Too late for a huge response, but really weird nsw.... How bout this: as for texting, don't text her and ask how her day went even with permission, make her do the pursuing. As for the lunch, accepting an invite is good, but keep it at a family level with a bit of distance from the W. Don't let her get too close either. This sounds really good though, like things are actually working, just make sure you don't jump the gun.
Yeah weird about sums it up. And it makes me a bit leery as to her motives...I mean the day before yesterday, while she was extremely pissed off, she still said she just wanted to be left alone, that we're done, etc. and that it was getting annoying to the point that she was thinking of calling the cops for a R.O. Then the next morning it's ok for me to call and text and she throws on a "but thats all for now" and she's not making promises?
Makes me very suspicious. I hate to be that way given how much I love her...but since I cant read her mind, I dont know if she is setting me up or if what happened on Tuesday gave her some small perspective about how her life would be if I wasnt in it at all.
As for the food, it's snowing (again!! wtf) so if she brings it up I think I'm just gonna say the weathers too bad (even though it isnt really and I'm gonna make a run to the grocery here shortly). I mean who knows...I may sound paranoid but if I were to show up there to pick up the food, who's to say she wouldnt have the cops pull in behind me or something and then say I was stalking her. Again, I hate to be suspicious like that but a 180 like that from her puts me on edge.
Originally Posted By: stuck808
How about you try just ONE thing and see how that goes?
Well...how's this for trying one thing: Last night when she called D3, as with the night before I opened the phone and took it over to D3 without saying hi or anything to the ex. While she was on the phone my ex made it a point to say how bored she was at work (because of the snow...lack of customers) with even a few moments of awkward silence in the conversation (where I would usually jump in to "rescue" her). Anyway, she finished talking to D3 and I think we may have said "bye" to one another...not sure.
I'm almost positive she brought up her being bored to solicit a response from me. Under normal circumstances, if she were bored at word I'd be calling and texting because I felt bad.
I will admit the urge was there, to send her an email with jokes, or just ask how it was going, but I successfully fought off that urge as I knew that was the opposite of what felt right...the opposite of what I would normally do.
I hope I can stay strong and continue to fight the urge to rescue her from something she doesnt need rescuing from...to allow her to face the consequences of her actions (in this case boredom with none of the usual cheering up from me).
To me that seems like a good baby step in the way of detaching and becoming "codependent no more".
"By the way...I am doing the right thing by not going to get food from her if she offers today, right...or am I misreading things?"
I think we've established that you've been "misreading" things for awhile. What happened to NO CONTACT?
BTW, you not acknowledging your W's presence when you gave your D the phone wasn't being in NC. It was being rude.
You act pleasant and nice when she is around, but you do not go out of your way to contact her. Has there been a day so far that you haven't talked to her?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Has there been a day so far that you haven't talked to her?
I'm not sure if you mean is there a day where I havent contacted her? Because we see each other every day for D3 exchanges except Thursday(today) and she calls on that day to talk to D3.
In fact she called just now but didnt mention the food so I didnt either. I answered, said hello, she asked what I was doing, I told her, asked what was wrong as I sounded moody, I told her I was tired, she wanted to know why I was tired and if I slept well. I told her I never sleep well (since she left). She told me she called to talk to D3 and she did. She said thanks and she'd talk to me later. I said ok and bye.
You claim you love this woman with all your heart yet you are suspicious of her every move, you are rude to her and you seem to go out of your way to make things worse.
NONE OF THAT IS EVEN CLOSE TO DETACHING.
Failing to use decent phone manners makes you a jackass, not detached.
Being detached means your partner's behavior has no positive or negative impact on your life AT ALL.
Time after time in your thread you have said "who is there for me?". Well, you are. Plain and simple.
If you would go dark but remain polite and civil, stop obsessing and chattering about your partner, *really* work on you and stop trying to find a way to "win" your W back then you would not have to worry about what she is planning as you won't be involved.
You and your partner both have LOTS of growing up to do. Neither of you know how to self soothe or stand on your own two feet. Your partner has proven that by involving herself in an "exit affair" and you have proven that by clinging on to your partner despite all the toxicity in the R.
Right now your partner simply cannot exist in your mind as a partner. She must exist as a co-parent and I am not even certain you remotely understand what that means.
Every decision you make (getting food, clearing the driveway, not being civil on the telephone) does not need to be some grand *thing*.
I am sorry but this entire situation is nuts. You and your partner are playing a game and you both know it. You want the game to end then STOP. Go dark, really learn about detachment, work on you FOR REAL and stop all this BS.
You do not have the tools to exist in a healthy R. You are being blessed beyond belief to have so many people trying to help you obtain the tools. Take it or leave it. Don't mask "self improvement" though as a mere tactic to get your partner back.
You know that she called to talk to your D. Then fine. Next time she calls, just tell her "I'll get D for you". That's it. No chit chat. Don't even get on the phone after D is done. Just let her hang up.
If she calls you back saying she needed to talk to you about something, don't respond back.
It's not rocket science but you have to START SOMEWHERE.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Right now your partner simply cannot exist in your mind as a partner. She must exist as a co-parent and I am not even certain you remotely understand what that means.
I just googled co=parenting and was reading several sites on it...and for some reason the more I read the angrier I got.
The main reason being...having to "co-parent" is a crock given that she left, because if she hadnt left, it wouldnt even be necessary.
It just really eats at me that she gets to leave and have a care free life and in addition to the personal crap I'm going through just by her leaving I have to continue to go through more crap on top of that. It's like it doesnt end for me.
Co-parenting is about YOUR DAUGHTER yet you never mention that aspect of co-parenting. It's all about your partner.
Yes, your partner left. 90% of the people on this site have been dumped and left. Join the club. You gloss over WHY she left. It sounds to me like you had a very unhealthy R with your partner and that certainly is NOT a good way for a child to be raised. Now you have decided to continue that trend by being pissed you have to co-parent.
You are going through "personal crap" and so is your partner.
As far as you saying "it doesn't end for me". Well, keep thinking that. You have the choice to end it but you are choosing not to.
All this whining is really getting on my nerves. Yes, you got dumped. WE ALL DID. Yes, it sucks. WE ALL KNOW HOW IT FEELS.
Maybe it eats at your W she has to co-parent with you. Ever think of that?
