Right now your definition of 'success' is very narrow and limited to: Getting back together with your wife, and a wonderful marriage with sex and romance on demand.
And no one here with any ammount of time under their belt uses that definition as success.
Some of the best advice comes from people who are no longer married to their MLC former spouses.
They are successes because of who they became, not who they are with.
Was anyone here at fault in any of this? Their MLC?...more than likely, which straw breaks the camels back? Just the last one? Or could it be the first one?
The decline of the marriage? Despite protests from some to the contrary...definately. Absolutely.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks Jack for the reality check. I only joined in Jan but this has been going on since Oct so it's been a few months. I need to start listening to everyone re: detach and GAL. I try man but it is tough. I feel humiliated by the A's and find that these are tough to get over, especially when you feel like you are the only one trying here. I try to be the best dad I can be but I do feel like I may have taken on too much housework in an effort to show her that I understand her need for her own "identity". I need to come up with a better game plan.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Read what Michelle talks about. You are the only one working on the M. That is why you are here. To DB. If you were both working on it then it would be easy.
I wouldn't enable her to do anything. Its one thing to prove that you are a good dad or H but to enable her or to be a doormat. NO!
Jack...I really like that 4:35 post. To the point and so true.
E-As you will eventually learn...in your current marriage or another....there is no success in marriage. Success really means that you have reached an end goal....were as marriage is a continual work in progress. Go into your past...you can probably say that you didn't work on your relationship constantly. Then go look on the piecing board and see how much work they put into their marriages daily. Then go visit a long time married old couple.....and you will see that they to are still working on their relationship. To love some one, especially unconditionally, is a verb and not a noun. An action which we must express and hopefully get in return.
One other point that is purely to you Eric. You mention housework. I had illusions of what it took to maintain a household. Yeah I helped out by mowing the lawn, occasionally cooking or cleaning....but those are illusions. When I took over the housework completely....I was keeping busy to help her...as weeks turned into months I realized just how tiring maintaining a house is. After years of it...I am burnt out from it, but I have been doing it on my own for myself. The added bonus is that I now know what it takes to be the one maintaining the house and no longer do I live in the illusion that I was pulling enough weight. So I say embrace it all...live like she isn't there (Don't take care of her stuff...make dinner, but that is it and NO special dinners for her) and do it all. At worst you will feel a moment of achievement and at best you will gain an understanding.
OP - Thanks I need to pick up one of Michelle's book. Do you recomend DB or DR?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks Jack. FWIW you, OP and the rest of the folks that have responded have been a blessing to me. Now that I have calmed down I can see the changes that have been taking place in me. I am much more controlled (although I do still get upset) and think before I open my mouth, which I did not do last night for the record. In no small part because of everyone's response. As I sit here I realize that I do not want my marraige to end I just need to realize that this is somewhat out of my control. The only thing that I can control is being a good Dad, become a better person and chaning the controling habits of my past. I know that I will have good days and bad days but I also know that I can count on you guys to keep me in line and keep my expectation real, which right now they are not. My marraige did not break in 6 months and it will not get fixed in 6 months. Keep the advice coming.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks Lost - As I thought about your post yesterday I realized that the underlying issue I was having was jealousy. I am jealous that she appears happy and to have this care free attitude yet I am busting my hump to do everything. I still struggle with if I should stand up for myself but I just feel like doing so would come across as "control". If she is a MLCER's then this approach would not work. I am going to pick up the DR book today and start studing my butt off. I'm almost sure that she is a MLCER so that I think the only option available to me is to detach and GAL. Thanks again.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
