Sorry - a very quick post. Not what I meant at all - about the breakfast. Only reporting what he told me - that he didn't like what he had. No conclusion jumping, but I appreciate the input. Was looking for your input on the e-mail, since you have been present of late. But it's ok. I obviously come off to everyone as someone I'm not.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Ok. That was harsh. Not everyone sees me as someone I'm not. During our e-mail relationship over the past 2 years H has accused me of wanting or trying to keep the kids from him, when that wasn't even close to true. He's accused me of calling him an as*&^%e and worse---bashing him in front of my family and friends, and I haven't once. I am not a vindictive bi*&h, I haven't once had the attitude that I will make him pay for all of this. I have only dreamed of anothr chance.
I have tried extremely hard to do anything I thought would make him happy-----and looked for signs of approval and signs of movement that were never there or only imagined.
I have not once tried to keep the kids from him, in fact I've always agreed to anything he's suggested schedule wise. He sees them every weekend----since scheduling pitching practice for the girls every Sunday. He sees them when he wants. Even in emotional e-mails/pleas for answers I've never referred to him with the words he calls himself in his e-mails. The only word I have ever used to describe him was coward----after sending the last E-MAIL about ending our marriage. Anyone that I have confided in, anyone that I have talked to has heard how I still love him and only want another chance. Everyone that I have talked to has been told that I know I made mistakes in our marriage that I would desperately love to have a chance to fix. I have never once referred to him as an a&*(^le. I still love him. But, I know that doesn't matter. I've made plenty of other mistakes, and he sees things the way he wants to, in an effort to make this all seem right.
I come here to vent. I come her to "whine." I come here for advice and to seek approval. I don't try to single anyone out, or ostracize others. I know I need help from all. Despite my high functioning ability, I am teetering on the brink of total melt down. I let some of that out here, but not to the rest of the world.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Your h has rewritten history and you are second guessing yourself. Stop it. You know what your marriage was like for 20 yrs. You also know that you have been more than willing to accommodate him with the schedule for the children. He's projecting on to you what he feels about himself.
Stop trying to make him happy. Happiness comes from within and you can only make yourself happy. He's got to learn that lesson as by his lonesome. He's looking for any excuse to make you jump through hoops. No matter what you do, it will never be enough while they are in crisis. Start doing for you and your family. Allow God to work on him.
What can you do to find content? What projects do you have that you need to start or finish up that have been sitting for months or maybe years because you've been so busy w/your family? It's time now to start thinking of yourself, pamper yourself and above all else, be kind to yourself. Don't allow him to make you a victim and feel beneath him, for you are not. You are a kind and loving woman w/a heart of gold.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you. It's all so hard. Still. To accept what H is doing/has done given the person he was to me and everyone else for so long, is very very hard. I second guess, because if this is his reality now it truly does not make any kind of sense. I second guess because I love him and thought I knew who he was. I second guess because it's gone on so long that it's easy to think that I was wrong for all of those years. He has also told me that THIS is who he is and he is fu*&^ng happy.
I am so busy with everything on a daily basis---just trying to keep up (and I don't even have mowing our 5 acres to do on top of it all in the winter), that the thought of a project is pretty hard to imagine. I would love to clean all the clutter out of my bedroom and paint. I completed a major remodel last year. I took on the project before H left. After he left I thought I would make sure it was perfect for his return. Now, I know it's all for me and my kids----assuming I can afford to live here after the D. It was a very stressful, long process and everything was complete except carpeting of the stairs and some repair work on the floor in the living room (things that weren't done right before carpet). I got to the point where I couldn't make ONE more decision about it all---and I didn't want anyone else in the house. I know I need to tackle that---and get it complete. I am glad that I hadn't done the carpeting before my recent flood............however, I probably shouldn't do that until my hardwood floor is repaired/refinished, and I was told that I have to wait 30-60 days before that can be done (to dry out). I really didn't need that broken plumbing part and water damage at this point. My garage needs cleaned out---can't even walk through it. It is all overwhelming.
I need to get to a point where I can really explore what makes me happy. My identity has been tied to H for so long----and I know now what a HUGE mistake that was. I do wish I would have learned that before THIS. Now I'm faced with not knowing who I am or what makes ME happy at 44 years old. I don't even know where to begin. I am thankful to be employed, with a co-worker that is quickly becoming my best friend. She got me out twice last weekend, when I really would have rather stayed home alone----which is not what I need at this point.
When I first came here, before I returned to work, I explored some GAL things. I learned to make jewelery. I took a stained glass class. I can't find time to make jewelery. I didn't get my panel finished before the stained glass class ended, and haven't had time/taken the time to finish it on my own.
There are lots of things to do. Getting started/finding the time is the hard part. I will try to make that my focus, but I will admit that my mind is so preoccupied with the D process and what the outcome will be, that it's hard to think of anything else.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Seriously, it is OK to have down days and to question everything going on, but you can not allow yourself to dwell on all the little details.
I hate to use this expression, but it is what it is.And for now this whole situation is your reality. Facing it head on and making a plan for yourself. Setting goals.
Trying to find your happiness in someone else will eventually take it's toll on you.
At this point in the game it is time to just keep working on yourself and making a life for you and your children, and let your Husband do whatever it is that he needs to do.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Trying to find your happiness in someone else will eventually take it's toll on you.
A lesson I have learned the hard way.
I know what I NEED to do. I know that I have to accept that this is my reality, without understanding. My heart gets in the way of my brain quite often, and I know I do have a lot of work to do on myself, and need direction. Does anyone know of a weekend (or longer)workshop out there that might be helpful? Something like: "So you are 40+ years old and don't know who you are and what makes you happy......Let us help you figure it out....."
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I honestly think, well at least in my situation that the insanity becomes our normalcy and we begin to question everything and second guess ourselves.
I think we even begin to rewrite part of our own history and wear the rosecolored glasses ourselves when it comes to the true state of our Marriage before the bomb.
You are not alone and many have already travelled in your shoes.
Do you belong to a church? Sometimes there are wonderful women retreats and they can be great for just having some alone time with God and feelsing refreshed again.
((((hugs)))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I too was in the situation before my H's MLC began where I had lost myself and my identity was way too tied to my H. That is really one truly good thing from all of this - I am slowly starting to find myself again outside of my identity as a wife and mother. It takes time but can be done. For me is has been a very slow process as I don't have a lot of time for myself with working, basically being a single parent, etc. but it has been worth the effort!
I'm a little rough around the edges, and I deffinately 'talk' better with guys...which is why I tend to stay away from posting to women. I'm not really good at cute and cuddly...and even that might have come across poorly.
I believe everyone who finds there way here, did so with a purpose and a choice. Trying to DB may feel like it is all about self inflicted suffering with cheerleaders egging you on...but that is not really what it is about.
DBing is REALLY about changing the way YOU are in a relationship, it is self help, with an eye to better the relationship you are in...in MLC cases...you have to learn how to outlast their MLC on top of bettering yourself for the future...and the time involved is actually a benefit to you. I know it doesn't seem like it.
For instance.
BrandNewDay, lost wieght, took up kickboxing, realized that she could, as hard as it was) raise 8 children all on her own. All the while taking care of others here. Add that kickin accent, and...WOW.
Eveyone who figures out to use this time here to work on themselves regrets none of this.
I am not trying to be mean to you here. I do not mean to come across that way, hence the smiley faces. I have no reason to be mean to anyone here.
Everyone is capable of doing this, I just want everyone here to give it their best shot, their level best effort, because down the road I do not want ANYONE here to have any regrets about their actions, or decisions.
OK?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
