weekends almost completely which would have infuriated me in the past, but now I'm relieved. I know S will have a more stable time with me and I enjoy being with him. I don't trust his father to stay calm.
The MC is bringing up that it matters HOW H talks to me. He is trying to get him to see how the anger and resentment is seething through. It is just the crucial issue for me. I need H to work on being polite and with a considerate, calm tone with both S and I. He is quite defenisve right now about it, but I do see him trying - more than in my early thread!
But, its my main goal. Not just "getting him back". But getting back a man who puts kind words and tones as a priority because it matters how his wife and child feel. If he can't get this, I will have to D, for my own sake. I will half to limit H's time with S until he can be more trustworthy emotionally. It's all so messed up.
I always get nervous before H shows up - it's his night tonight. I'm going to another rehearsal, so I hope H is ok with S.
It's not just you and your relationship. It's whether he's working on his anxiety and mood issues in IC or on his own as well. Whether he's willing to read and think about any of those self soothing materials etc.
I dealt with a lot of anger/criticism from H before the S, and it was also being directed to my children, which was super disturbing. I know the feeling of walking on eggshells. I think the rage/anger was part of what drove H to move out...he didn't want to be that person any more.
Your H has to stop his angry behaviours because it's toxic, and I'm glad that that's being addressed in your MC.
Something I read in one of the books struck me though. How when I am expecting my H to be in an angry or bad mood (justifiably!), I unconsciously tense up. Instead of coming home to a smiling, relaxed partner me who is open and curious, H was coming home to a tense, frowning, closed, avoiding me. I was walking on eggshells, but it was self-perpetuating because I didn't give him a reason to be in a good mood and I didn't look happy to see him.
The how to improve your R book recommends this one if you're dealing with a lot of angry behaviours in M: You Don't Have to Take it Anymore
Last edited by flowmom; 02/11/1010:35 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm glad that you made it to MC. I think that's great. It sounds like your H needed someone to make him take a look at himself too.
I wonder sometimes how much progress has been made in my sitch. W has said that she wants to save out family, but doesn't seem too interested in doing that sometimes. She still talks to me like I am a "buddy" and she's a high school girl most of the time.
She was persuing, but it seems to have slowed in the past couple of days.
We'll see how it goes.
I'm traveling for work today. I'm not quite as resentful today. I miss her.
I may have to get the book being discussed above too.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Hey all, rr22 - good point. He has found an IC he really likes whom he started seeing when he started in MC with me. I believe they are working on his anxiety/ mood issues. Thanks for the reminder that this can give me hope.
flowmom - I love that book, I'm going to check it out at the library tomorrow! I'm also working on my expectations/attitude when H comes around. It's weird because sometimes I can try to be as calm and pleasant as pie and he is just on a rampage. Other times, he is calm, and I'm all wound up with anxiety and fear. I'm trying to give H the benefit of the doubt lately - instead of being suspicious I'm acting "as if", instead of being hurt and rejected, I'm reminding myself he's making changes and he's still around, etc. Definitely helps. I think MWD talks about this too - it's the "AS IF" stuff. Act as if you're in a loving committed relationship, that your H loves and adores you, etc, and you won't walk in on the defensive. You'll be warmer.
EB - I've been catching up on your sitch. I think there is definitely hope for you guys but the irony is that you have to let go before she can come back. you're doing it! She has to know you're not her buddy or her sex pal when she's lonely. She'll get it. It takes a loooooooooooong time.
