I am a big advocate of not being a wuss with a lying cake eater. But not being a wuss does not mean that you become an a$$hole out of anger.
My only experience in controlling finances was after I filed for a D. In that situation, I withdrew all the money from a substantial checking which had recently had my bonus and a mutual fund added to it before I filed. I gave her half of those funds and told her that was all she was getting for the time being. I cancelled all credit cards and opened new ones in my name only. I took her guns and gave them to a 3rd party. She had no access to the other accounts which were technically frozen because of the D filing. I agreed to pay all and anything related to the kids.
Was she pissed? Like a trapped tasmanian devil on crystal meth she was!!! But even those critters settle down after a while and she did likewise. In fact, she later told me that she admired the strength (or new set of balls) I had gained.
But your situation is different. They all are different. It is a delicate thing to put her on a budget controlled by you. But you know that you have to do it. I dont know the exact way you do it, but you need to come off as protecting your family's financial interest as opposed to controlling or punishing her.
I dont envy what you have to do. She could erupt in anger or she could try to guilt you or she could come up with more lies why she needs free reign of the finances or she could file for a D.
Are you planning to put the financial governor on before your trip?
I have a problem with your respect comment. Primarily because I am now very convinced that you are probably dealing with MLC.
Which means that while she may have lost respect for you, right now, she is not going to regain it.
Treat her with respect, compassion, and dignity. Be the bigger person in all of this.
I can understand your anger, frustration, and hatred of the lies.
Well, MLCer’s lie. It is the rule of thumb around here. They lie. My H even lies about if he ate or not. Why? Does that really matter to me, other than whether I put food away or leave it out? No. But they still lie away…. That is one of the things that you can expect while you are having no expectations LOL.
The budget, I would not call it an allowance or anything like that. If you give her x amount of dollars, because she needs x amount for rent, electric, etc…and you have given her some for wiggle room…
Well I might set a boundary, this is all I can give you, if you need more, you will have to find another resource. Why? You are supporting two households, you are getting ready to begin a new job, that contains a pay cut and you want to prepare to live within those means a month or two ahead of time. Something to that effect.
What you need to realize is that she will probably try to find every way around this that she can. Be ready to be consistent with your boundary. If the electric in her apartment is going to be shut off, don’t just hand her money. Make some other offer, the kids can stay with you until she can resolve it. Because it will be possible that she will pull at your heart strings through them too.
Honestly, this is only a maybe of what could happen, but if I had to do what you are, this is how I would do it. There comes a time, where you have to do what is not really easy. The consequences of this may be really bad. You just don’t know. And you have to be prepared for it.
The only other option, is to continue letting her run things, and just prepare to hit bottom with her financially. I am sorry that you are having to make these tough choices.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Well, MLCer’s lie. It is the rule of thumb around here. They lie. My H even lies about if he ate or not. Why? Does that really matter to me, other than whether I put food away or leave it out? No. But they still lie away…. That is one of the things that you can expect while you are having no expectations LOL.
So why do you suppose they DO lie about everything? I know my H is still lying or at least "fudging" the truth about stupid things too and I can't figure out the purpose. I can understand lies to cover an OP but the other stupid stuff? A control thing? A teenage mentality thing?
And this coming from the man who a couple of years ago told my S he would take his CD player away for life! if he caught him lying again.
B - sorry about the financial mess. I hear you. I am needing to have some kind of discussion with my H soon (now that he is actually a bit more rational these days) about finances and it is tough. He is the main bread winner but I have controlled the money for the past few years so it is kind of tricky. Wish I had advice, but I would expect anger from her. Just detach as much as you can from it until she calms down.
TF Said: So why do you suppose they DO lie about everything? I know my H is still lying or at least "fudging" the truth about stupid things too and I can't figure out the purpose. I can understand lies to cover an OP but the other stupid stuff? A control thing? A teenage mentality thing?
If any of you figure out the answer to this, please tell me. I have a suspicion it may have something to do with the depression aspect of it. Maybe. Because my H has D issues and I don't think MLC and he did not lie prior to this. I asked him for insight to the lying recently and he alluded to wanting to be able to control my opinions/views of him and his opinions/views of himself. It was very quick and confusing insight he offered, but I don't think it was a lie. BUt who knows? I think he is doing some things he doesn't understand or approve of and is judging hiimself and saying in his mind that I would judge him too. Maybe. It's like he is mindreading me to the extreme in my absence and then acting on his own assumption (and that assumption is himself, not me). Hope that made sense.
I asked him for insight to the lying recently and he alluded to wanting to be able to control my opinions/views of him and his opinions/views of himself.
I think there is a lot of truth in that statement. I know my H has been trying to "reinvent" himself and this is probably at least part of the reason.
In the long run, lying isn't easier because then you have a tangled web and you have to figure what you said to who and not get your stories mixed up. Craziness! I do find the lying highly annoying and have to really try to detach. It is hard because it is a behavior I don't tolerate in my kids but have to ignore in an adult.
It is funny because every once in awhile I may ask a casual question about work and I and just SEE his mind work for a bit to decide whether to tell the truth or not. Once recently I asked him something which I already figured the answer to and was going to be a pill and call his BS if he lied. Fortunately, he didn't.
I think lying is just part of "mental illness" In this case depression. It is a way to control your life. And to try to control the people around you. My secretary's DIL is bipolar(undiagnosed) and all she does is lie. I don't think she ever tells the truth. You could ask her what she ate for breakfast and the answer would be a lie. I don't think all MLC'ers lie. Just like I know all bipolar people don't lie. My d23 doesn't lie. My W doesn't lie. She rewrites history but no lying. Not intentionally.
