I've been reading along here for a few months and can't express strongly enough how inspired by some of the stories here.
Dance Queen - reading your posts has clarified for me a journey that I've been on for several years and I kind of knew what was happening – but not quite. Your experiences have enabled me to put mine in perspective and understand so much more about what's been going on for me.
OK - in short
I left my marriage about 4 years ago. I didn't really realised until I started reading here that it was a SSM. We had sex. Maybe once a week … but it was mechanical and quick. There was very little intimacy. During the last couple of years of our marriage, foreplay would consist of my xH rolling over on Sunday morning and suggesting I read a chapter of erotic literature (to myself) to get in the mood – 5 minutes of perfunctory sex – then on the road for the day.
I’d had partners before my xH and knew it could be better – and it was reasonably passionate in the beginning to be fair – but I put up with it because … well for all the old reasons … I really cared about him, we were great friends, we had a lot of fun together, our investments were all interwoven, our families connected, I raised his 2 sons with him. He is older than me, so I wondered if his interest in sex was waning because of his age (and I was in my early 30s at the time – so was really just coming into my own sexually and emotionally - he had just turned 50). At one stage I tried to talk to him about it – but he shut down. It was horrible.
I hung in there for quite a while … but it was killing me. I had a couple of one-night stands outside of the marriage and an affair that lasted for a few months. I justified those experiences on the basis that he wouldn’t even notice (he actually did notice, and asked me about it at one stage, but I denied it). To this day I’ve never told him.
I’m attractive and successful and on paper figured I had all the attributes required in a wife … but not to my husband. My self esteem was at rock bottom and (what I now understand was) our lack of intimacy seemed to be affecting every part of my life. I wish I’d had the skills I’ve learned since then. I could have done so much more to save my marriage … but I just didn’t have these resources. I also wonder if he would have been motivated to work on it with me. I suspect I knew intuitively that he wouldn’t.
Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done … it’s taken a long time to recover. I remember when I told my mother I was leaving him she told me “go home, cook dinner, and live with it. Good women have hard lives and marriage is for keeps” No one gets divorced in my family – my family were ashamed. I guess I was a bit ashamed too.
He shacked up with a woman very quickly after I left and the boys lived with me for another year before we spit assets etc. He said he had to move into a new relationship because “he couldn’t live alone”. That stung. Made me wonder if he’d only been married to me because “he couldn’t live alone”.
But I guess the real reason I’m writing here is because now that I’m on the road to recovery … and I’ve read here what’s possible in terms of real emotional intimacy between two people, I’m just wondering what took me so long?? Ya know? Why didn’t I understand this before?
Since I left my marriage, I’ve had 2 monogamous relationships (of about a year each) and the sex was great, but I haven’t connected intimately. Part of that may be just wanting to play around for a while … part of it, I suspect is that I chose those men-boys (they were both several years younger than me) precisely because I’m avoiding that intimacy in some way??? I don’t really know why I do that.
Now, I’m having a gorgeous friendship with a man who I connect with emotionally. Perhaps more intimately than any friendship I’ve made since those girl-crushes you get when you’re a teenager (you know that sort of friendship with a girlfriend where you talk all day then talk all night on the phone and never run out of stuff to say)?
We’re both on unaccompanied postings in the Foreign Service living at opposite ends of the country we’re posted to – and he’s married. He rarely talks about his wife and I feel very uncomfortable that we both seem to be seeking emotional intimacy (it’s a little bit flirtatious, but not sexual) from each other (in a way I’d really hate if I was his wife) … but I’m letting it continue … and I know that’s unhealthy. I know it’s not appropriate to be having such a gorgeous friendship with a man who is married. I know I should have clearer boundaries for this man – not take his several calls a day … but here I am.
I justify it that he must have problems in his marriage if he’s living away from his family (it’s a weird job for a family man). He mustn’t be happy if he’s so keen to seek me out. I even tried telling myself yesterday that his personal life is none of my business and I’m not doing anything wrong – his marriage is not my responsibility? Right? Yeah – I know it’s not right. I also know from reading here how vulnerable some men can be if they’re not getting their needs met at home … and clearly I’m vulnerable too. It’s not healthy – I get that.
Apart from all that … I have done a lot of “work-on-myself”. I’m happy now. I enjoy my own company. My career is going gang-busters. My family have accepted my decisions and I have amazing friends and colleagues. My step-children remain an important part of my life. My xhusbands family and I still have a good relationship. I love my life. I love my independence and being the only decider of my fate.
So I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just venting and wondering, and hoping that I’ll get healthy enough to attract a man like the new husband Dance Queen describes. But I do wonder – is that the norm? Certainly in my recent experience – it seems possible to have
1. material and social security provided in a marriage 2. great sex; or 3. emotional intimacy …
but putting them all together seems rather like a pipe dream ….
