I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[talia]

I don't know how I feel about him. Part of me would give ANYTHING to have him home. Most of me is just DONE. I have a HUGE list of things he would have to do before I would even CONSIDER reconciling and I just don't see how in the world he would ever man up and do them.

I think more than anything I'm living in the dream that I want to go back to the good times - when we first got married and it was us against the world - we were SO in love. I also recognize that it won't ever be THAT again.

I'm sick of being attached to such an immoral person - I deserve so much better than this. Its been 6 months... best I can tell he's getting worse, not better. He's done nothing to improve himself, and apparently he doesn't think he needs to. He's perfect.

I suppose if he asked I would give it a go, but halfheartedly at this point. I don't know if I could ever trust him, I don't know if I could ever feel safe in this relationship. I'm starting to see the great possibilities to starting new now - the potential of finding a new partner and developing a new relationship. I'M such a better partner now than I ever could have been before.

The hill to reconciliation is starting to look like Everest and I'm not a sherpa.... I'm sitting at base camp wondering "what was I thinking, I just don't know if I'm up for this"

T