Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

Do the best you can today, and some time soon you and W need to sit down and tell the girls what is happening. They need to know that divorce is happening. Also this may help with D10 and wanting W to go with you to Medieval Times.

I told D10 last night I'm not going to ask W to go. She asked if we could take her friend, Julie. I said yes.

I feel it is up to W to tell them we are getting divorced. This was her decision all along and I don't feel I ever really had a chance.

There's a line in the petition that "all efforts at reconciliation have failed." That frosts me. There have been zero efforts at reconciliation.

Meeting tomorrow with the L. Depending on what he says I'll have more banking stuff to do.

[mishka422]

"all efforts at reconciliation have failed."

That is a standard line in all D papers. It doesn't make it any easier, it doesn't make it true, it just is.

As far as her renigging on what she agreed to two weeks ago, did you get it in wrting from her then? If not, you are probably going to have to fight this tooth and nail in court unless she magically comes to her senses. She is in a very deep fog right now and is letting her circumstances overwhelm her. Yes, she created the circumstance with her decisions but she is not facing that right now. She is freaked out and you are the easiest punching bag for her to hit.

I'm not sure I understand how not being able to refinance the house in her name makes her only choice taking full custody of the girls. What is that about?

[Drew]

Don't sweat the language as hard as that is to do. I went ballistic when I saw the line about "repeated and extreme mental cruelty" which XW admitted wasn't true but was just a way to get around the mandatory two year waiting period in my state. She offered to take it out if I agreed to waive the waiting period. I refused. Interestingly enough, the final decree didn't include it.

Even though you don't want this, you are far from powerless in this situation. Don't let her bully or intimidate you into something you don't want to do. Sometime's glimpes of the reality of what things are going to be like post-D is enough to wake them up.

Standard advice around these here parts:

YOU work on standing for your marriage. Leave divorce up to the lawyers.

But lawyer up, cowboy.

Good luck.

[Cie la vie]

CTH,

I wonder if any of this runs through W's head?

I asked myself the same question to often about what my W is thinking and I've concluded it is self torture.

I really just want to go over there and say, it's me. The one you committed to love forever. We've made it through our parents deaths, D7's ADHD struggles, a flood, work troubles, friend troubles. I'm still here and I want to be your best friend. I've always wanted to be your best friend, I just struggle with how to do that. Help me. Tell me what you need because I need you more than you need me.

I know where you are coming from here. We are down to two more mediation sessions and our settlement should be hashed out. I sit in these sessions with the W across the table from me wondering if there is any part of her wishing this wasn't happening. Unfortunately I don't think so.

So asking her what you are considering asking your W above and pretty much knowing I won't get the response I want keeps me from doing it. I think the let down would be to much. Yet I also feel not asking isn't giving myself that last chance. What's the right answer? Hell I don't know.

[LolaL]

Just be careful what you ask. You have to be prepared for the answer. I cannot tell you how many times I asked the SG if he loved me, only to hear him say no. I eventually learned to stop asking.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm not sure I understand how not being able to refinance the house in her name makes her only choice taking full custody of the girls. What is that about?

She was trying to work out a deal where her mother paid off the second mortgage ($14,000) and W refinanced the rest. That would have put her well under the fair market value and dropped her payments $400 a month.

Then she wouldn't need so much from me.

Somehow the refinance fell through.

It may not have been a situation where it fell through or rather advice from her attorney not to refinance until after the D.

AFTER speaking with her attorney she tried to cancel the appraisal. The bank had already ordered the appraisal.

[ClingingToHope]

Just be careful what you ask. You have to be prepared for the answer. I cannot tell you how many times I asked the SG if he loved me, only to hear him say no. I eventually learned to stop asking.

I put the 48-hour rule into affect and did not text, call or email last night.

Instead, I started reading through my sitch page by page and it helped me feel better. I have come a long way. I'm trying to become "excited" about being free.

My girls are so great. I hope not to have to do it again, but they comforted me last night. It's just going to hurt so much not being able to be there for them every day.

But at least I have the flexible job where I can see them off the bus every day and pick them up from camp in the summer.

I was doing the math today. I see the girls every day after school and have them every Wednesday night. That means I get to spend at least an hour with them 195 days a year and 58 of those are overnights with every other Friday.

I have them every other weekend. That's another 52 overnights.

I have four weeks of vacation and take them all four. That's another 20 nights. She takes them for two and the other three or four -- depending on school starting -- I get them at least on Wednesdays and the alternate Friday. That's another six overnights.

So I'll see them 265 days a year and 136 of those are overnights. That doesn't count additional nights when W has to work late or summer days where I pick them up from camp.

The key will be making sure I have enough of an income to do things with them other than walking to the park -- although I love that as well.

[Drew]

Are you resigning yourself to giving her full custody with visitation?

[mishka422]

So is having sole custody going to net her more money? Is that her reasoning in this? I guess I'm pretty dense because I still don't get it.

[ClingingToHope]

Drew. No. I'll wait to see what my lawyer says but my contention will be that we essentially have joint physical custody right now when you factor everything in. The problem is if it comes down to a judge, judges in my county apparently don't order joint physical custody. They pick one parent or the other.

I guess tomorrow we'll talk about what bargaining chips I have to get her to agree to JPC so we don't have to spend thousands fighting it out.

Mishka, in Illinois the child support laws are cut-and-dried. If she wins sole physical custody then I owe her 28 percent of my net income every two weeks. That's $430 even though I essentially have them half of the time.

The only way it's less is if we come to our own agreement or she agrees to joint physical custody. In the second case, by law I wouldn't owe her child support. We'd just split expenses. I offered a couple of weeks ago about $240 every two weeks in child support plus splitting insurance premiums, daycare and summer camps.

I still would have ended up giving her $310 to $365 every couple of weeks. But at least I'd save $125 to $175 every two weeks.

She agreed as long as she could get the house thing taken care of. I'm not exactly sure what happened with the house, but I have my suspicions.