I have been reading your boards for a week. So happy to have found you all and so sad that anyone else would feel for a moment the way I have for a month.
Here's my story. My H left 1/18 saying he didn't think we could fix things anymore. We'd gotten into an argument on 1/17 at 11pm as I'd found some things on his computer that are not okay. We've been through a lot and were not connecting for months, maybe years. It was touch and go, and I could feel something was wrong. I remember begging him since this summer when we were fighting once a month to "just say it" "if you don't want this, then say it because I'm not going to make it easy on you, if you are trying to make me leave, I'm not going, I don't want this." He would say, I've never questioned how I feel about you, but I don't know why we keep coming back here. We'd figure we needed to do more together but things would go right back to how they were, him on the computer, me watching tv and us taking care of the kids separate, your night, my night.
Recently he has said, I love you and care about you that was never the problem. He is unhappy, he's been unhappy and he says he didn't have an affair, but would have if he could have. Not sure about EA, he is talking physical. He does not say anything but, I don't know. I say, What do you want-IDK. What do you think a separation means, IDK. He said at times he'd feel unattached, and at times things were good so he'd say to himself, okay this will be fine.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Okay so to continue..... 1 week after he left he said he wanted to try counseling. We talked for a week, but I was very emotinal and did everything wrong. I did admit what I'd done wrong in the M, how I'd not met his needs, etc. We talked about reading His Needs, Her Needs and discussing that weekly. We talked about finding some help and finding a place to start. I went ahead and found a couples retreat...it is for people who are deciding whether or not to get divorced. I sent him the link and talked to him about it. He had about 4 days to look over the material and then I got frustrated. He asked me to go to counseling, but by week 3 he hadn't made any effort to find it. I need to spend time with him, he said, I think that's important, but won't tell me when. So I was just getting frustrated with the no follow through, and it wasn't moving how I wanted it (I know big mistake). So we argued- he says I need some time to catch up, we are on different levels, and I'd say I need compromise here. On and on. Then we decided to leave it for a few days. Thursday of last week I finally said, listen, I can't sit around and wait for you to throw me a bone. You want to talk to me, you want to keep me hanging on and in your life while you decide if you even want to try. That's not okay in my world. I am not giving up, but when you decide what you want to do about "us" let me know. He said, I understand, I can't ask you to wait while I figure out what's wrong with me. If he knew what was wrong with him then we'd fix it, but again he just doesn't know. He said, it's not closure and it's not healing! So frustrating. One week it's we need to talk and do this and do that, the next week it's I don't know why I am trying and I need to make sure it's for the right reasons.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
To finish.... Monday was my birthday, he got me a card from the kids and that hurt but at least he got me something right? A counselor called me and we set up a time to meet yesterday. I called my H and said, I am here and I want to work on this. The only thing I need you to do for me is tell me if this isn't what you want. I won't ask and I don't want you to tell me when your waffling. He said of course. Went to counselor, she is going to call him to set up an appt. He said he'd go himself, but has not commited to MC. He just won't say anything. I don't know what to think or do. He was here last night to see kids. It went great, he hugged me before he left. Today he is a little quiet. How do you deal with the mixes signals, mixed messages? I am so confused. If I knew why he was unhappy, or what is it about our M that scares him. Any insight good or bad is needed and appreciated.
I should have mentioned. We have a D12 and S3. We had D at 21. We met at 20 and were married at 27. We are both 34 and have been together for 13 years.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
He sounds alot like my H with the back and forth and distant behavior. You really have to consider your H is having an affair - even an EA for sure. That's what it seems like to me.
Did you get the DB book? start reading and read up here at others' situations. I'm really sorry you're going through this. We all understand.
Stop pursuing your H and work on yourself. The more you lean towards him the more he will pull away.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
I do consider it. I just don't know how to find out for sure.
Why doesn't he just let me go, he left and said he was done for a week! Why even bother asking me to go to counseling, he had his out, why not take it? So frustrating. My counselor yesterday said the same thing as you though.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Patience...soul searching...patience....acceptance of your own shortcomings...patience...gal'ing...patience....180's..patience
In other words time....being honest and truthful to yourself first by looking inside and doing an honest evaluation of your strengths and weaknesses. Then improving those weaknesses by gal'ing and 180's which will also be making your strengths stronger. Sounds like your marriage is far from lost (bumpy with a possible affair) but the work starts with yourself.
