In a word, guilt. When you cry, he still feels like a hero and he can save the day (in his twisted mind, he really does feel like he's a good guy here.) But when you're doing great, it validates his twisted view that everything is your fault because everything is going your way. I'm convinced they really do want to punish you, because you're the bad guy -- wrong as in unsuitable and incompatible for them, wrong in the way you've treated/controlled/bullied/whatever them.
They are emotionally all over the place, so don't get sucked in. Act with authenticity -- but pull yourself together.
You have hurt your partner in some way they consider offensive enough to warrant retaliation.
Rather than taking the high ground and going to Family Therapy, they decide to start an affair.
A LOT of this is subconscious. They would never admit to wanting to hurt you... but I agree with Susan. A LOT of the affair is driven by suppressed rage at the spouse for things they have done. The AFFAIR aggravates the actual offenses into something epic.
The affair will play with your spouses mind into thinking you are the anti christ and their behaviour is perfectly acceptable.
The passive aggressive behaviour is there, and its legit in my opinion, but no one having an affair would likely admit to it being an act of vindictiveness designed to hurt. In my opinion they aren't even aware that it is themselves.
SOME know it for sure, but I think a lot of WS having affars just let their impulses take control and they just start doing things... the subconscious has taken over full force at that point.
They want to hurt you, but they can't do anything criminal, so they cheat and lie instead... which is viewed by the media in many cases as beautiful and romantic instead. So they get to do something romantic and hurt you at the same time... in their view its a win win. The conscious thinks they are in love, the subconscious is satisfied they are doing maximum damage.
But as I said before, and I think Susan seems to concur... You need to IGNORE him. You are fixated on every eyebrow movement as some sign of info for you.
INTEL is important yes, but NOT from his mood. His MOOD will tell you nothing because its spiking day to day. Forget using his mood to measure your success... that's a road to ruin for you.
SusanA & Allen A, It's like you know my H personally. What Allen explains is how I feel my H is thinking. Even his mom said it's like he is punishing me and hurting me on purpose. I do think he is starting to feel very guilty about what he is doing. Not just for how it's hurting me, but also because it's not his nature. Before the alien took over, my H was a very loyal man, who I would have never suspected doing something like this. He is having a very hard time dealing with how he has hurt himself.
nikblondiw, Last night went fine. No real contact with H other then in passing with exchanging the kids. He is defiently starting to linger more before he leaves. No luck on finding OWH yet, but my cousin is working on tracking him down for me, and she feels she is getting close. With knowing where his parents live and having their phone number. I think it's just a matter of time before we track him down.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb, everyone is trying to tell you that your H is just following "the script"! All waywards become like aliens we don't know. This is normal behavior for a wayward. We can predict what he will probably do, because we know "the script"! (There is a even a book titled "The Script" on this same topic. I suugest you read it. You will think it was written by you and your H)
When he feels you are distancing yourself from his drama, he will move closer until he is sure you are at a comfortable (for him) distance and turn the other way. YOU are cooperating with him in the dance! Refuse to dance with him!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
