Hi peace- I'm still riding the rollercoaster even with NC. As I posted before, there are times I feel at peace with everything and then something will hit me off and I will have a mini-meltdown. Inconsistancy seems to be the only consistancy I have.
I still sometimes have difficulty understanding how my H can say he loves me and even misses me yet he makes no effort to contact me. I know it is the depression/withdrawal/avoidance but it is still sometimes so difficult for me to understand. I've been re-reading the archives and looking up information on depression. It helps for awhile but then I go back to not understanding. Why?
I had a bad day yesterday at the office, I came home and my kids had been in a huge fight, I think my father is depressed after his seizure and my mother is having some continuing health issues. At one point in the day, I thought about trying to contact my H. I really needed him to put his arms around me for a little while but I didn't do it.
I still vasilate on whether or not to push for the D. Currently, my decision is to wait. I need to spend time with my parents and my D who will be off to college in a year and a half. For now my decision is that I don't really have to time to try to start a new relationship so what is the point of pushing for the D? In a way, this feels like a step backwards like I am still in limbo and I don't like that. In my heart, I still want my H to come home though I am not always sure why. I am trying to live my life like he is not coming back but it isn't that easy. I have really missed my H the last few days.
I'm still not sure what to do with my H's things that he has at my house. He has a lot of clothes here, all fairly new, purchased post-bomb. He left Christmas gifts, even the gift his D gave him. He has many personal items and pictures here but I guess none of it matters to him. When he left after telling me he was "freaking out" about moving back, he told me to give his things to the Goodwill. He knows I wouldn't do that. Does he think if he leaves his stuff here, there is still a connection to me? I know it is just more of the avoidance but I would think he would want at least some of his things. Should I box up all his things and store it them in the garage until he is ready to get them?
I have tried to justify my H's NC telling myself that he is doing it for me. After all, I did tell him to let me go and that I deserve someone who is 100% sure about having a relationship with me. I told him I needed to move forward in my life with or without him. Am I just fooling myself that he is staying away for me? I suppose all I need to know is that his staying away tells me that he can't be the man I need him to be.
Sometimes they leave their belongings to have an excuse to return periodically to get something, other times it is for a connection, but the one that always stands out for me is that everything he has left behind are reminders of his past life and just like an onion, he has peeled the old layer away and does not want the reminders right now.
If the clothes, etc., are disturbing you, pack them up and place them in the closet, attic or basement. Some day, he may want them, but I seriously doubt that he does right now.
Your h said on of the right words about coming home, etc., but he's not ready to take the plunge of stepping over the threshhold and coming home.
I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your parents. It's tough when they are ill. I hope and pray that they will be better very soon. If you are in no hurry for the divorce, then don't file just yet. Put your focus on your family and on you for now. It sounds like God is trying to point you in the direction of your parents right now.
Pleae take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
snodderly, Thank you for your support as always. Today I am searching again for the "why" in all of this...maybe because of my bad day yesterday. I understand I made the NC happen, I just wish I knew what was in my H's head right now. I wish I had a crystal ball.
Originally Posted By: snodderly
the one that always stands out for me is that everything he has left behind are reminders of his past life and just like an onion, he has peeled the old layer away and does not want the reminders right now.
This would make sense to me if this was the first time leaving so to speak. The clothes that are here are part of the many new clothes he has purchased since he left. I don't see how they could remind him of his past life. Could he be trying to run away from his "old" new life?
Upside, Maybe the new purchases remind him of what he's done to his family. You mentioned that your daughter had purchased some things for him at Christmas....maybe just seeing the items and knowing that you and your family still love him, creates so much guilt within him that he can't face those new items just yet.
I do think that he's trying to understand himself and I do think that his intentions were good about expressing a desire to return home; but he's paralyzed at this time and still needs a lot of time to himself to come to a final decision as to whether he feels he can come home and make a go of it.
My xh did the same thing, left, came back and purchased a lot of new items, left again and didn't take them with him until I finally packed them up and advised him to come and get them. As far as I know, those boxes and bags fo clothes were never unpacked in his new place. They are reminders to them of who they once were and of those individuals who gave the items to them.
BTW, no you do not want to be in your h's head. If you've ever read about children who have ADHD, their rooms are generally messy, well.....the brains of an mlcer are very messy and are misfiring. Their thoughts are never consistent, their emotions are all over the place and quite frankly, we rational folks would have a difficult time with all of the clutter and mess they are dealing with, not to mention what is going on w/their hearts and souls. So, step back from that wish, for it's not a pleasant one and if granted, you still wouldn't know what they are thinking for they don't know themselves.
Your h is running from his guilt and shame.....he will need to face those two head on before he can finally understand himself. You cannot help him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
snodderly- I guess I shouldn't try to analyze why my H has left his things here. I just find it so odd especially that he would leave the gift from his D (from his first M) who he still has a good relationship with. She is quite content with her father and I not being together although they had a talk when he was planning on coming back and they both agreed that it is his life.
Thank you for reminding me that my H's thoughts wouldn't make much sense even if I knew what they were. I have such a difficult time remembering that he isn't always rational and his mind is in complete disarray at least when it comes to his emotions. It is hard for me to understand how he did seem like he getting it, he did seem like he is made progress and now he is completely avoidant. I guess it is all part of the turmoil.
Originally Posted By: snodderly
Your h is running from his guilt and shame.....he will need to face those two head on before he can finally understand himself. You cannot help him.
I am sure this is true but how difficult would it be to face up to those things? He knows how accepting and understanding I have been so I can't help but feel there has to be more. I know my H was having anxiety when he was at my house possibly because he felt he wasn't in control here. I don't know why I still have a need to figure it out. It is what it is and I should just accept that.
I have to remind myself to just live my life like he isn't coming back. There are times when I get that and I'm okay, I question if I would even want him back..and then there are times when it hurts and makes no sense.
I did make an appointment with our C. Maybe he can help me find a consistant direction...especially if he has been seeing my H as well.
My father had another MRI done yesterday and it was reviewed by a neurosurgeon. The doctor commented on some very small spots on the MRI and called them "mini-strokes". He said there is no telling how long they could have been there since they are undectected and that it is a natural part of aging. I know there is connection belief about MLC and testosterone which is a chemical change but could be some physical changes to the brain that could cause a MLC such as these mini-strokes?
Upside, The answer to your question is no, mini-strokes do not cause a MLC. The doctor has given you the correct information about them. In some of the elderly, they are a natural order of aging. Sometimes, they are a warning of what may occur at a later time, i.e., a major stroke. Is your father on an aspirin regiment or taking a blood thinner?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Maybe that was a silly question but strokes can alter a person's personality so that got me thinking that there might be some physical change in the brain rather than just chemical.
My father's stroke was due to high blood pressure after a craniotomy to remove a subdural hematoma. It was hemorrhagic not ischemic. He has had a couple of MRI's and probably a dozen CT scans and yesterday was the first mention of mini-strokes (or TIA's). He was on blood thinners for a few months after his surgery but not since. He will be seeing a neurologist sometime soon so I will ask about the blood thinners.
My H sent me a text today telling me something business related and then he said I know you are probably avoiding me. I asked why he thought that. He said he sent me a text message about 10 days ago and I never responded. Well, I never got the text message. Now we have been texting most of the afternoon. He wants to come to my D's game tonight (instead of going to C!). He wanted to know if I would feel uncomfortable and if it is okay if he sits with me. I told him I am fine with whatever he wants to do.
Upside, They may opt to put your father on a baby asprin per day. Let's hope he's okay now and nothing more serious will arise in the days to come.
I'm glad to see that communications are now going better between you and your h. Keep it light and treat him as a friend. No expectations!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H showed up to the game. I obviously kept is light and friendly however I did have the pesky little questions running through my mind but I didn't go there. Yesterday when we were texting, I told my H about my father's seizure. He seemed truly concerned. I told him that my father has been talking less since that happened and that I had been thinking of contacting him to see if he would go and talk with him. My H seems to be able to get my father to talk more than most people. Anyway, my father was at my D's game last night and my H asked him to lunch today and included me in the invitation. I'm not sure if I really want to go. As I have said before, I can't go back to the way things were. I have no problem being friendly with him from a distance but I don't want to pretend that this is all okay anymore. Does that make sense? I suppose I will go to lunch and leave it at that. Last night, I could tell my H still wants to be in my life and I am sure he would be fine to go back to the way things were but I can't.
