The Quickest Divorce on record--was it a mistake?

[elscotto]

On advice of someone that's been here longer than me I am posting this over here where there is more traffic.

The background of my original post is here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

I am confused to whether its normal for me to be feeling the way I am right now. I swear I was more "okay" with this divorce a month ago than I am now and I am wonderinging why that is. Now it seems like I feel this enormous loss over everythhing and it seems like I can't go anywhere without seeing something thats a reminder of our lives together.

If this is just normal I don't want to confuse it with some intent or desire to get back together. If its right that we are never to be together again I want to seriously disengage. Some days I want to be nice to her and some days I just want to treat her with studied politeness and like a business associate--polite, friendly, and in no way personal. It tends to PO her when I do the latter. On the other hand I don't want her to think when I am nice to her it somehow means I am okay with what she has done because I am not.

I am feeling very schizophrenic right now.

Thanks for any opinions.

[CityGirl]

What you are feeling is normal.

Divorce takes a very long time to heal from. Most people may initially feel a "high" (a sense of relief the stress, conflict, legalities and all the trappings a divorce brings are over) but eventually reality sets in.

A marriage is one, if not the most, significant R you will ever have in your life. People tend to ignore the "science" that goes along with divorce but the facts remain... while 50% of marriages end in divorce more than 60% of people regret divorce. The timeline of regret is different for everybody.

And regret certainly is situational. Regret surrounding affairs, dishonesty, lack of communication, verbal/emotional abuse during the divorce proceedings and the general long term pain a divorce causes. Divorce is not a neat and tidy package no matter how rapid the process might be. The legalities might be over, neatly tied and filed away but the emotional side of divorce lingers long after the attnys are done.

Rushing to a divorce does not make the process less painful or the aftermath any easier. And most people learn that the very hard way.

My 2 cents.

[Bworl]

I think it's perfectly normal to still be processing the loss of your marriage.

Trust me when I tell you that your lawyer was most likely correct. You are far better off having done it quickly, especially when your wife was desperate to be done. If there is future reconciliation in the cards for the two of you, being divorced won't stop it from happening.

Meanwhile, you need to take as long as you need to go through all the different feelings you are having. A long term marriage that suddenly ends is probably as traumatic as the death of a loved one. There is no shame in struggling with thoughts/emotions.

Personally, I wouldn't spend much time pondering your wife and her activities. It sounds as though she is deep into her fantasy life right now. Treat her respectfully and professionally, regardless of how she feels about it. There is nothing mean about being business-like. Your relationship is different now.

If you are anything like I was, being friends with an ex-wife is just not something that can happen. I make my goal to be "friendly" with my ex, and for the most part we seem to be able to do that. Fortunately, I don't see mine very often, so not much of an issue.


Anyways, sorry for what you've been through, but I think you've made out well given all that has transpired. There are many on this board right now who would almost kill to have the clean break with favorable conditions that you got.


Live your life. Let it unfold as it will.


Blessings,

Bill

[elscotto]

Bill, thank you for the feedback I really appreciate it.

I think she is still in fantasy land but maybe not as much as she used to be. Something has changed and I think she is realizing that there is a different reality today than what she thought she might have when she first pushed this idea to fruition. I guess what bothers me to some small extent is that I am frustrated to think that she might want some reconciliation at some point down the road and that will be after I have moved on and the sitch is reveresed now in that I would like to undo the damages today if possible and she would not. Its frustrating to watch.

You are right--I am came out of it soooooooo good. I like your line that a divorce decree will not stop anything thats supposed to happen. I just need to hear occasionally that I am not crazy thanks.

[Bworl]

Doing the right thing, acting the right way, taking the high road and choosing not to engage in controversy just to win...none of these things destroy.

If there is a hope inside of you that your ex will come out of her fantasy and one day want to try to restore what the two of you once had, all you really want to do right now is make sure that you don't destroy.

You don't have to give in. You don't have to let her have her way. You don't even have to hold back from decisions that you think might upset her, as long as you feel ok about the decisions being right and necessary.


Just don't destroy.


All the rest is up to whatever life sends your way. And her way.


My ex-father in law was divorced from my ex's mother for about a year. They eventually remarried, AFTER the mother finished going through all her crap. They remained married until she passed away.


It does happen.


The present is all about you making the most of what you've got. Live a life that you will look back on fondly.


It seems that over and over again, you will find on this board that eventually the future of the relationship winds up being in the hands of the spouse who was left behind. And it usually comes at a time when that spouse has moved so far forward that it's a genuine struggle for them to decide if they want to go back there or not.


Blessings,

bill

[elscotto]

Hmm you raise good points. I know I am being juvenile but she came back to me with a list of 30 or so items that she had labeled "marital property" meaning stuff she felt like should be split up or she should be compensated for. Things like a 10 year old weedeater and my toolbox, and a lawn edger and so forth. I don't feel like I should have to buy those things twice. Its not a huge amount of money that she wants--originally it was 13k and then I went through and assigned realistic values to a lot of it based on ebay and craigslist documentation I got it down to 3k or so and then started moving stuff to the "you take it if its worth that much" column for her. I hate the idea of her wanting some of the stuff and me knowing that she wants it because its something she wants to do with the OM--e.g. she wants a bike carrier. I am the only one thats used the carrier in 5 years--it so happens that the OM is in to bike riding. Phew I say--let them buy their own.

Why is she bothering with this stuff? She isn't a millionaire but she isn't far from it either in terms of assets and investments. I want to tell her that if she agrees to split the jewelry she got over the years from me and pay me bacck for the trip last summer to Asia then I'll consider it. So part of me wants to give it to her and tell her to please go away and part of me wants to say "no, on principle alone I am not comfortable with this" but I don't want to destroy as Bill puts it--this woman is going to be my kid's mom forever no matter if our marriage is finished or not.

Even though I have no legal right to do it I asked her to limit the time the OM spends around my boys. I don't want him ever being in a position of respect, authority, or friendship with them. He was instrumental in the role of turning their lives upside down. She has pretty much thumbed her nose at that by having little "get togethers" at her house of which he is a part and of course he stays late and is the last to leave after all the other guests have left.

It is right that I shouldn't worry about what she is doing and I don't for the most part unless it involves my kids then I go crazy. I don't ask to know --the kids just tell me such as "X, and Y, and Z, and W," came over the other night and they stayed really late and X didn't leave until 3 am....

I am dating other women, good looking, a good job, I work out and am in good physical condition. I don't have a life that sucks. I leave tomorrow AM to go to Scottsdale with a beautiful woman for the weekend and probably won't give the X a second thought throughout the weekend.

[elscotto]

So can some of you tell me the first signs you see of someone who is waking up with a little remorse and a "what have I done" mentality please?

I ask because her demeanor seems to change from day to day but the one thing I am noticing is that she seems to have less bounce in her step. She seems not to have that aloofness and air these days. I hadn't seen her for 2 weeks until last night and was warned by a mutual friend who saw her on the night before last that she looked empty. According to the friend she seemed to be really running on empty and not to have a look in her eye with any fight to it. Her ski n looks bad and she has a drawn look and seems to have lost more weight recently. I attributed it to a lot of drinking lately and my friend said she didn't think so. She said she looked empty.

So I met the EX at a kids school event for our 9 year old and I have to say she looked terrible. Since the divorce in early Oct she has always looked really good and arguably better than she had in years.

I am curious as to what all else you've seen. She has also starting being a lot nicer to me too and less combative and so forth. That could simply mean she is tired of fighting with me though and nothing more.

Thoughts?
Thanks!

[faithisbelieving]

You don't know how lucky you are. People get dragged out here for years in denial. FIB

[faithisbelieving]

As bworl said, don't look back at the aftermath but just keep going forward. The facts are: your wife lied openly to you and met someone clandestinely. She didn't say she made a mistake and wanted the marriage to work. She pushed by you and continued to see another man.

Keep your head up. Stay focused on your kids. Get them out and do things with them. You'll find that you are going to be fine.

FIB

[elscotto]

FIB--I posted this about 5 weeks ago. It is AMAZING the difference 5 weeks makes in the grand scheme of things. I am taking my 3 boys to Hawaii next week for their spring break. I cannot wait to have them unfettered with school, the Ex, etc.... for 10 whole days. Its going to be great.

I wonder what 5 more weeks yields for me ahead. I just can't believe how quickly this is moving for me--I thought the world would be cloudy every day for a year and something weird is happening and its NICE.

The bad thing is that since my attitude is changing/has changed I now am starting to enjoy my alone time more and don't "need" to be dating a woman. Why is that bad--because I will end up hurting someone in the process who has grown to be a very close friend and supporter in my life.

This board has just been amzing for me to understand that all the craziness in my life was so mapped as a part of a script.

Unbelievable.