Good job on separating the wheat from the chaff. Because it is a stew made in a dirty pot. Before renewing a failed relationship, clean the the cauldron... both of you. Issues of trust and fear of hurt are magnified tenfold for both parties.. because you know how much you can each love each other and how much you each can hurt each other. And when stung each party has the potential to fall back into old patterns (which are hurtful and nonproductive).
If you're over with it.. fine. But tell her what bothered you without blaming her. "When you didn't respond to my text, I felt insulted because it was impolite not to." (Or at least that's how I read it.)
Boil what's bugging you down to the essence and look at it from outside of the box. And then look at yourself. Once again.. it's not about them.. it's about learning to be the best.. in mind, body and soul.. you can be, the person you're meant to be.
Texting during vacations, in a different country with different rates are a different story. And you're upset. Step away from the computer, do something.. a walk, exercise, something.. and come back later. Take time to think.
*hugs*
Originally Posted By: OhGodNotAgain
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Excuses?
Successful relationships are built on trust and respect. If you have a firm sense of where you each stand, then things flow without negative assumptions, like your first line of thought.. that she was too busy to respond, no biggie.
Trouble happens with a sense of rejection. Or your "bulls!t" meter going off. If it's an issue and money is a problem of hers, call her hotel or email and deal with it directly. Is it a tempest in a teapot or more? If you're feeling uneasy about what she may be doing, it comes down to trust.
So.. look at your actions, rather than hers.. and figure out what truly bothered you. If it comes down to blaming her, reword stating how her actions effected you.
It's not about making excuses for the other spouse, it's about learning to stand on your own two feet and taking accountability for your actions.
Thanks Gypsy, that's a really useful post. It's a combination of things, I think. I'm angry with her because I think her behaviour was rude (despite everybody on here apparently thinking it's normal) and, no, I don't trust her much. I don't want to get hurt again and I'm more than happy to knock it on the head right now. It was a bad idea anyway.
Last edited by Gypsy; 02/11/1004:38 PM. Reason: .. updating post...
It's one thing to have expectations, and another to make them hidden demands.
Here is something to think about:
If the orders are unclear and commands not explicit it is the general’s fault if they do not obey. But if the orders are clear and explicit it’s the subordinate officer’s fault. Sun Tzu
So are you the general or the officer?
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I don't know why I am still responding to you. No one in their right mind would. But when I go out of the country, I don't want anyone calling or texting me long distance unless it's an emergency. "How is your day?" is not an emergency. You OBVIOUSLY are needy and dependent and craving attention. As a woman I would have nothing to do with someone who acts the way you do. I think people who stay home and expect daily attention from a person on vacation on the other side of the world are beyond rude.
I don't know why I am still responding to you. No one in their right mind would. But when I go out of the country, I don't want anyone calling or texting me long distance unless it's an emergency. "How is your day?" is not an emergency. You OBVIOUSLY are needy and dependent and craving attention. As a woman I would have nothing to do with someone who acts the way you do. I think people who stay home and expect daily attention from a person on vacation on the other side of the world are beyond rude.
Well if you don't know why you're responding to me then I'd suggest you simply don't.
You've clearly missed most of the FACTS. You're an idiot.
What you perceive as facts are not necessarily so.
You have explained your thinking; others have responded with their own observations and suggestions. Instead of listening to us, you're doubling down on your original assertion.
You say your wife should have known that it was rude to ignore you, but you don't see what we are trying to say about how healthy, open communication needs to flow both directions.
Maybe she was unintentionally rude. Maybe she blew you off because she sees what we're beginning to see, that you have issues with controlling behavior.
And name-calling isn't going to endear you to ANYONE here.
We're not servants to come when you call and validate your thinking on demand; many of us are struggling with our own lives and relationships and using this forum as a means of support, and a few people here are generous enough to continue to give their time and expertise to us when they could be off enjoying their healthier, restored relationships.
Remember, you came to us for advice. Don't blame us if you don't like what you hear.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Don't ask the question if you don't want to hear an honest answer. We all have people we can go to if we want someone to blow smoke up our butts. We come here for truth telling.
Your XW wasn't wrong to ignore the texts. She told you the truth, and then you badgered her. You came across as needy and whiny and controlling. If you don't trust her enough to believe what she says, then why are you getting involved with her again?
And calling people names on this site is both unacceptable and unwarranted. People have donated their time and thought to you, and you respond with, "Yeah, but..."
This is a great site if you are open to seeing things differently. Or, if you don't like what you're hearing from the people who post to you, you can just listen to your own advice. You know, 'cause that's working for you.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I also want to leave you with a question that makes for a great meditation. It was an absolute gift from a friend, and it can transform your life if you're open to it. Ready?
Would rather be right or happy?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I also want to leave you with a question that makes for a great meditation. It was an absolute gift from a friend, and it can transform your life if you're open to it. Ready?
Would rather be right or happy?
SD
I'd rather be right AND happy.
As for calling Lotus an idiot, she is. Her post is very rude about me and she makes a bunch of statements which she assumes which because they apply to her she assumes apply to my ex.
